And So It Is

I really don't know how to begin this post.

There's a lot I wanted to write down but

the words seem to be hard to come by.

***

In 2005 I started blogging because I wanted

a journal about Abby. I wanted something

that was as permanent as it could be, and it 

turned into a great deal more than just talking

about Abby, but it was borne in the idea that she

was the thing it all centered around.

When I lost her, I went down a very steep dark

road, and it's been a rocky one ever since.

My life has been no harder or easier than

anyone else's but we all deal with things

differently. I chose to share some of my deep

inner insecurities and sadness and I know

that isn't 'fun' read by any stretch of the imagination.

***

But, things have changed.

Blogging has changed.

Life is so different.

And so much harder.

There are so very few of the us

left who began

cat blogging from the mid-2000's,

and most all of the cats,

if not all,

have all gone to

the Rainbow Bridge.

Every single cat that passes over,

I feel a deep sadness over, 

as I'm sure you

do as well. 

Maybe some more than

others because you knew them more.

But I feel the loss because of my own

cat losses,

 and we all know the feelings

that come out when we have to say

 farewell.

***

I think I've come to the conclusion

that it's time to take a pause.

Maybe a fork in the road.

I didn't want to leave and not explain

because I look back at the list on my feeds

and see so many blogs and one day

they stopped.

I still wonder why.

(Still wondering)

***

I feel I owe you, 

those of you who

drop by a final word.

I've stepped back so much from social media

because there is so much struggle

and sadness I carry inside.

I've finally come to understand a great deal 

of it but I still carry it.

A lot of days it grows heavy to 

carry it.

And it's made me draw inward more 

than ever, and then of course

the entire world was forced to draw inward

because of Covid19 and that only made

life more isolating.

***

I know that by drawing myself off  I was

not seeing much traffic, and I really do

understand that. But it's a self filling prophecy

that when you do "x", "y" happens.

And it did for me.

It was my doing by not engaging that led

to not being engaged with.

***

So I think a hiatus is called for.

I will post from time to time, I still feel so

strongly that it is the story tellers who 

keep alive the memories of those who 

have gone before and I owe it to my Abby,

to post the days of most significance. 

And also the others cats as well.

***

I thank all who have read this and who have

come and visited with us.

I apologize for not being a better visitor to you

because I wasn't able to do it.

But I do cherish all the memories.

Keep well.

Keep strong.

Onward...

 

Nine

 

It's been nine years.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe all the major shifts

that have happened since

that sad faithful day your little

damaged heart stopped beating 

as I held you in my arms.

It may be melodramatic, but I felt

that you would only want me 

to be the one holding onto you as you let go.

It is a moment that will never leave me.

I read a story not too long ago

about a cat that was abused by a child

and rehomed because the parents felt it was

the cat's fault it was becoming 'dangerous'.

It struck home because that is what happened to you.

But it was the Father who hated you and abused you.

And you were very hostile to men.

You were hostile and temperamental for quite some time

after I got you and of course you were 6.

So you had experienced quite a bit of abusive behavior.

You tested me.

Boy how, did you ever!

But not once did I ever scold you.

I persevered.

 I fell in love with you from the first second,

and I needed to gain your trust.

I know I finally did,

and you repaid me greatly with your loyalty.

You had a wonderful life and you were the 

Queen of your kingdom.

But you were quite bossy and no matter what, you took

nothing from anyone.

Including me!

You kept us all in order.

That first morning when I walked into the house

after you had gone, 

it was so hard, 

because you always waited for me at

the back door. Not seeing you there was devastating.

And it still is. Because you are still everywhere in

this house.

Even though it's been 9 years, right at this moment

it feels like only yesterday.

I will grieve for you as long as I live,

my grief is the testament to the depth of my

love for you.

Our bond is rock solid.

Even though you are in a place I can't see.

I know you're waiting for me.

There are losses that rearrange the world.

Death that changes the way you see everything,

grief that tears down everything. Pain that 

transports you to a different universe, even when 

everyone else is thinking nothing 

has really changed.

~Megan Devine

I love you

to the 

Moon

and 

Back

....

again

and

again

and 

again.

Love always and forever,

Until I see you again...

xoxoxo

Your ever faithful Mom

17th Gotcha

Today,

17 years ago

I first lay eyes on you.

It was literally love at first sight.

Oh I remember Abby.

I remember.

And I'll never ever

forget.

***

I love you to the moon and back

again

and

again

and 

again...

Forever.

∞

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

Every season the jasmine blooms.

This was from 2011.

It won't be long until it blooms again,

now nearly a dozen years later.

In the same album of photos was this one of Abby.

Sitting in her sunpuddle with her shadow.

 

Sunday memory

Oct 2006

Oh for those (seemingly) carefree days again.

Mom has to wear the shame.

The shame of forgetting 

FORGETTING

my purrday.

It was Oct 1st!!

How could she?

Well she did.

Thank you Brian for remembering,

because our Mom sure forgot!

 

An Anniversary I Hate

When I look at this picture,

I remember the circumstances.

She had just come home from

being in the ER, and

it was bad.

