Sunday, June 17, 2018

A Different Father's Day


Dear Daddy,

Today is my first Father's Day without you. I still cannot believe that you're gone. People say that all the time I know, but it's so sadly true. How can you be just gone? Father's Day was June 18th last year, and I can remember wondering if it was to be our last, and only 23 days later you were gone. How can you not be here? It's almost like you're off on a trip and any moment you'll be coming back home, but I know in the realness of this world that you're not. I cannot get you a card, just a simple card and write to you the things in my heart like I have done so in past years. All I can do is write out my thoughts as a way of banishing them from my head.

I still talk to you every.single.day. But, I've found it's not as therapeutic as I'd like it to be, because you can't answer me. There's still so much I have to say to you, and Daddy I just don't know how I'm going to spend the rest of my life without you here. I know that sounds overly dramatic and I also realize I shouldn't try to take it all in one lump sum. But, I can't help but realize how much more time I have on this earth to live, live without your kind presence in it. I can still see you clearly in my mind's eye and hear your voice. I long so much to hear again and again. As time goes by, I will lose that. What tricks the mind plays on us. How it secures certain things and loses others to past.

I'd begun grieving for you many months before your body gave out. I could see it happening. I still wish you were here, but I have come to accept what you told me several weeks before your death. You were ready to go and even though it was so painful to hear those words from your lips on a daughter's level I did understand. I do understand. But I know you understood my reaction, I'm your little girl, I always will be, even though I'm an adult of multiple decades, I'm still that little girl who didn't want to lose her Daddy.EVER.

I am so grateful that you told me every day that you loved me when we said goodbye on the phone. Those things become automatic but I know you meant it to your core. I think you knew you were in the final lap of your race and you wanted to make sure that those of us who mattered the most knew we mattered.

You must have known how time was coming to a close because you wrote notes to each of us. Writing was hard for you and even finding the words was hard. Even though I know how far from perfect I am thank you for saying I was the perfect daughter. Those few words you wrote to me will endure and reassure me.

I so wish I could have more time, we always want more. But it simply ran out. 

There is so much to be grateful for and I try very hard to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts. Sometimes though the grief overwhelms me. There has been so many changes in the world I operate in and I know you understand all of this.

One of the things I have come to realize is how everyone is walking around with so many burdens and wounds that the world does not see. I also understand much better now how hard it is to deal with, everyone is dealing with something hard. I suppose the world is designed so we can't show it, but the losses everyone suffers are as unique as is the way each one deals with it.

There is an awareness of feeling alone in the world which was not there before for me. But, I learned one thing that helped me with the loss of my beloved Abby, and that was this, each day is one less day I'll have to live without her. I'm moving towards her, and now you. It's a trick of the mind. I suppose that we all try to find some way to bring solace to ourselves and that was mine. Abby always loved you Daddy and I hope you gave her a pat on the head as you made your way greeting all of those souls who were waiting to see you again. So many, so many of your relatives welcomed you with open arms.

I know you've probably already met all of them but Daddy I had a friend do a genealogical family tree of our lineages. I wish I had done it while you alive but somehow I had to do and find the family branches. She was able to go back 20 generations down your Grandmother's side. I so wish there had been more on your Dad's side. But finding all of these amazing people was incredible, but I'm sure you already know that.

I miss you Daddy. I know I tell you that everyday and you're probably tired of me saying that. But you'll be remembered and missed by me everyday of my life until I see you again. I'm sorry I keep crying, I get that from Granny, she was the only other crier in the family I can think of. I so wish I could give you another hug, it's been hard going through all the firsts without you. I still expect to see you come back through the back door. There's just always going to be a part of me missing. I cannot ever be 'whole' again. At first, I thought I was losing that title as 'daughter' because of losing you, but I've come to see that I'll always be your daughter and you'll always be my Father, even though your body is no longer on this earth that bond is always there.

I know you would not want me to be unhappy. I'm still struggling with that because I've yet to find a way to even being able to find peace with Abby being gone, I don't know how I'll ever find a way to find a way to be at peace with you being gone. I may never be able to do that. I'll be OK but I won't ever find a way to be able to happy when I look at old videos or old photographs. I tried recently by looking at old photos of Abby and by the time I got to the point where she was sick and dying I was nearly dying myself. It was too much. Even for me to psychologically deal with it. I'm long past being concerned what anyone else thinks about how I feel in regards to losing her, she was just that important to me. So where I thought I was stronger now I realized nope not yet.

