2000 Days

I can scarcely believe it.

The hands of time have moved me to it being 2000 days and nights since you left.

I don't know why I mark the time,
I guess it's all I can do now that you are gone.
Count the moments...

I've spent 2000 days and nights missing you.

I don't know how to make that stop.

I don't know how not to miss you.

A lot has changed since August 12, 2013.
Yes, over 5 years ago.

But, the sad thing is, one thing has not dimmed in the slightest.

The love is still in my heart and it aches for you.

Not like in the beginning,
no I have moved past those dark dark times.

I function "normally" now.
(Whatever that means these days)

No one knows the deep scars that I carry,
 except for when I reveal them

like now.

I do it for my own sanity, and it's hard to do so,
because I am most

vulnerable when I talk about you.
It makes me feel like I'm whining
and asking for sympathy.
But, I'm not.

I had some bad things that occurred to me,
things that were said and done,

that shaped my reluctance to speak about the pain I feel.

I lost two "friends" who didn't understand and shunned and shamed me.

They did it  for different reasons,
but it affected me greatly at the time I needed

their support the most.

Nevertheless, my confusion to their response was to
internalize it deeper inside myself.
What did I do?
 I shut myself off
and I shut everyone out.
(That's not healthy)

 I am not alone in finding people that don't understand Grief.

Those who are uncomfortable with the messy emotions
and who simply wish 

that you get on with your life.

'Put your big girl panties on and forget about it'.

But, Grief isn't like that.

You don't forget it, you don't power through it
and you don't literally bury it.

It has to be lived with.
Day by day, moment by moment,
 it will find it's 

settling place.

Maybe some wounds are never meant to heal.

It doesn't mean you don't carry on.

It just means you have a scar that refuses to heal,
and it's not even that you don't want it to heal.
In fact, you do want it to heal.
Quite badly.
You want to find that place that you see others speak of
where you can remember the love and all the warm fuzzy feelings.
Perhaps you failed you tell yourself.
Perhaps you suck at Grieving too.
But then you realize after all the time you've spent studying
everything you can on the subject that you are not alone in how you feel.
 Many others also experience the same type thing
where they aren't transported into that 'happy' space of being grateful.
I am grateful for those years we had,
 but...you still want them back,
 but you know you'll never have them again in your physical world.
Only if you believe, as I do, that what he have
here in this world is only a brief temporary stop
along the journey, and I do believe,
I will be reunited with her again.
But, the days I count will continue to mount,
and sometimes it's hard for my mind to bridge that gulf.

***