Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Abby How Can It Be?

Update:I hope the my sharing some of my memories does not cause anyone sadness. I am expressing some bittersweet emotions with my postings on Abby. It brings back some lovely times and I am so grateful to have these memories. They make me sad, still, because I miss Abby. But, I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable because I am expressing both sadness and happiness. I know in many ways this may bring up sad memories in many because so many of us have been touched by the loss of a very special cat, and even years or decades may have passed, but those tender feelings are still there. I share Abby again because it does bring me joy to be reminded of her, as much as it touches my grief, it still is a lovely moment we shared,  that I now share with you. Please know none of this is meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I appreciate all the comments and I just wanted everyone to know that as much as it may sound like I wrote this in sadness, I didn't. I want to keep remembering her for the joy she brought to me as I move along my journey with her now. Thank you for understanding.

Abby how can it be that I remember this like it was just yesterday?
It was August of 2005.
That was a lifetime ago.
That was a moment ago.
8 years.

I had a tiny little red silk flower that had fallen off and you grabbed it.
And...
started to play.

It was not something she did on a frequent basis.

In fact her entire time with me there was very little that intrigued her as far as toys went.

So, I guess that is why this memory stuck so hard in my mind.

She was so adorable when she played.
The only thing she consistently loved,
L-O-V-E-D 
was nip.
Oh my goodness she was a nip head.
She went crazy over nip.
***
She also loved her little round scratcher. She would get up on the table and scratch her little heart out and if I put nip on it, wow that made it ever so much better. It's hard for me to look at that round scratcher without thinking of her because by and large it was her and her alone that used it.

(Updated: I had to replace the cardboard in the round scratcher recentlly. I felt sad throwing away a piece of cardboard. I felt sad because it was something Abby had clawed and scratched on, but it was time and I did it, But it still felt like one more piece of her was being removed)

The other cats occasionally use it, but not like she did when she felt good. Now that I look back she seldom used in the last months of her life. But it was harder for her to get up on the table, even though her Daddy had made some carpeted steps just for her. I thought it was just age, but now I can look and see so much of the final few months were things that had been impacted by her HCM. She just couldn't breathe well enough to do the playful things, which I thought was age related. It wasn't. Now, I'm sure. There were other things she started doing like not wanting to sit with me in the evenings which I don't know how it related to her illness, but it must have. I got the feeling the last few months mentally there were a few lapses, and I again thought it was age related. But if oxygen doesn't get to the brain correctly it causes mental lapses. So now I feel that too was related to her HCM.

******

So much I can see better now Abby, things you kept hidden from me. I wish I had known Abby I would have done things differently. I keep thinking maybe you'd still be with me. But, then I think, how sick you were, and that making you get weaker and weaker would have been worse than God quickly taking you home. I cannot bring myself to say that things worked out for the best, because living without you is a very hard thing. I would not have wanted you to just exist and be unhappy just to have you here with me. I want you back as you were in these pictures. Young, healthy and vibrant. Which is what you are now Abby.
Fly free, hop to your heart's content, Abby.
To the Moon and back Abby.
Let's fly away together.
love,
Momma

31 comments:

  1. Our Mommy still has all of Princess's things tucked into the back of the closet. Sending you ((hugs)) and whisker kisses this tuxie Tuesday.

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  2. Hugs to you. We think that perhaps Abby knew that losing her quickly would be easier on you. Maybe she hid her signs and symptoms behind a sassy facade so that you would not have to watch and wait and worry any longer than you have to.

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  3. we do agree that perhaps it's her way of cutting the cord so that it wouldn't hurt as much. hugs.

    emma and buster

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  4. We cats are so good at hiding things when we are not feeling 100%. But even if you had known there was something amiss with Abby, there was nothing at all you could have done. HCM is one of those things both humans and kitties are powerless over. :-(

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  5. Cats hide things so well. It's how we survive in the scary wild. But Sparkle said it well. There are some things that can't be helped, even if you had noticed. Humans can't help but look back and ponder, but you did a great job with Abby and gave her a lot of love and quality of life. <3

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  6. Sometimes, moments and years are not very different...

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  7. Mom thinks back at the signs she missed when Tamir left for the Bridge and feels sad too. Kitties are just too good at hiding things. (((Hugs)))

    The Florida Furkids

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  8. My cats aren't much for toys either. Whitey did enjoy his mousies and Gracie enjoys her sparkle-y balls. They ALL love nip! haha!

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  9. Such beautiful pictures of a very beautiful girl. Hugs for mom.

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  10. How shiny Abby's furs were in those pictures and we can see she loved playing with the little red flower.
    Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

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  11. There are so many little things that express delight and joy, taking notice of those details is honoring of the special bond you share. It's interesting how grief is the interplay of joy and sorrow.

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  12. We have to agree with Sparkle. Even if you had known that Abby didn't feel good, you probably couldn't have done much. We enjoy hearing your memories of Abby. We love remembering all the cats that used to be here and she is for sure now running free and happy. And watching over you.

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  13. I think the what if thing is very natural. My adad still cries thinking about the night my Brother Ivan died so suddenly. Ivan hid his problems too. My Dad still wonders if he could have done something different.

