Friday, August 09, 2013

Abby's Journey -- A Hard Days Night


I forgot these were on my camera SD card.
Abby decided she wanted my chair.
So what she wanted, she got!

It did my heart good on August 6 to see her making biscuits.
In her little lady cave.

Abby this morning.

Tight whiskers.

She isn't having the best of mornings.

Boo comes to check on her big little sister.

It hit hard this morning, another one of those
milestones you don't really want to think about.
This hallway use to hold a morning ritual.
She would follow me from one end of the hallway
where the main litterbox was to the other end
where the gigantic litterbox is.
She would lead the way and grumble to any
cat who would dare interrupt our mission.

I suppose I shouldn't have gone looking for a picture of her
in the hallway,because you know you can never find what
you want when you're looking for it. Right? All I did was open
wide deep cuts into my heart as I was looking at thousands
of pictures of Abby through the years. My sweet little girl it's
so different now. Our journey is closing it's circle.

You may notice that the blue fleece throw on the table is now
the same one she is resting on as I type this.
That jumped out at me. I don't know why but it did.
***
Last night there was a sense of foreboding and I just could 
not shake it no matter what I did. Do words on page haunt
you so deeply that you can't shake them? I guess for me
that is partly what was causing me pause:
CASE TREATMENT SUMMARY:
I am concerned with Abby's mixture of diseases that we are going
to have difficulty treating them all.
STOP
At this time,we are assuming that it is the heart that is
causing her visits to the ER but I cannot be completely
sure of that.
STOP
The big questions we need to ask ourselves is what is her quality
of life and when will it be time to stop.
STOP
This is a question only you can answer but you want to 
have your guidelines in place before she gets in a
crisis again.
STOP
I generally tell people that if good days are less common than
bad ones, it is time to stop.
***
Pit of my stomach just churns.
As positive as I want to be, and strive to be, the gnawing away
of making such a grave deep permanent decision,
making it right.
Hurts.
Like.
Hell.
***
Balancing what is the right thing for Abby.
***
She doesn't want to eat again today.
After such a good response yesterday I was
filled with hope.
But this is the roller coaster ride of life, isn't it?
Right now she is sleeping and breathing restfully.
I guess I should take comfort in that.
***
I know I have done all I can and I'm struggling
with wanting those things I think may help her
be here quicker rather than later.
Time just seems to go so fast and so slow simultaneously.
***
I guess that is analogy of this for me.

Where did it all go Abby?
It just seems like you got here.
Goodness Sweetie I remember the day I brought
you home for the first time.
Clear as a bell.
I remembered how you hated being here that first
night and you hissed at me if I dared tried to touch you.
YOU meant it too.
But you calmed down and we started this journey.
Here we are now.
I hope I've served you well my sweet baby.
I know I tried.
I think you know that.
I think you know I'm still trying.
I also think you know I will be trying
every day I breathe a breath and you will 
always be in my heart of hearts.
You know I'm scared don't you?
Certainly your sister Boo knows.
She is trying her best to shield me and comfort me
and I worry too about her health.
You know Abby it's really because of Boo
that you're here.
She brought us together.
I love Boo so much I wanted to find her
a sister that looked just like her.
And I was hoping that in that process I 
would find a lap kitty.
Well you filled that bill better than anyone could.
When my eyes locked on you on June 12,2005
my heart sang. I like to think in some
ways yours did too. Although it may have
been a different tune.
Whatever the tune was we're definitely both
singing the same one now.
So why don't we sing our favorite right now?
One more day Abby...
***
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day 

***
Now let's fly to the moon Abby,
again
and again
and
again.
I love you baby.

49 comments:

  1. Purrs to you Miss Abby. We know this is a hard time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. One more day. We know this is really hard, and we're here for you. So many purrs and hugs for Abby and for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh dear friend,my heart bleeds for you. I know your struggles and can sympathize. It sounds like you are asking yourself the right questions tho - quality of life. I know you don't want her to suffer. Love and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. abby....we noe ewe haz hada vizshuz few weeks, as haz yur mom....ewe both haz... & R doin... yur veree veree veree best....for each other...N ewe both will noe, without a doubt....what is best..

    XOXOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
  5. We know these hard times all too well. Pouring out the words is good. We're here and we're all listening. Purrs....

