Abby's Journey -- A Hard Days Night

I forgot these were on my camera SD card.
Abby decided she wanted my chair.
So what she wanted, she got!

It did my heart good on August 6 to see her making biscuits.
In her little lady cave.

Abby this morning.

Tight whiskers.

She isn't having the best of mornings.

Boo comes to check on her big little sister.

It hit hard this morning, another one of those
milestones you don't really want to think about.
This hallway use to hold a morning ritual.
She would follow me from one end of the hallway
where the main litterbox was to the other end
where the gigantic litterbox is.
She would lead the way and grumble to any
cat who would dare interrupt our mission.

I suppose I shouldn't have gone looking for a picture of her
in the hallway,because you know you can never find what
you want when you're looking for it. Right? All I did was open
wide deep cuts into my heart as I was looking at thousands
of pictures of Abby through the years. My sweet little girl it's
so different now. Our journey is closing it's circle.

You may notice that the blue fleece throw on the table is now
the same one she is resting on as I type this.
That jumped out at me. I don't know why but it did.
***
Last night there was a sense of foreboding and I just could 
not shake it no matter what I did. Do words on page haunt
you so deeply that you can't shake them? I guess for me
that is partly what was causing me pause:
CASE TREATMENT SUMMARY:
I am concerned with Abby's mixture of diseases that we are going
to have difficulty treating them all.
STOP
At this time,we are assuming that it is the heart that is
causing her visits to the ER but I cannot be completely
sure of that.
STOP
The big questions we need to ask ourselves is what is her quality
of life and when will it be time to stop.
STOP
This is a question only you can answer but you want to 
have your guidelines in place before she gets in a
crisis again.
STOP
I generally tell people that if good days are less common than
bad ones, it is time to stop.
***
Pit of my stomach just churns.
As positive as I want to be, and strive to be, the gnawing away
of making such a grave deep permanent decision,
making it right.
Hurts.
Like.
Hell.
***
Balancing what is the right thing for Abby.
***
She doesn't want to eat again today.
After such a good response yesterday I was
filled with hope.
But this is the roller coaster ride of life, isn't it?
Right now she is sleeping and breathing restfully.
I guess I should take comfort in that.
***
I know I have done all I can and I'm struggling
with wanting those things I think may help her
be here quicker rather than later.
Time just seems to go so fast and so slow simultaneously.
***
I guess that is analogy of this for me.

Where did it all go Abby?
It just seems like you got here.
Goodness Sweetie I remember the day I brought
you home for the first time.
Clear as a bell.
I remembered how you hated being here that first
night and you hissed at me if I dared tried to touch you.
YOU meant it too.
But you calmed down and we started this journey.
Here we are now.
I hope I've served you well my sweet baby.
I know I tried.
I think you know that.
I think you know I'm still trying.
I also think you know I will be trying
every day I breathe a breath and you will 
always be in my heart of hearts.
You know I'm scared don't you?
Certainly your sister Boo knows.
She is trying her best to shield me and comfort me
and I worry too about her health.
You know Abby it's really because of Boo
that you're here.
She brought us together.
I love Boo so much I wanted to find her
a sister that looked just like her.
And I was hoping that in that process I 
would find a lap kitty.
Well you filled that bill better than anyone could.
When my eyes locked on you on June 12,2005
my heart sang. I like to think in some
ways yours did too. Although it may have
been a different tune.
Whatever the tune was we're definitely both
singing the same one now.
So why don't we sing our favorite right now?
One more day Abby...
***
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day 
***
Now let's fly to the moon Abby,
again
and again
and
again.
I love you baby.

Thursday's Update

Abby in her chair.
This is where she always sleeps, everyday.
What a beautiful sight to my eyes.

Abby up and walking around.
If you look close you can see her shaved leg.
That is where her port was and she hated that catherer.
(I don't blame her one bit)

I felt we were having a darned good day, until I had the chance to sit
down and try and decipher what the Echocardiogram meant.

This is the second page of the report and I thought the first page was
bad enough to get through, I mean what systolic function is hyperkinetic
with a SF%55 mean? Well it basically means that there is a problem with
the way her heart is beating and that there is diminished contraction
of the heart muscle. That took me awhile. Worse part on page one
was that her Left Atrium is moderately enlarged. That is one of the
things that trigger her HCM as being moderate to severe.
Then I see where the Dr who read the report was talking about
trombus in the aorta valve. So what had been a day of small victories
seems like it ended with one big thud.
If she throws a clot it's pretty much the end of the road.
***
I guess, that's why ignorance is bliss and it does say
"possible".
I suppose that is why her Specialist didn't point this out on Tuesday.
But tomorow when we have our next visit I will be asking about it.
I hope we have all the reports back tomorrow so I can get a better
idea about all of her values.
***
You want to know the kicker, the HCM is her secondary disease.
The Hyper-T is the primary disease and it is what lead to the  HCM.
***
So everyday is going to be a victory.
It's going to be my one more day with Abby day.
Just like the Diamond Rio song:

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you