Paw Prints On My Heart

2012-2026

October 16,2026

I know it's been a long long time since I've posted.

It seems like I only update with sad news.

I knew one day I'd have to come and write this but I was

hoping that would be a long long time off.

It was not to be.

I can't put into words what the loss of a cat is.

But, when someone tries to say "well it was only 

an animal", I think how little they know.

That little cat was with me everyday, everywhere.

When you got up, when you came home, when you

lay your head down. Each day was filled with a

routine around that little cat.

That little cat never judged, never complained,

never cared how you looked, she only 

gave you all of her love and loyalty.

Then one day, she asked you for your full

love and loyalty back as repayment for all

she had given. She told you it was time for her

to make that trip away to a place you couldn't go yet.

It was a request you knew you couldn't turn down,

even though every fiber of your being wanted to.

But you did it anyway because that was the deal.

She loved you her whole life.

You loved her back.

You could never refuse her anything.

So she traveled to a place where her being, her soul,

her spirit was restored.

Now you have to pick up the pieces of that empty

house which once seemed so full, but now

is so quiet with silence.

One day you know there will be smiles and peace

again, but not now. Not for a long time.

Humans have far to complicated emotions, and their

minds work backwards sometimes.

Mine certainly is going back a great deal,

reliving many things, some very good, some very bad.

Annabelle was pure sweetness.

She was gentle and easy going.

Such a joy.

She loved playing and bedeviling her sister Boo, and being

doted on by her big brother Jinx. I'm sure they greeted her

warmly. She was devoted to me, and I to her. My ying to her

yang. She was a only cat after losing my whole

tribe. It's been 22 years since no paws have run

through this house. It's very very quiet and clean, and 

what I'd give to have fur and litter all over.

It's only been a bit more than two weeks, and I count the 

moments. I will contine to I know because I've done it

too many times before. I also recognize that weeks, months, years

from now I won't be in this acute mourning.

Life goes on as they say, the morning comes,

the birds sing, the world moves whether we like it or not,

and no one cares whether our little world has

stopped spinning.

Life and time push us forward.

Maybe that is because if it didn't, we would never try to

keep up and force us to.

But, for this time,

my world has had a light go out.

I will be forever grateful, total and completely grateful

that this 5 pound ball of fluff came into my life 

on 12/3/13. She helped me so much in my deepest grief 

of losing my beloved Abby. She helped me through 

all the losses I've had since and through so much that 

life through at me. I am indebted to her and always will

be. She was love in fur. Now she is one of my special angel

guides.

Just yesterday, as I was sitting on the porch, a yellow butterfly did

some crazy aerial acrobatics in my side yard. Ive never seen a

butterfly do that before. I want to believe it was Annabelle.

A yellow butterfly would be perfection of her.

I'd like to believe she was telling me she's ok, and not to cry.

I'd like to believe she was checking in on me.

So I will take it as a sign.

I'm OK Mom.

I love you

See ya around.

Yeah Annabelle I'll see you around.

I love you too.

Always and forever and ever....

Until we're together again.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

Boo was shy.

She didn't like having her photo taken.

As I've been going through and searching for

photos of her I find so many of the other cats

over the years.

Makes me sad to see that.

***

I never really knew exactly when she was born.

It was only a guess by the Vet at the time

way back in 2004.

So this date was chosen.

Goodness I miss that sweet little face.

 

A Letter For Boo

Dear Boo,

It's been some time since we were last together.

It seems like it's been forever.

It seems like it was just yesterday.

Sometimes it feels like you were never here.

The empty spaces where you use to be sit

idly silent.

I can only look at your photos and remember

what once was,

and never will be again.

I miss you so very much,

as does Annabelle.

She has been so different since you left us.

It chills me to the bone,

because I fear something is wrong with her.

It's my mind tearing my heart apart.

***

You know, as you saw me often enough,

and heard me softly with all the regrets I've shared

in your presence over the losses that have happened

that in so many ways I don't have that with you.

