Saturday, August 03, 2013


Well here we are right up to an edge of a cliff.
I put some thoughts together this afternoon.
As I was doing this Abby started going in congestive heart failure again.
I called the Doctor on call and she gave me instructions.
After those not working out she told me to take Abby to the ER.
Once there, a Doctor who had never seen Abby started discussing letting her go.
Oh boy.
I called the Emergency Doctor on call back at the Specialist office and  I asked her for her opinion.
Not saying anything disrespectful about the ER Doctor I just feels like he doesn't know Abby.
I just didn't feel good about letting her go when I didn't feel it was
the right thing.
She concurred if we could get her through the weekend, her regular Doctor would see
her on Monday.
Well then the ER Doctor came back with her BUN numbers and X-ray.
Both had positive results.
So I started feeling better.
Just now I got off the phone with ER Doctor and our Specialist.
She is going to see Abby tomorrow at the ER.
But it sounds like she is perplexed about what caused this episode to happen.
Except that HCM, HyperT and kidney issues all work against each other.
So she said some patients don't respond well
She made a reference to a decision may have to be made.
Oh boy.
So before any decision
Let me post this.
This is for my beautiful girl who had a lovely morning today.
So one more day Abby...
Love you sweetie
Love you with ALL my heart
To the moon and back baby
I love you...

Abby turned 14 on the first of July. I was thinking how lucky. She was an older cat, but she was so fortunate. She hadn't been sick much in her life with me since 2005. But, I could still see age creeping up.
And at 14 years old, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. But I don't need to look at a calendar. Aside from the daily regimen of pills I have to administer, you can see it on her face: the slightly unkempt fur, the cloudy eyes, the lines on her face, the heavy breathing.

The spunk is just  a distant memory; her back legs are stiff, arthritis perhaps having taken over. To go anywhere--from my office to the kitchen, from the living room to the bedroom--I watch and worry if she can make it.
When she goes to the bathroom, she sometimes misses, so I clean it up
I wonder if she knows our remaining time together is not as long as it once was?
She used to sleep on top of my chest, her body pressed against mine. But now she prefers to sleep curled up alone. But I find myself arising in the middle of the night, flashlight in hand, looking for her ribcage, to rise and fall. Letting me know she is still with me.
A couple of times, I found myself whispering in her ear, asking her to please not leave me. The thought of her death fills me with frightening fear and dread.
When I had to rush Abby to the ER, I found myself still looking for her in the house. Looking for her in her familiar places. It suddenly hit me one morning when I was with the other four cats that her chair was empty and she might not be coming home. How could that be?
Death is the ultimate cruelty, a frightening emptiness that leaves nothing but pain for those of us left behind. How is it possible that someone you love, and love deeply, someone who helps define your world -- your husband, your wife, your Mom, your Dad, a child, a cat or dog -- be suddenly gone; someone you will never seen again during your lifetime. A voice you will no longer hear. Forever. A void that can never be filled.
I suppose some might think it macabre to think such thoughts, but I can't help it. I am now retired and and at home all the time, and she is there, every minute of every day, my little shadow. When I think of Abby just a few short days ago, I think of how feisty, independent, and fearless her energy was. How many times she would sass her brothers and sisters. How she would follow me each morning while I did the rituals of the day. How she protected me by walking ahead in her no nonsense way and how she rumbled her intent to anyone who dare cross her path. I am overcome with a deep sense of loss. She can't do these things anymore. I can see she still wants to be independent, but her little body won't let her. So I bend down and pick her up and carry her, I hug her to my body to tell her she can still do some of those things but just differently.
When I let my mind think about losing Abby, I literally become blind as my eyes fill with tears. Even as I write this I am having to stop and remove my glasses and wipe them away. So, I am trying to train myself not to. Trying not to think about once was or what might be, but about what we have today. What we have this moment.

We draw our inspiration from wherever it comes; from philosophy. From a poem. A song. Even from a cartoon; from Oogway, the wise, old turtle in Kung Fu Panda. "You are too concerned about what was and what will be," he tells Po. "There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the 'present.'" And that is how I try to think about my remaining time with Abby; a gift to cherish every single day.  I suppose I am practicing a sort of kitty meditation, trying to stay in the present, relishing every day, every moment I have with her. Forcing my mind to stay focused, as I play a game I know I will lose; trying to stave off for as long as possible the finish line in order to protect the heart that knows someday, it will be ripped in half.

Where's my baby girl? Why there you are sweetie. Such a sweetie pie, yes you are my dearest Abbadabba. You.You. You. You. You. Always you.


  1. ::tears::

    Having been on the precipice myself, all I can say is you are Abby's Mom, and you will do the right thing. Whatever that is. Love never dies!
    xx Trish

  2. I've been there too...and know the pain you are feeling. (((HUGS)))

    Island Cats' mom Sue

  3. I had to stop reading to wipe my own eyes. Oh, I'm so so very sorry...I know this heartbreak well. The thoughts and feelings you are able articulate through your fear and pain have touched my heart very deeply.