But she sat in her "chair" and I took

hundreds of photos.

I photoshopped them.

Because I don't want you to see what 

she really looked like.

Maybe one day I will be strong enough

to share that, or

maybe I won't.

She did not look like the beautiful

kitty she was in the above photo.

Later that same day she crashed again.

Oh yes, I remember the early days.

When the life you expected to unfold

disappears:
VAPORIZES.

When the world

(your world)

has been split wide open

and nothing makes sense.

Life was normal,

and then suddenly

it was not.

Early Grief is crashing again and again into

a reality that cannot be real.

It's an impossibility without release.

There are no neat & tidy roadmaps.

THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. 

There is no way to right the universe

that has so badly tilted sideways,

so completely wrong.

There never will be.

No matter how much you want to wake up

from the nightmare you find yourself in,

you're stuck in a universe so alien and foreign,

that finding a way out is impossible.

There is only time.

I didn't know then, but I do now,

that time will teach you

how to carry the heavy burden of 

love and Grief together.

But, I also learned it never goes away.

Maybe if you're very lucky

the burden becomes lighter

or maybe it's blurred.

Memories seems to be blunted

by time.

I am not able to escape the sadness I 

feel over losing Abby.

I see so many stories written

by others who magically find a peace

and replace the Grief.

I haven't found that magic unicorn.

I struggle with my grief, which I suppose

in many ways has been compounded by 

Grief of other losses.

So it's like you can't get over one,

before you find yourself beset with another.

***

All I do know is how much I miss her.

But, I can see that there is 'healing',

as the tears don't automatically begin if I think of her.

So that much is progress.

And my heart tells me

she is waiting 

and I wait too.

We will be together again one day,

and it will be eternal.

 

#TBT

There you are.

In  my mind's eye.

In that chair that still sits 

in the same spot you are

sitting in.

The illusion from a photograph

taken so long ago.

It taunts and tantalizes me.

Where are you my little love?

My heart misses you so much.

I know I have to go on,

I know it will take longer

for me to find you again.

It doesn't make it any easier,

but I just hang on.

Hang on is all I can do.

#TBT

#missingyou

 

Remembering My Beloved Abby

It's 7 years ago today.

It's been 2555 days. I don't know why we measure things, but we do.
Grief math is something a lot of bereaved people keep track of.
At the start, it feels like ticking days off a calendar one day,
two days,
three ...
until you've lived without them for a week.
Then it's one week.
 Two weeks.
 three...and then it's a month.

One month.
Two months.
Three...
How you feel about the days adding up depends on the moment.
Sometimes you measure the distance you grieve by
putting the distance between yourself and the life once shared.
Other days, they might feel more like progress.
As time passes, you may count by larger intervals.
One year,
Two years,
Three...
How may anniversaries or birthdays has it been?
How old would she be now?
When will you have lived longer
without her than with her? (soon, very soon)
The exact questions depend on the exact circumstances.
One thing is true,
I don't know how to stop doing grief math.

***

All I do know is this:

You had to go.

I  know that now.

My heart couldn't take it when you did leave me.

It still can't, but somehow does.

I still do grief math.

But, even as I count the days, weeks, months, and

now years you've been gone from my sight,

I also count that each moment is one less I'll have

to live without you.

It is by mere inches I creep towards you up there

on your path ahead of me, waiting.

Because I do believe you are waiting.

I couldn't bear all of this if I didn't.

You were as much a part of my soul,

as I was a part of yours.

We had too short of a 'life' together,

but we will have eternity together,

my beautiful girl.

Just wait, just you wait.

***

#TBT

Taken July 24, 2013.

4 days before Abby had trouble breathing,

and life changed completely.

It's never been the same.

Miss you baby.

#TBT

Beyond the Moon

Beyond the Stars

My heart

oh my heart

I miss you so.

As long as I can

remember

you will never be

forgotten.

#TBT

A girl and her box.

Abby was always the 

very first on in a box.

Always.

#TBT

#missingyou

Christmas 2012

 What I didn't know, until I did.

Our final Christmas morning in 2012.

So long ago.

we shall find peace

we shall hear angels

we shall see the skies sparkling with diamonds

~Chekov

                                      

#missingyou

Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day

Today is Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day,

which Deb Barnes from Zee & Zoey began in

2015 for the loss of her beloved Mr. Jazz.

It is commerotative for all animals who have passed

through our lives.

***

My losses are for both Abby & Gracie who

sadly passed within 6 months of one another.

It is also about my own need to find 

answers to all the emotions that occured because

of those two losses in addition to a lot 

of other 'losses' that happened.

***

I don't know that I discovered the definitive answers

by any means, but I did find some resolutions.

I do want to emphasize that anyone in the first YEAR

will not be able to find any way to find any

solace, it's just a slog your way through process.

In fact, when you look back on it, you wonder even

how you made it.

***

There are so many shocking things that you don't know

until you do.

Once you do you so wish you could unlearn them.

But, you can't.

None of that may seem to make sense, but believe me

once you go through it you do.

***

Loss isn't just about losing that one that is dear to you.

No it's all about the secondary losses too.