    ReplyDelete
  6. It is a balancing act, and one that is, I think, harder on humans than it is on us kitties. Purrs to you, and to Abby, during this very difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It is so, so difficult and we send you all our best purrs and hugs. We love you sweet Abby.

    ReplyDelete
  8. here is something to think about... think less about the vet and more about Abby. if her lows aren't too low and her highs not too high....then she is level.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh darling Abby. We know you are singing your sweet little soul out with your mum and your brave sister Boo. One more day darling Abby. Big hugs and purrs, take care
    x

    ReplyDelete
  10. oh so sad that we have to return to blogging to find our dear friend abby having such a bad time. our mama just can't help sobbing while she types this. our purrs to you and the family.

    emma and buster

    ReplyDelete
  11. Abby, sweet Abby. You are so loved. Purring and purring and purring for you, sweet girl.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You know what you need to do. I told you it would be a roller coaster and yet knowing doesn't always help. Abby will guide you. Follow her whiskers. Sending purrs for the return of an appetite. Will email you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear friend, I am so sorry that you and Abby are going through this very difficult time. Try not to give up hope, as you say little Abby has a big spirit :-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is such a difficult and heartwrenching time. We love you, dear sweet Abby. And we are purring and praying.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I know the terrible pain you are feeling as if your heart is being torn from you.I read your post through my tears and can only send you my love and prayers, and the knowledge that I and many others truly know how you are suffering.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So heartbreaking! But Abby knows and you will know the time, whether it is soon or not so soon! We are with you in tears and smiles xox

    ReplyDelete
  17. More purrs and prayers and light to you! Me-Ommmm

    ReplyDelete
  18. Love and purrs...one day at a time and enjoy each moment of each day....watch Abby she is your soul cat she will give you a sign...until then just be together.
    Hugs madi and mom
    Very very beautiful post...Abby feels your love.

    ReplyDelete
  19. One day, or even one minute at a time. I absolutely agree that with the vet, having watched Annie slowly deteriorate and finally admit what my gut knew all along.

    But only you know Abby, and when enough is enough. She'll tell you, if you will allow yourself to "hear" her through your grief.

    Blessings and peace to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You will know when it is time to let Abby go but until then just cherish each moment. We have all been in your shoes and know how hard it is. Purring for you both.

    cats of wildcat woods

    ReplyDelete
  21. I (and many others) can tell you from experience that you will be making deep cuts into your heart with old photos for a long long time to come... Mark

    ReplyDelete
  22. we went through the same roller coaster ride with nimbus. abby will tell you when it's time. enjoy the moments you have left and cherish the memories.


    all our love

    ReplyDelete
  23. one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more week, one more month...... Abby will let you know. If she is breathing calmly that's a good thing. If she eats, even better. Her appetite may be low because of all the stress and trauma. As long as she drinks and eats a little, it's a good thing. Maybe she needs a little more of the appetite stimulant. All she really wants is love, and she has more of that than anything. She will let you know, and there will be no question in your mind or heart.
    Love and {{HUGS}} - MeezerMomMary

    I's coming to hold your paw mine darling sweet tuxie princess.
    purrrsss n nosekissies - your adoring worried manly meezerman Sammy

    ReplyDelete
  24. Most of your blogging friends know how hard this roller coaster journey is so we are all there for you and Abby.

    And for the lovely Miss Boo.

    ReplyDelete
  25. A very nice post and tribute to your beloved Abby. We hope she has a quiet and comfortable weekend with no trips to the ER vet. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Lisbeth, Astrid and Calista Jo

    ReplyDelete
  26. beaucoup de douceur et de câlins Abby

    ReplyDelete
  27. As with the rest of us here, we know this terrible gut wrenching grief. And as with many of your friends and furriends I am just seeing all these beautiful wrenching blogs through tears. Each blog is a loving memorial to the great love the two of you have. Abby knows she is deeply loved and that they do know was a great comfort to me when Admiral was so very ill. She loved the gentle touch of my hand, the gentle enveloping soft loose hugs and the soft voice when I spoke to her and loved on her. Your babies know, as do the rest of our babies know h ow much we love them. Katie and Admiral have only been touched with the lightest caress. Abby knows you love her. That's a wonderful comfort to realize. Xxooxx I am thinking of all of you each day.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I read that she ate some crunchies so I will be happy for that. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am crying and can't stop hurting for you. You are bringing back memories. Just enjoy every moment. Just love her, that's all.
    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  30. Many of us have endured the journey you are going through. I know I have. So I know what you are feeling. Enjoy every moment you have with sweet Abby. She knows you love her...and she loves you too.

