I have written my heart out because I knew that if I didn't none of
it would be remembered.
Yesterday and the 36 hours that preceeded it was Abby's
last and lasting gifts to me.
Abby went over the Rainbow Bridge
August 12,2013 at 9:55PM EDT
I'm not ready yet to do a tribute, I am just numb.
My girl was just so beautiful.
She is still beautiful and her beauty lives on
in my heart and thorough the eyes of all
the photographs I took of her.
I was trying to find one special picture and I can't.
But I came across this.
The date was important.
***
Also important was this was my first series of pictures.
So unknowingly my first picture is 8-12-2005
and my last pictures are from 8-12-2013
It was my first digital camera.
Abby had been with me 2 months.
My little ragamuffin.
I know that she's was not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.
But she is at the time where she stopped being a cat, and started instead to be part of everything. She's in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just couldn't leave her,the past week.
I was afraid she'd die and I wasn't going to have the honor of singing her to sleep, or
of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts other things ahead of love & friendship.
I am the woman who stays home, concocting food for my dearest, oldest friend. And help her to be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.
Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I felt the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I did my damnedest, to be there for her.
Because it was the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
***
So we flew one last time to the Moon,
Abby and I.
But this time,
she flew higher than I could go.
She flew ahead of me.
While my feet stayed afixed
firmly to the ground.
I didn't want to let go.
But, I told her I would.
In those final intensely beautiful moments
I released my baby.
She went from my arms
to the arms of an angel.
And I know she is now healthy
and her youth is restored.
She will no longer need
to face more Vet visits,
and needles and pills.
She is free.
It is I who is shackled.
And numb.
And beyond words explaining: lost.
***
I may not be around for a little while.
I really don't know.
I am not quite sure what I am feeling.
Or where I am going.
***
I also want to do some retrospectives of Abby.
And get her back home with me.
Writing has been my saving grace. Words
spilling out and you listening and hearing my
cries of fear and agony and sadness.
***
I hope to find some wisdom somewhere
in all of this. I know Abby and I shared
some very deep and intense moments these
past 2 days. We said it all to one another.
She gave me her last gifts and I gave her
mine. But...it would not be human of me
if I wasn't wishing for that one more day
which I'll never have now.
But the week she spent her at home
was her final miraculous gift.
And God graced us with allowing her
a natural passage here at home
in the arms of the human who loved her
the most in this whole world.
***
Abby
I still
love you
to the
Moon
and back
again
and
again
and
again
and
I
always will.
***
Love to all.
Thank you so much for your kindnesses.
Thank you for your compassion.
