It's been a year.
Nothing has really changed.
Everything has changed.
I still can't believe it that you're gone.
It's the same thing I hear every grieving
person say.
It's so hard to fathom, you'll never
have another moment in this life with
someone you've known most of your own.
It's difficult on many levels, because
the circumstances were not ideal.
Not by a long shot.
I really had a hard time the first few months,
and I thought all about the many years we
shared. I found photos of you and put them
in frames for the first time.
I painted a rosy picture and remembered
the good years. I talked to you nearly everyday.
I felt bad, and had that old regret so many have:
what could I have done more of?
Then one day I had to clear out an old email
account that was yours.
I found very hurtful things, that I was aware of
from the past.
It brought me back down to earth.
You were a complex person, like everyone is.
You had good qualities, and bad.
I still can't quite put it into perspective how all
the pieces fit, but when I came back to earth,
I couldn't paint you to be that noble person anymore.
Maybe it's good I can see the picture more
in focus.
Grieving is a difficult process.
And it is a process.
Our society has moved away from allowing us time
to grieve. People don't want to talk about it.
I think it needs to be talked about.
If you haven't lost someone who has a great impact
on your soul, then long term grief is very difficult
to wrap your head around.
People tell you to "move on", and if they do
that tells you all you need to know about how
it is incomprehensible to them. They've never
gone through it and so from their perspective
it's bewildering it is to watch another person
"wallow" in their grief.
Yes, I've been accused of "wallowing" and told
to "move on", and now I know better.
When you know better,
you do better.
There is no wallowing,
and there is no moving on.
You learn to carry the grief,
it grows within you,
and over time,
you find a way to make peace with it.
But, it never leaves you, if only everyone could
understand this. Maybe it would make them
be more compassionate.
When you have multiple losses on top of each
other it just extends the pain and the loss.
I have a long way to go to fully understand my own
loss and my own grief, & it is something I am
working hard on.
I'm not hiding it anymore.
***
And I still do miss seeing that phone number
appear on my caller id.
It's hard to know a number he kept for over 15 years
now belongs to someone new.
It's strange you never expect a loss.
Because you lose so much more than just a person.
I guess that's part of what people
who haven't suffered a significant loss get.
You don't just lose that person,
you lose an identity,
a lifetime of memories.
A future that is muddled.
There is much that has to be
updated and changed when you least are able
to do tangled complex maneuvers.
There is a great deal more
than just losing one thing.
You lose what feels like everything
all at once, and you have to begin
rebuilding from the ground up.
It takes each individual a different path
to find their own way back up again.
That's one reason why grief is such a
difficult process because you can only do it
alone.