    (((HUGS)))

    Island Cats' mom

    ReplyDelete
  31. You write so beautifully and with such love for your sweet tuxie girl. We are purring our hardest in hopes that she will feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I know what a heart-wrenching journey this is for you because I experienced it with my soul kitty Inka. I agree with Caren and others, just revel in the love you two have for each other and cherish your time together as I know you are. You and Abby are constantly on my mind and I send you all my love, prayers and good thoughts.

    My Kindest and Warmest Thoughts,
    Karyn

    (PS: I am glad to see on your latest post that Abby did eat something.)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sending the rumbliest of purrs to you sweet girl. Mmmmmmm, crunchies ;-) You made your mama happy! You are surrounded by love Abby, from every side. XOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
  34. We agree and echo what so many of our friends are saying here. We all share and understand where you and Abby are in your Journey. It is so Beautiful and so hard and painful at the same time. I will always believe love is the key, and that you will simply know when it's time for whatever needs to be done. We purr and pray for all of you, Abby, and wonderful family. We are so proud of sweet Mis Boo. Peace, dear Friends, peace be with you.
    Hugs, love and kitty kisses to every one of you.
    =^~^=

    ReplyDelete
  35. You have such a way with words. I wish my healing purrz could make Abby young and healthy again for you. #Abbysporch forever.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I'm so sorry for your pain and for Abby. This brings up a lot of painful memories for me (and I know for others). I'm really, really sorry you are going through this, but I'm deeply touched by how much you love her and how you're showing that to her moment by moment, day by day. You are doing everything right. That's one thing that comes across very clearly, even if it doesn't seem like it.

    Hugs to Boo too. Also, how great to hear her crunching!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Dear Abby this is a hard time. We purr you keep on going for a little longer.
    We just saw the new post "Rejoicing for Small Victories".
    It says "comments off" but our smiles are ON!!!!!
    Purrs Tillie and Georgia,
    Treasure,Tiger,JJ and Julie

    ReplyDelete
  38. The wounds are still so fresh for me too that my heart aches for you.

    ReplyDelete
  39. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  40. We know how hard this is. Every day really is a gift...we only realize it more when we are in crisis mode. Life can rise up an snatch our loved ones away when we least expect it.

    The Florida Furkids

    ReplyDelete
  41. It hurts so much...but that's only because your love is so deep and true. We're sending you comforting purrs, clarity of thought, strength and love.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  42. We are thinking of you and sweet, dear Abby. We understand so much what you are going through. Deep love such as the kind you and Abby share is such a precious journey. Love lasts forever, but yes we are singing along with you, One More Day. Sending love and purrs and many hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I went through this same agonizing struggle with my Whitey about 18 months ago... and too many times over the last 40 years with my dogs. It is THE hardest part of having pets we adore. Their life span is so short. They give us so much joy and we never want to let them go. Ever.

    big hugs xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  44. Still keeping you, Abby, in our thoughts and your dear mom as well.

    Purrs and purrayers,

    Mindy
    Moe
    Cookie
    Mike

    ReplyDelete
  45. This time in the life between human and their fur child can be one of the most difficult you'll ever go through. By putting all of your thoughts into words and sharing them with us, you are already starting the healing process. I pray each day that you'll have more quality time with your sweet Abby, but also pray for you to have strength, courage, and the wisdom to know what to do in the days ahead. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

    Paula

    ReplyDelete
  46. How well we all know this feeling, as others have so eloquently said. We hope it brings you some semblance of comfort, knowing you have a support group that truly understands, and who cheers Abby on at her every kibble bite, and who quietly cries with you over your every heartache. You are not alone on this journey! We are with you, every step of the way.

    ReplyDelete
  47. We are still purring long and hard for you both. Your written thoughts are so eloquent and heartfelt. Writing at times like these is a form of therapy.
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  48. one more day...all that matters if she is still willing

    ReplyDelete

We always love hearing from you please leave some pawprints!
Happy purrs
>^,,^<
♥AngelAbby♥Annabelle♥Boo♥Ping♥Jinx♥AngelGrace♥