That person or animal, filled so much of your daily life.

You lose all of that too.

And sadly with time,

you lose again.

Memories fade.

Like an old time photograph losing it's

color and finally it's images.

***

I suppose the only thing that doesn't get lost

is the love you feel.

No that goes on.

It's a bittersweet feeling because that love can 

only love a ghost.

You can't touch a ghost.

You can only remember.

Which is what today is all about.

***

I miss you Abby.

And I will love you

to the Moon

and back...

until I see my final Moon.

Then, I will be reunited with you.

And there will be no more

being apart again.

Forever.

Blogoversary

It's a Thankful Thursday.

You woke up.

Breathing.

One breath 

at

a

time.

Thankful for

being.

 Today is my 14th blogoversary.

Thankful.

Most years I published everyday.

While I was working in my earlier years

of blogging I may not have been able to

publish as often.

But, to say how grateful I am for those early

posts is an understatement.

They are a testament to Abby's life.

Gracie's life.

And to the lives of Boo, Ping & Jinx.

Later to Annabelle.

And now to Mina, Mille, Maize,Micki & Mona L.

But this was all for you.

My sweet girl.

Who I miss so much.

When they tell you words can describe 

a feeling or scene,

it's so true.

Saying I miss you doesn't do it justice.

For this anniversary came 3 days after you left

for the Bridge in 2013.

August is a solemn month.

The entire summer is. Too many losses.

But, the sun always rises and sets.

Everything continues onward.

Even Grief.

Weaving its way into Life.

***

Thank you for all the years.

I will always cherish each of the memories inside of me.

I carry you with me always.

Even though it may not sound like it,

I am eternally grateful.

Abby

Six years ago...

I held you for one last time.

***

I understand that sometimes,

maybe too often, for some

 I touch on the subject of

grief.
I understand if you don't wish to read this.
I get it.
I was once there too.
It's not light reading.
It's not easy reading.
But, this is how I feel.
I'm done apologizing for feeling this way.
It is as they say how it is.

Because I do to understand myself,
and ultimately to process

all of these feelings. 

I write about it here to
release my very tender thoughts

and deepest emotions and fears.
I thank you if you read this far.
I also appreciate any comment or thought you might have.
How do you deal with it,
if you're going through it?

I cling to my memories

 which is all I have left now.

I can't get any "new" memories.

I can't take any more photos.

I can't hold her again.

All I have is what once was.

Sometimes I talk out of fear of her being forgotten.

Other times I'm simply trying to make myself

understand the nightmare and only those

who have walked the same nightmarish path can.

I cling to my memories

even as they fade.

I miss you.

The only thing I could
not protect you from was
...time.

***

And I will always remember
and I'll always
ALWAYS
love you.

***

I do understand that there are some who think:
HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN, and when is she
going to 'get over this'.

I get it.
Truly I do.
I used to think that way too about someone
grieving.

I thought those thoughts and did so until I grieved.
Then I became a member of the 'club' and boy
what a club, and wow what an education I got.

I don't think those things anymore.

Since that day I've come to realize that Grief doesn't
visit you for a temporary stay, oh no. Grief sets up shop --
permanently.

Yes time passes and the intensity of it mutes,
but there are days, oh yes there are days when
it rears up and slaps you down -- hard, and then
goes away to hibernate again.

It forces you to face the inability to do anything
but feel it all and fall apart again. It's hard in those moments
to realize that you're not the same person you once were.
It's strange too because you didn't realize until
you went through it how much change it brought inside of yourself.

You keep wanting to get your old self back, not truly
understanding that it's NOT coming back.

But that odd feeling of healing and that permanent scar of
sadness is the thing that is carried in your soul.
It is the way your love outlives your loved one.
But it's a constant chafing of the soul.

I've now walked down a bit of the Journey and I've come
to realize that this is the road I'm on now. It's NOT
a detour. I will have good days, and happy days, but I will
never ever get over this loss.

That is the price for sharing your life with someone worth missing.
And miss her I do.

Six years in and it's a lifetime sentence that I've finally accepted.
So at the end of MY journey I will be either be
beautifully reunited with her, or I will stop breathing.
Either way I will finally at that point
stop grieving.

So when you experience this and someone asks you
when you're going to get over it, tell them that.

14 Gotchas

Today is Abby's Gotcha.

It would be 14 Gotchas today.

Today is also 70 months since she's been gone.

2129 days.

I count.

Like steps.

I count.

I'm not sure why except I am 

marking time.

Time less now that I will be without her.

Time closer to when I'll be able to hold her again.

This also begins when I have to remember

(good and bad)

those times of her Gotcha, her birthdate,

her death date and the beginning of this Journey

way back in 2005.

Grief like love,

never dies,

never goes away,

never takes a holiday.

You don't "get over it",

You don't "move on".

You go forward with life,

but you're never the same.

You are irrevocably changed and you can't go back.

***

Thank you for letting me be your Momma.

I wish I could have been your first human Momma,

but I treasure the years we had.

I love you

Abby.

I love you to the Moon and the stars

and to infinity and beyond,

and I always will.

I will never forget.

Never.