    I will be thinking of you tonight as I close my eyes. Thinking of you and your Abby.


  4. I was just where you are now a few short months ago with Chica in March and before that with Joey in Dec. It is never easy. Chica also had CRF, thyroid and went into CHF. She rallied for one more day with me even tho the vet suggested I put her down. So many of us have been where you are with Abby and we all know how you feel. You are not alone. I have come to feel that we still have some contact with those who cross over. Chica visits me in my dreams and she is healthy and young. I know I will see her again. Treasure each moment with Abby. You will know what to do when the time comes. Surrounding you and Abby in love and Reiki light.

  5. Having just cleaned and dried my glasses once again, I hope that you this is a no-decision weekend at least.

    But I read the label on your post, and yes, you are fighting a battle you will lose. Hopefully, it will not be today. Hopefully, not even next month.

    But there will come a time too soon when you will have to decide to say goodbye voluntarily or Abby will leave on her own without a final goodbye hug.

    I wish you the strength and wisdom to know the right time. Your years of love and care for Abby, as her Special Person, gives you the responsibility to make that decision. It is our Burden, but also our Last Gift.

    My thoughts are with both of you.


  6. How well I know what you describe. It's with years that I write this because I can so identify.
    Please know all your friends are surrounding you now with love and support.

    It won't take away the tears but we will share them with you every step of the way.

    1. With TEARS, not years. Oh how I hate the auto correct on my phone sometimes....

  7. I too have leaky eyes.. I am so sorry..

    I hope they are able to find something to help Abby... and if not I hope you have some beautiful quality time before the end.

    We all went into pet ownership knowing that if everything went according to plan we would have to face the end with them, but that does not make it easy nor welcome. Know we all know that pain, and are here with you in spirit as you take this difficult rocky journey. We all stand with you, hoping for the absolute best.

  8. Our tears are falling from your thoughtful words for Abby. Regardless of how much time you have eft with her, it is clear that there is much love between the two of you. The kitties are purring hard and hope that the vet can give some good news.

    Jade, Myst, Blackie & Mom Jen

  9. Our tears are falling from your thoughtful words for Abby. Regardless of how much time you have eft with her, it is clear that there is much love between the two of you. The kitties are purring hard and hope that the vet can give some good news.

    Jade, Myst, Blackie & Mom Jen

  10. That was a two-kleenex blog post. I've been there, too, and it's so, so hard. You are doing a good job advocating for her and getting her help from vets you trust, and you'll do what is best for her.

    Thinking of you and Abby tonight and sending you love and strength.

  11. We are so sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard, particularly because it's Abby and particularly because this seems to sudden and unexpected. One day she was in reasonably good health for a 14 year old cat and now today she is back at the ER vet.

    Abby is a lucky cat to have you. We are confident that she knows that too.

    We hope that you and she have many more present moments to share -

  12. We know you will do everything possible for Abby, including letting her go when it's time. We know you have loved her with every fiber of your being, and she loves you with the same intensity. We are purring that she will be home with you soon.

    Cody and Gracie

  13. My heart aches for you and for Abby and words fail me because everyone else before me has so eloquently expressed what I too feel. I know you will do exactly what is right for Abby, at exactly the right time, if you must. And no matter what happens, all of us are here for you.

  14. My eyes are filled with tears as I remember times of waiting and hoping. I hope you and Abby will have more quality time together. You are so in my thoughts! Hugs.

  15. Many many hugs and purrs.

    You will know if and when it is time, even though it breaks your heart.

  16. Oh my friends... we remember like it was yesterday how we lost our Inigo. I am so, so sorry that you're going through this. I'm keeping you in my thoughts, that sweet Abby feels better and comes home to you.

  17. It's never enough time. I watch my darling Prancer Pie like a hawk these days.

    All I can offer is thoughts of peace for you and purrayers for Abby's health. We're holding you close to our hearts. ((HUGS))

  18. My heart hurts for you. Your sentiments about death really connect with me, it feels so cruel. To love and give your heart freely, knowing it will only end with heartbreak. Seems cruel and yet I keep signing up for more. Abby is a gift, a precious gift - I hope you enjoy every second of the gift of her presence. The time goes by too quick, always too short.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and Abby. I pray for much more time together. purrs.

  19. I understand more than words could ever express. This is the Ballicus Mom, and I feel exactly the same way about precious Brainball. Yes, each day with her a gift, each moment a treasure. The universe is a better place for having Abby in it, and love never, ever dies.

    The Ballicai and I are sending you hugs and purrs, and we're sending hugs and purrs to your dear Abby, hoping she will pull through this.


  20. Beautifully written about your sweet Abby. So sorry she is back int he ER and we pray she pulls through for you.

    Though your mind tells you that you my have to let her go soon, you also wnat to see if the medical treatments can be given a chance to work and help to give her a lot longer with you. Since you are still in the phase of getting her on a regular regimine of hte drugs, we totally understand why you reacted the way you did to the ER doctor's suggestion of letting her go.

