Abby

Six years ago...

I held you for one last time.

***

I understand that sometimes,

maybe too often, for some

 I touch on the subject of

grief.
I understand if you don't wish to read this.
I get it.
I was once there too.
It's not light reading.
It's not easy reading.
But, this is how I feel.
I'm done apologizing for feeling this way.
It is as they say how it is.

Because I do to understand myself,
and ultimately to process

all of these feelings. 

I write about it here to
release my very tender thoughts

and deepest emotions and fears.
I thank you if you read this far.
I also appreciate any comment or thought you might have.
How do you deal with it,
if you're going through it?

I cling to my memories

 which is all I have left now.

I can't get any "new" memories.

I can't take any more photos.

I can't hold her again.

All I have is what once was.

Sometimes I talk out of fear of her being forgotten.

Other times I'm simply trying to make myself

understand the nightmare and only those

who have walked the same nightmarish path can.

I cling to my memories

even as they fade.

I miss you.

The only thing I could
not protect you from was
...time.

***

And I will always remember
and I'll always
ALWAYS
love you.

***

I do understand that there are some who think:
HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN, and when is she
going to 'get over this'.

I get it.
Truly I do.
I used to think that way too about someone
grieving.

I thought those thoughts and did so until I grieved.
Then I became a member of the 'club' and boy
what a club, and wow what an education I got.

I don't think those things anymore.

Since that day I've come to realize that Grief doesn't
visit you for a temporary stay, oh no. Grief sets up shop --
permanently.

Yes time passes and the intensity of it mutes,
but there are days, oh yes there are days when
it rears up and slaps you down -- hard, and then
goes away to hibernate again.

It forces you to face the inability to do anything
but feel it all and fall apart again. It's hard in those moments
to realize that you're not the same person you once were.
It's strange too because you didn't realize until
you went through it how much change it brought inside of yourself.

You keep wanting to get your old self back, not truly
understanding that it's NOT coming back.

But that odd feeling of healing and that permanent scar of
sadness is the thing that is carried in your soul.
It is the way your love outlives your loved one.
But it's a constant chafing of the soul.

I've now walked down a bit of the Journey and I've come
to realize that this is the road I'm on now. It's NOT
a detour. I will have good days, and happy days, but I will
never ever get over this loss.

That is the price for sharing your life with someone worth missing.
And miss her I do.

Six years in and it's a lifetime sentence that I've finally accepted.
So at the end of MY journey I will be either be
beautifully reunited with her, or I will stop breathing.
Either way I will finally at that point
stop grieving.

So when you experience this and someone asks you
when you're going to get over it, tell them that.

Between Here and Gone

Abby's Candles

Tonight the moon came up, it was nearly full
Way down here on Earth, I could feel it's pull
The weight of gravity, or just the lure of light
Made me want to leave my only home tonight

I'm just wondering how we know where we belong
Is it in a photograph, or a dashboard's poet's song
Will I have missed my chance to right some ancient wrong
Should I find myself between here and gone

Now I could grab my keys, peel out my in truck
With every saint on board bringing me their luck
I could drive too fast like a midnight thief
As if there was a way to outrun the grief

I'm just wondering how we know where we belong
In a song that's left behind, in a dream I couldn't wake from
Could I have felt the brush of a souls that's passing on
Somewhere in between here and gone

Up above me
Wayward angels
A blur of wings and grace

One for courage
One for safety
One for 'just in case'

I thought a light went out, but now a candle shines
I thought my tears wouldn't stop, then I dried my eyes
And after all of this, the truth that holds me here
Is that this emptiness is something not to fear

Yeah, I keep wondering how we know where we belong
After all the journeys made and the journeys yet to come
When I feel like giving up instead of going on
Somewhere in between...

 

Yeah, I'm just wondering how we know where we belong
Is it in the arc of the moon leaving shadows on the lawn
In the path of fireflies and a single bird at dawn
Singing in between here and gone
Mary Chapin Carpenter

In case you missed this, it's my post on my state of mind here....What I've learned.

This is long, over 5 minutes but it is worth a listen if you have never heard it before.
Here and Gone

****