I can't begin to say that yesterday was an easy one. Abby over did it and had a episode where she was struggling with her breath. It was brief but terrifying for me to experience. It made me realize that yes, I have been shielding myself from the effects of the cardiomyopathy. Jumping should not be in her repertoire right now. So I will do my best to solve that. To keep her quiet, I brought her into the bedroom. She use to spend every night in the bedroom with me, sleeping on top of my chest all night long, but some months ago she stopped wanting to be in this room. Was that a subtle sign? I don't know, but I wonder why she changed her mind about wanting to be with me at night. Was she shielding me? I don't know, just thoughts I wonder about now.
I do feel spending all 24 hours with her yesterday was a gift. Yes there were hard moments, moments when I thought she was teetering on the edge but she would surprise me and rally. Was she rallying because I was there? I don't think so, because I have told her I am OK with her decision whatever she chooses, I will accept. We had some lovely special moments, I think no matter who you are, we all fail at being able to really appreciate the small everyday things we take for granted. It is simply being human. We can't as much as we would like in our normal lives always stay in the moment.
As sad as I am I have found a small bit of inner peace.
One thing that was so important to me was to have Abby home.
I didn't want her last memories in a hospital type setting. So she has been home, and she made it through that weekend which had trigger points stenciled all over it for me. I did NOT want to have to take her to the ER, and in the end, she didn't have to go. So there is gratitude in that for me knowing she was able to be home with me where she belongs.
Today I hope to give Abby a spa day. I want to use a warm semi wet washcloth to wash away some of the oils that have built up and hopefully make her feel just a tiny bit clean. Then I will have some warmed towels to swaddle her in and hope that makes her feel good. We will see how she feels about that this afternoon.
Her eyes are bright and her energy seems very much "present". So I take that as another gift today. She is resting comfortably and right at this moment I can see she is dreaming again. I hope it is a dream of happiness and maybe she is bossing around her brothers and sisters, which she so loved to do.
It mostly sounds like a parrot being repetitive but thank you for all of your thoughtful comments. During heightened moments of life, we all cling to whatever rope helps us the most. Each one of you has experienced this, or will experience it, and it is with such empathy that I feel both Abby, myself and her Daddy are wrapped in your love and care.
I do cherish each person who has said a prayer, kept us in their thoughts, or written or called. This is a wonderful supportive community when one its own is going through difficult passages.
I am on my iPad, so some of the pictures and other things are much harder to incorporate so that is why this is all just words and thoughts. We're just continuing down Abby's Journey ONE MORE DAY. So hurrah for that victory and that very precious gift.