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  14. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH ABBY...YOU LOVED HER TO PIECES AND GAVE HER THE BEST VET CARE. CATS ARE BASICALLY SOLITARY EVEN W/ SIBLINGS IT IS INGRAINED THAT THEY HIDE WEAKNESS OR SICKNESS. WHEN YOU SAW VISIBLE SIGNS OF DISTRESS YOU ACTED!!

    I RECALL WITH OUR DACHSHUND MANY YEARS AGO BEFORE WE REALIZED HE WAS SICK. fOR ABOUT A WEEK HE KEPT TRYING TO PULL ME TO THE SIDEWALK FOR HIM TO PEE-PEE. NEVER DID THAT BEFORE. I KEPT PICKING HIM UP PUTTING HIM IN THE GRASS. THEN ONE DAY HE WAS TOO QUICK HE PP'D ON THE SIDE WALK IT WAS PINK. HE WAS TRYING TO SHOW ME HIS PP. HE HAD SHOWN ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNS OF FEELING BAD, EATING FINE, BEING A WILD DOXIE WITH A SERIOUS ATTITUDE...THEN THE PINK PP OF COURSE RIGHT TO THE VET. EVEN THOUGH HE APPEARED FINE HE HAD FAIRLY ADVANCED BLADDER CANCER.
    THAT CRAZY DOXIE LEFT US WITH SO MANY FUNNY MEMORIES AND LOVE HERE 38 YEARS LATER WE STILL TALK ABOUT HIM.
    HUGS MADI AND MOM

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  15. This is a beautiful post. I envy you. I wish I could post or even look at pictures of Lucy but it's still so raw for me and I feel like I am handling things better by not thinking about her. I honestly don't think that's a good strategy and what you've done all along with Abby is far better. I am just so afraid of breaking down again.

    I do like what Sparkle said. Those words are important for me too.

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  16. What a loving tribute to a beautiful girl. Some cats just touch us in ways we cannot even know.

    And thank you so much for your kind thoughts when PQ went to the Bridge. I bet she's met up with Abby by now.

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  17. What a blessing to have so many beautiful memories of Abby. :)

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  18. I love seeing the sweet memories of your baby. Sweet pictures. xoxox

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  19. I feel as if I had known Madison was sick sooner than I found out that maybe I could have done more for him, but cat's hide illness from us. We all know that. We just have to take comfort in knowing we had all the time with them we were meant to have. Hugs, Janet

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  20. They are the least expected things that we remember. When we got Eric and Flynn, Flynn groomed well right from the beginning. Eric couldn't be bothered to do much and preferred to let his brother give him ear washes. After we had them a few weeks I heard the snuffly snorting noises of a cat having a really good grooming session. I looked and it was Eric. I have never forgotten it and in my mind I can still hear the sounds the tiny Eric was making.

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  21. Glad the memories bring you happiness. :)

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  22. I know and can relate to you on this for sure. It is so hard. I wish I could go back in time with Inka. That is a sweet memory with Abby and her red flower. Purrs and love to you.

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  23. You can't look back and judge yourself harshly - Abby never would. :-)

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  24. I understand completely. Yes, your reminiscing about Abby reminds me of my beloved cats who have left, but I think of them anyway. Mostly I worry if you are ok and you aren't taking it too hard, but I also know those first months are so very difficult.

    I feel guilty about throwing away cardboard scratchers because Oui Oui loves them so much, which is why you see little remnants lying around. She worked hard on them, they are full of her scent, she has had them all her life so she sleeps and plays on them, even scrunching up to scratch them too.

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  25. What a beautiful memory of Anny with the flower. We would never ever begrudge you for remembering Anny with love. Thank you for sharing her with us.

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  26. 8 years ago....wow! I was just remembering my sister and missing her when I realized it has been nearly 3 years... Dec. 23. I say to myself "3 YEARS" in amazement, seems like yesterday or maybe one year, tops. Even though it took nearly 2 years to get her cremains back from the medical school and that was last year. Time moves so fast sometimes but in the midst of it, it can seem so slow. I suppose we humans are the only ones cursed with this...animals don't analyze like this. Each day is unto its own and brings with it what may come. Memories are the most precious and they last forever.

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  27. ps: how precious to have pictures of that red flower memory from all those years ago. I regret that I never took more pictures of Scooby. What was I just saying above...? All the time in the world???? Never enough.

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  28. Aw, she looks adorable playing with her flower ;-) No kitty could have been happier with her mama than Abby was with you XOXOX

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  29. The peeps always threw out the things that reminded them of a cat who went OTRB. They only kept one of the cat's most treasured toys. To this day, TW has toys from Chizzy and The little cast from when Gramma made the mistake of declawing Faith cos we didn't know at the time how cruel it was.

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  30. We kitties never look back. We just live in the now. Sweet Abby is living in the now in your heart. She is happy and you will be one day soon xox

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  31. You keep on writing whatever brings you joy...no matter how long...we will be right here. So embarrassed we have been away from reading for so long.

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