#TBT

C.2007

My pretty little girl from the back side.

She so loved sitting in the sun looking out this window.

#TBT
#missingyou

#TBT

My sweet girl.

She slept with her paw over her nose,

which made her snore.

You could hear her from other rooms she

snored so loud.

I miss that.

Boy, do I ever.

#TBT

#Missingyou

#TBT

November 2012

Looks like she only has one eye.

My beautiful precious Abby.

#TBT

Rainbow Remembrance Day

My beloved Abby

July 1, 1999

August 12, 2013

My sweet Gracie Grace

Feb 1, 2005

Feb 11, 2014

***

Today is RAINBOW BRIDGE REMEMBRANCE DAY,

a time to honor the memory of those we have

loved deeply, and lost but who shall never in our lives

be forgotten.

***
The blog hop for Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day.


Zee & Zoey

Throwback Thursday

C. August 2012

A year before the long fall down...

A cat and her box.

Looking mighty fine Miss AbbaDabba.

#TBT
#Missingyou

Blogoversary

Angel Gracie

Boo

Angel Abby

Ping

Jinx

***

2005 what a different world it was especially in terms of how

technology was beginning to develop.

I had been online since the 90's, but the world was rapidly changing

in how we communicated. Those of us old enough will probably always 

cherish being "pre" internet children.

But, in June of 2005 I found my soul cat Abby. I had been documenting

that search in the form of a Journal I kept off line on my computer.

I also had always been interested in photography, but I had not caught the

digital bug. Thinking it was a fad. But so much for that insight.

After Abby I wanted to get into this new way of photography.

I had a horrible camera, but maybe they all were in those days.

So between my terrible camera and my little known knowledge of 

online Journaling I began this blog. There were so few cat bloggers in those days.

Timothy Dickens was one of the very first I found and I was especially

drawn to him because he was a tuxedo like Boo & Abby.

Timothy lived a long life until November of 2016.

There were a handful of others and we began a very small tightknit

community. There was so much fun.

Now I can't believe how wide and vast the community has grown.

So many have come and gone, including my own beloved

Abby and sweet Gracie.

When I started it never occurred to me that there would be a downside.

It simply never crossed my radar that there would be loss.

I know.

I know.

Truly I know how could I not fathom that?

But, the losses happened and cats and their Moms stopped blogging.

I've always understood why the blogging stopped, but it was terribly sad

to lose all contact when a kitty went to the Rainbow Bridge.

Things come and go, ebb and flow, I've certainly had that happen.

I've always wanted to keep some type of record

and I'm glad I did. I am not as connected as I once was because my heart

is still broken, even after 5 years, and other losses have added

up over those 5 years and I find myself at a crosspoint.

But, I still know that my kitties have kept me grounded and I want to honor

them.

Especially this one....

She has helped my heart more than anything.

What a loving little Momma cat she is.

So I will continue to honor my special seniors and

my Annabelle who herself is now 6.

I see that blogging is now almost a technological dinosaur.

One day I sense it too will go the way of all of those 

outdated AOL , Yahoo Messenger, MSN Messenger and LiveJournal.

There will be a new way, one day and probably in the not distant 

future and blogging will become like snail mail.

(Which I appreciate btw)

But for now, I want to continue to document my babies.

I was so grateful to have Abby's life with me to fall back on.

It was a comfort once I got through the first stages of Grief.

I hope those who follow us still enjoy our meager updates.

We sure do appreciate all of you.

The thin space between us

Dearest Abby,

I find it very hard to write this to you.
I cannot comprehend that it has been 5 years since I last held you in my arms.
Where has that time gone?
 I cannot grasp that you left this house ON August 13th and simply never came back.
I was so lost in those first days and months after you died.
 I was searching and searching and just doing things to keep myself going on the outside.
But, on the inside time stopped at 9:44PM on the night of August 12, 2013 where you slipped out of my sight and out of my life. I've struggled with that thin line of you being here at 9:43 and gone at 9:44 since the moment it happened. That stark, brutal, incomprehensible small sliver of time and space between living and leaving.  That silent piece of time still haunts me. There was a final breathe and then there were no more. There was a heartbeat that suddenly halted. There was life that ceased to exist in one small incalculable amount of time and I was powerless to stop it. In that one infinitesimal second of space, life was over for you, and for me it was irrevocably completely altered. 

***

In the width of that final breathe,

everything changed for me.

***

There are realities that hit a little at a time as a death is processed. Hard truths that you don't acknowledge or just won't let you mind process. Perhaps it's just the way we insulate ourselves from the harsh truth. But one thing is very clear, my life will not get better. That it not to say it won't be good or that there won't be laughter and joy. No, what I mean is that life will never be as good as when you were here. It will never be better than before you left. No matter where I go from here, nor what happiness I may find, those future events will never replace the past that is gone.

***

I suppose that is why the word

LOSS

while incomplete
 sums it up well as we grieve.

***

When you lose someone close, you adapt to the loss,
with the horrid subtraction that death brings.
You realize once there was a time when you were
  whole,

and no matter what,

THAT is one thing

you

will

never

be

again.

***

The further out I go from your death I do realize it prepared me for things I didn't even understand I needed to be prepared for. But, I will simply never again live in a world of invulnerability. I will never live in a world of completeness nor of feeling secure. I lost all of that along with losing you. Now it remains to me so important to keep your memory alive. For there are so few who knew you, so many are gone too. We lose part of our histories when we lose someone we love. It's a sad reality that it makes some uncomfortable when the dead are mentioned. For it brings great fondness to the person who grieves that although it may bring a tear talking about the one we lost, it also brings great joy, just knowing they are still remembered.