I'm babbling Daddy. Like I said I wish I could pick up the phone and call you and just talk because you always told me I could call you anytime of the day or night if I needed to. Well, I need to. But, it's not meant to be.

I just miss you so deeply. But I'm hugely grateful to you because you did instill that you always unconditionally loved me -- such a gift -- such an important gift -- to have in my heart. It will always be in my heart as long as it beats. Thank you for such a gift. Thank you for being the perfect Daddy.

forever your daughter....

17 comments:

  1. Purrs to you today. Fathers Day is not a happy day for a lot of people.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lots of hugs and purrs and purrayers to you. Summer is quite right, these "celebratory" days are not happy ones for many.

    As an aside, a good friend of mine recently went to a medium (was taken by a friend of hers) in a nearby town. I'm a huge skeptic of things like this, but this woman didn't know my friend at all, not even her name (so couldn't research via social media first), and the experience my friend has was mind-boggling. The kind that raises the hair on your arms. (Connecting with her father and with a cousin, by name--out of the blue.) I can't explain it, other than this particular medium was real (when I rather think that most of them aren't).

    Anyway, I just wondered, if you're open to this and actually can find a bona fide one (not easy, word of mouth is best IMO), if it would help on a deeper level to feel that your dad is with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hugs as you remember your dad.
    I have never been able to celebrate Father's Day. My dad died when I was 5 and my memories come from the very few photos I have of him. I have vague memories of visiting him in hospital but children were only allowed for a few minutes once a week back then.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I understand your grief and sadness at the loss of two such significant family members. I am hoping the burden will lighten enough to allow you some sun in your memory. xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Purrs and hugs to you today. Your letter is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Such a beautiful letter and very touching. I so understand how you're feeling. I miss my dad too. He passed in 2010. And of course I miss my dear fur-daughter Suzy, who has been gone 20 years this month.

    They are always with us and you're right that they are waiting for us when it's our time to join them.

    Sending you hugs and purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love and hugs from all of us.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So very precious your Dad was a dear man indeed
    Hugs madi and mom

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry that you're so sad, but it's definitely understandable. Also, my main take-away from reading this is how blessed you were and are to have such an amazing daddy who loved you unconditionally and let you know that. That is not the case for everyone. I realize it probably makes the pain deeper but what joyous treasures of memories you have. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lots of hugs and love sent your way. Our mommy lost her daddy when she was 17 and still has not completely recovered from the loss.

    Emma and Buster

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm in tears over this beautiful post for your dad. It's obvious the amazing relationship you had which makes his loss even harder for you. He's with you today, and every day.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sending you lots of purrs on this day.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sending you love and purrs of comfort as you miss your wonderful daddy. Both Tracey and I lost our fathers some years ago, and we were talking today about how not a day goes by without us thinking of them.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This was a beautiful entry, and it must have been hard at times to write what you did. When our parents die, we do feel alone. We no longer have those who were always there for us. Even if they couldn't really help us in every problem, it felt good knowing they were there, just in case. I suppose that is selfish thinking, and thinking of them just as people who take care of us. But I suspect that parents wants their children to feel that way. A parent who makes his child feel safe is a good parent. I sometimes think of my cats, that if they take their security, food, warmth and comfort for granted, then I am doing my job. We take our parents for granted sometimes because they are good at being parents. But sometimes, it's nice not to take them for granted, and to tell them how you feel, as you did with your father. You'll see him again.

    ReplyDelete
  15. What a heartfelt and thoughtful tribute to your Dad.

    Last year Father's Day was when Minko became an Angel...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Debra;

    I'm not online on the weekends, yet saw your message in today's post (6.19) and came by to read this. I am happy I did as it shows in your writing just how much your dad meant to you; and I don't need to tell you how much you meant to him. I hope you realize; just as with Abby, just because you can't physically "see" them, doesn't mean they aren't "here". Without getting all cliche; sure your dad and Abby will always live in your heart mind and soul, I truly believe that when you least expect it, and in some manner/fashion they have a way, and will always have a way of letting you know they are close by; I truly believe this. Long story short, my grandmother told me "whenever you see the time on the clock as 11:11 { her birthday } it will be my way of saying...hey kid". I don't intentionally look at the clock to see how close it is to 11:11; it just happens. In a way only YOU will understand, you will know Abby, and dad....haven't really "left"...they just have a different address ♥♥♥♥♥ Laura

    ReplyDelete

We always love hearing from you please leave some pawprints!
Happy purrs
>^,,^<
♥AngelAbby♥Annabelle♥Boo♥Ping♥Jinx♥AngelGrace♥