When I look at this picture,
I remember the circumstances.
She had just come home from
being in the ER, and
it was bad.
But she sat in her "chair" and I took
hundreds of photos.
I photoshopped them.
Because I don't want you to see what
she really looked like.
Maybe one day I will be strong enough
to share that, or
maybe I won't.
She did not look like the beautiful
kitty she was in the above photo.
Later that same day she crashed again.
Oh yes, I remember the early days.
When the life you expected to unfold
disappears:
VAPORIZES.
VAPORIZES.
When the world
(your world)
has been split wide open
and nothing makes sense.
Life was normal,
and then suddenly
it was not.
Early Grief is crashing again and again into
a reality that cannot be real.
It's an impossibility without release.
There are no neat & tidy roadmaps.
THERE ARE NO ANSWERS.
There is no way to right the universe
that has so badly tilted sideways,
so completely wrong.
There never will be.
No matter how much you want to wake up
from the nightmare you find yourself in,
you're stuck in a universe so alien and foreign,
that finding a way out is impossible.
There is only time.
I didn't know then, but I do now,
that time will teach you
how to carry the heavy burden of
love and Grief together.
But, I also learned it never goes away.
Maybe if you're very lucky
the burden becomes lighter
or maybe it's blurred.
Memories seems to be blunted
by time.
I am not able to escape the sadness I
feel over losing Abby.
I see so many stories written
by others who magically find a peace
and replace the Grief.
I haven't found that magic unicorn.
I struggle with my grief, which I suppose
in many ways has been compounded by
Grief of other losses.
So it's like you can't get over one,
before you find yourself beset with another.
***
All I do know is how much I miss her.
But, I can see that there is 'healing',
as the tears don't automatically begin if I think of her.
So that much is progress.
And my heart tells me
she is waiting
and I wait too.
We will be together again one day,
and it will be eternal.