***

I am still searching.
I am still lost.
 I am still trying to understand.
I am still feeling less secure because I've seen firsthand
 how unpredictably the world can be turned upside down in that single sliver of time.
I struggle trying to understand how others can accept death seemingly so simply and push onward outwardly,but that I can't. I don't understand that. I haven't reach that "switch" where I can turn off or on all of the things I feel are gone which once meant so much.I realize that we all have to go on, as forward is the only direction time takes us in. But, I haven't been able to put a pristine ending to you being gone. I suppose I see it as the catalyst of the beginning of many things that ended and made my life so deeply complex. But all I know is that I loved you then and I love you now and I know with clear certainty I will love you with my dying breath.

***

And that I miss you

everyday.

Every

Single

Day.

***

July 1, 1999

August 12, 2013

***
The words I put on this haunting photo are:

Grief is forever.
It doesn't go away.
It becomes a part of you.
Grief and love are conjoined.
You don't have one without the other.
 the reason we never heal
is because LOVE never dies.
That maybe....
the reason we never heal is
to keep hope alive.

Hope begins in the dark,
the stubborn hope that if you show up
and try and do the right thing,
the dawn will come.
You wait and watch and you work.
You don't give up.
~Anne Lamott

And Piglet said....

if ever there is a tomorrow
when we're not together
there is something you must always remember,
you are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem
and smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is even
if we're apart...
I'll always be with you.

***
Somewhere out there
I believe you are still with me.
But, it's hard being the one left
behind...

#TBT

C.2008

#missingyou

#tbt

#TBT

C.2009

#TBT

#TBT

C.2011

Time stands still in photographs.

#missingyou

#TBT

#TBT

#TBT

Abby

c.2010

#TBT

#tbt

Blogoversary

C.2010

Abby is sitting on the back of my chair.

I just like this photo.

***

Today,

12 years ago

that little black and white cat

inspired me to document

her life.

This blog began solely for 

the purpose of doing just

that.

***

I didn't know much about blogging

in those days. In fact I only

knew of a handful of bloggers,

some who are still blogging today.

Most of the 'old-timers'

have left for a lot of different

reasons.

***

I often found it understandable,

but sad that when the cat passed,

the person would stop blogging.

You form attachments and it's

hard to feel that loss.

***

It never occurred to me when I started

blogging Abby's life, that I would

lose her. I know, shake your head,

I understand. But it became apparent

after those first few losses of other

cat friends that one day it would happen 

to me....and it did in 2013.

***

I lost her and my world for that 

reason and many others

has never been the same.

But, I am so very lucky

that girl came into my life,

and even though I miss her

so deeply, everyday, I am 

grateful.

So grateful.

***

So today I celebrate the reason

for the creation of this blog

and 12 years of blogging.

Even though the blog

has transitioned from it's 

original muse it still continues on

in her voice.

It helps so much to keep her 

memories alive and also 

to create new ones.

Thank you all for joining 

in her ride.

Resilience

Merriam Webster defines resilience as the capability to recover or to adjust to misfortune or change.

***

Sometimes I believe one's ability to cope with grief depends on their own determination to just get up everyday and face the world. To stand in the deep shambles of a life crushed into a million teeny tiny shards, and declared : I don't know how or when, but somehow I'm going to survive this . Everyday is spent struggling to put those teeny tiny pieces of the past back together whole, until you realize you can't. There isn't any way to put it back together the way it once was.

***

So the days and months and even years are spent feeling troubled, resentful, in deep sorrow and outrage. There are rages against injustice of the realities, feeling deceived out of what could have, should have might have been. In all that pain, still one does not give up. There is still the desire to try and make sense of it all, until in a moment of clarity you see you can't put it back together the way it was. But you have to take what's left over in the rubble and turn it into something different.

***

So again you begin to rebuild, despite set backs,
failures and low spirits,
 you keep going.

When you have a terrible day, you still get up and go through the next one.

When you see images that bring tears of sadness, you cry, it's OK.

When friends & family let you down, you forgive them.

When life seems worthless and pointless, you hold out hope

that you will feel different,

with time.

There is no question each day you will feel weak and alone.

Maybe even believing you are the only one who feels this way.

You're not.

You're not alone,
and you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

***

But you keep picking up the pieces and rebuilding.

You are rebuilding an entire world, your world.

But what you fail to acknowledge is that each day,

each one is a act of resilience, against grief,

and it demonstrates the immense strength you possess.

You will stumble, yes, and you will fall.

You may even buckle completely.

But as long as you get up and keep trying you will grow 

stronger.

It may not feel like it but you will.

And one day,

it will not feel as bad and then you'll reach a tomorrow

where resilience will win.

***

Abby

7/1/99

8/12/13

#TBT

C.2012

One of Abby's favorite spots.

The antique chair in the kitchen.

Now it has become Annabelle's go to 

napping chair.

#TBT

#TBT

I have so few photos of Abby and I (in any way)

together.

This was from a trip taken to my brother's home over

Thanksgiving in 2010.

He took photos of us.

This was one of them.

I'm still reaching for you baby girl.

#TBT
#Thankful

#TBT

Another favorite photo of mine.

Abby slept curled up like this all the time.

Paw over paw nose tucked in.

Funny how you remember certain things so clearly.

She would have been 18 on July 1st.

I'll always remember.

Miss you dear Abby.

#TBT

#Thankful

#TBT

C.2011

I love the look on her face.

And,

I love the way her fur looks like white feathers.

*smoochies in heaven Abby*

#TBT

#TBT

c.2009

#TBT

#TBT

#TBT

c.2009

I had found a bird's feather outside and I brought it in

so Abby could get a good sniff.