Abby How Can It Be?

Update:I hope the my sharing some of my memories does not cause anyone sadness. I am expressing some bittersweet emotions with my postings on Abby. It brings back some lovely times and I am so grateful to have these memories. They make me sad, still, because I miss Abby. But, I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable because I am expressing both sadness and happiness. I know in many ways this may bring up sad memories in many because so many of us have been touched by the loss of a very special cat, and even years or decades may have passed, but those tender feelings are still there. I share Abby again because it does bring me joy to be reminded of her, as much as it touches my grief, it still is a lovely moment we shared,  that I now share with you. Please know none of this is meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I appreciate all the comments and I just wanted everyone to know that as much as it may sound like I wrote this in sadness, I didn't. I want to keep remembering her for the joy she brought to me as I move along my journey with her now. Thank you for understanding.

Abby how can it be that I remember this like it was just yesterday?
It was August of 2005.
That was a lifetime ago.
That was a moment ago.
8 years.

I had a tiny little red silk flower that had fallen off and you grabbed it.
And...
started to play.

It was not something she did on a frequent basis.

In fact her entire time with me there was very little that intrigued her as far as toys went.

So, I guess that is why this memory stuck so hard in my mind.

She was so adorable when she played.
The only thing she consistently loved,
L-O-V-E-D 
was nip.
Oh my goodness she was a nip head.
She went crazy over nip.
***
She also loved her little round scratcher. She would get up on the table and scratch her little heart out and if I put nip on it, wow that made it ever so much better. It's hard for me to look at that round scratcher without thinking of her because by and large it was her and her alone that used it.

(Updated: I had to replace the cardboard in the round scratcher recentlly. I felt sad throwing away a piece of cardboard. I felt sad because it was something Abby had clawed and scratched on, but it was time and I did it, But it still felt like one more piece of her was being removed)

The other cats occasionally use it, but not like she did when she felt good. Now that I look back she seldom used in the last months of her life. But it was harder for her to get up on the table, even though her Daddy had made some carpeted steps just for her. I thought it was just age, but now I can look and see so much of the final few months were things that had been impacted by her HCM. She just couldn't breathe well enough to do the playful things, which I thought was age related. It wasn't. Now, I'm sure. There were other things she started doing like not wanting to sit with me in the evenings which I don't know how it related to her illness, but it must have. I got the feeling the last few months mentally there were a few lapses, and I again thought it was age related. But if oxygen doesn't get to the brain correctly it causes mental lapses. So now I feel that too was related to her HCM.

******

So much I can see better now Abby, things you kept hidden from me. I wish I had known Abby I would have done things differently. I keep thinking maybe you'd still be with me. But, then I think, how sick you were, and that making you get weaker and weaker would have been worse than God quickly taking you home. I cannot bring myself to say that things worked out for the best, because living without you is a very hard thing. I would not have wanted you to just exist and be unhappy just to have you here with me. I want you back as you were in these pictures. Young, healthy and vibrant. Which is what you are now Abby.
Fly free, hop to your heart's content, Abby.
To the Moon and back Abby.
Let's fly away together.
love,
Momma