    Can you think of what seems to trigger her heart failure episodes? Eating her dinner, something with the other ads, anything she might be a bit allergic to? I only ask because these things seem to be triggered when you have to take her to the ER, not early int he day when you can go to your regular vet. Perhaps you can identify a trigger.

    Is she on the methimazole twice a day or once a day? From what we understand, in cats once a day dosing allows the medicine to wear off too much.

    You are very much in our thoughts and prayers. Sending heat butts and purrs to Abby too.

  21. Our human can feel how you feel. Lots of hugs from our human and purrs from all of us!

  22. Mommy understands what you are going through right now. She is sending you lots of hugs and we send lots of purrs.

  23. I can't read all your beautiful words for the tears. I start again and then veil of tears begin.

    I feel so so sad for all of you, for knowing this sweet beautiful and feisty girl - your posts and photos of her and your words throughout the years radiated with such profound love for Abby, your shadow, your soul-mate, your joy.

    Take care

  24. So many tears here too! You write so eloquently about your love for sweet Abby who is your very heart! Love hugs and megapurrs for you and she xoxox

  25. You know I'm sitting here in tears too, with no answers and no real words of wisdom. Because everything you wrote is true. And you know I've been down this road with Annie and it just about did me in.

    Whatever happens, the energy, the spirit, the consciousness that is Abby will be with you, always. All Beings are One, this I believe with every fibre of my own Being.

    Peace and Blessings....May the God/dess give you strength to face whatever lies ahead for you both.

  26. We are all so very sorry that you and Abby are going through this. We know the anguish and fear all too well. You are doing all you can to help her, no one could do more. Abby knows you love her. We hope that sweet Abby can be stabilised and you can enjoy more time together.

    Love, rumbly purrs and hugs

    Gerry, Mungo & The Ape xx

  27. We are praying for Abby and for you. Having been where you are twice in the last year, I know the sadness and the thoughts. May it bring a tiny amount of comfort that you're thought of and wished some peace in knowing you are an awesome kitty mom.
    (((hugs))) to you and sweet Abby.

  28. We are sending lots of healing purrs to Abby and comforting purrs to all of you. We has our paws crossed Abby will have more time with you.

  29. Tears fill my eyes as I read this. No one has ever experienced the exact same thing, but all of us have expereienced thoughts and actions so similar to your beautiful word. This brings back so many memories of my precious Sweet Praline. Those nights of coming home from work, wondering if she'd meet me at the door and those dreaded days of waiting for her to let me know it was time to go. My thoughts and prayers are with you as Abby and you make this journey together.


  30. We are purring like crazy for good results for Abby.

  31. Pardon me for saying...but dammit, that just sucks. We are crying too because we've been there with the same thing. The kindest and toughest thing to do is sometimes the right thing at the right time. We pray that time doesn't come quickly. Please know you all are in our thoughts and prayers. Love and hugs from all of us.

  32. Tears here, too, as we read your eloquent writing about your beloved Abby. We, too, have experienced the pain and anguish of what you are now going through. Most recently with our sweet 19 year old Sammy, who we lost only a few months ago. It's so very clear that you and Abby share an amazing bond, and surely she knows you love her with all of your heart and soul. She does.

    Purring that she can be stabilized, and that you two will have many more days together.

  33. Excuse any spelling as I can't see too well through my tears. I know how you feel and it is something that is the most cruel thing to consider. I hope you will find that the vets can stabilize her but if they can't that you will find the strength to give her the greatest gift of all.
    Love Sue, Hannah and Lucy's Mum.

  34. I have always been touched by the love you and Abby share as shown again here in this post. Oh the heart-break of considering this type of loss. My heart and love goes out to you.

    Thinking of you,
    Karyn (Cloon's Human)

  35. All I can say is, I understand. I understand the ripping away of the loved one, I understand the loss, and feeling lost. My dear friend, all I can say is you are not alone - you do not walk this alone. I too am retired and my days are spent with my kitties. Try and stay in the present as best you can. Sometimes, that is the only place where you can breathe. I think of you often, and pray you peace, and keep you company. Strength and peace be with you, my Friend.

  36. I have thought and felt everything you have written here with the loss of some of my beloved kitties. I have rocked and cradled for hours, days and weeks when their lives were coming to an end. It is always heart-breaking and gut-wrebching. I'm with you, if Abby is still fighting, you must keep fighting for her. Don't let some doc who doesn't know her suggest you let her go. You and Abby will know and decide when that time should be. Love, prayers and hugs, Janet

  37. I have now read backwards to this point and see your struggle over the last few weeks and I must stop as I am crying too much. It's unbelievable how much pain this arises in me from the 3 little ones I have lost. It's always the same...trips to the vet, not knowing what's next... the worst. My condolences to you again - she was a beautiful girl and a wonderful companion. The only comfort is in knowing you will see her again some day. Hugs.


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