Because you were so blessed until the very 

last not to have had to deal with a lengthy

illness or suffer in any way.

It happened all so suddenly.

 I know your life was filled with love

and pampering, and also thst you had lived

a long long life.

I couldn't regret any of it.

Only that one thing,

that one thing 

 finally your body couldn't overcome it and 

I had to let you go.

***

The sadness is in the empty spaces

you once occupied. All of what we shared for

so many years. I know how long it took before

I could say Abby's name without tears,

and I fear it will be the same with you.

They say, grief is love with nowhere to go,

and that the price of deep love is

deep grief. 

I'm here to say it's all true.

I miss you more than I can ever begin to express.

I look at those soulful eyes of yours in

photographs and long to reach out and touch you

again, and hold you close to my heart.

I can't reach you.

It hurts.

I know it always will.

My only solace is believing you are now

restored again to what you once 

were and that you are happy and whole.

That one day, one day, you will 

rejoice to meet me at the base of that Bridge.

Until then I love you always,

Mom

 

Buddy

The above photo is of Buddy.

Buddy was a feral cat.

He had taken up residence here at my house

some years ago.

Buddy never allowed me to get close to him.

This is about as close as I could get.

Buddy with several of the outdoor cats who 

have made housecalls here for food.

Another photo of them eating.

I found Buddy in a bad state a few days ago.

I really know nothing about Buddy.

What I saw of him here was that he made good

friends with another feral who I call Whitey

(because he is mostly a white cat).

They adore each other.

I think both of them feel the abandonment

of former owners who did not want them anymore.

But, Buddy left this world

8-12-24.

A cat who only left his mark on my heart.

But that was enough.

I know I couldn't do more other than to feed you

and give you the shelter I could offer.

I know you never went hungry.

I'm sorry this world wasn't fair to you Buddy.

I know you're in a much better world now.

 

One Day

Today if it were possible my Grandmother would have been 124 years old.

She's been gone since 2001.

Time where does it go to?

Today also marks one month since Boo gained her wings.

Time where does it go?

One day.

We only have to take one moment

at a time, if that what it takes.

But one day,

the hole in my soul won't be as large

and hurt as bad.

I'll be able to feel more of the love

and less of the hurt.

One day.

***

I just miss you Boo.

I knew it would be hard.

Hard things are simply that: hard.

UPDATE:

I found this in my draft folder.

Now it's nearly a full year later.

It's no longer just a month since

Boo left, it's now 13 months.

I see how much I took her presence

for granted. She was just always here

for 20 years.

It's amazing how much of a difference

one little tuxie kitty can make in your 

life.

I know no words can really be said,

that describe how much missing of one's heart

is, but there is a massive piece of mine gone.

I love you Boo.

Hope you give a nosekiss to your sister Abby

and let her know how much I miss you both.

 

Boo is home

She's home.

😿

***

I love you Boo.

I miss you.

💔

 

One Week -- Thank you

 

A week has passed since Boo received her angel wings.👼 

Not much has changed.

So much has changed.

Somehow the ebb and flow of time

wears away at you.

It's the first time I've only had one cat

(Annabelle) since 2004.

It's very different.

I miss Boo in ways I can't even begin to explain.

How disruptive it is to have a someone in 

your life for so many years and suddenly,,

they've just gone away.

Poof.

Vanished into thin air.

One moment a beating heart,

and the next second none.

So many things can disappear in an instant.

But thank you to everyone who stopped by

with a kind word, a prayer or a purr,

each one meant a great deal to me.

More than I can possibly tell you.

***

I know we all find that as one day leads into 

another, that to others the loss that is felt in

the household it happens in loses its punch.

It's forgotten.

That is just the way it is.

Doesn't matter the severity of how it dismantles

one life.

I'm struck by that, and I have been on both sides

many times. Until it embeds itself into your 

inner sanctum it's hard to fathom.

***

Grief carries itself for a long time.

Its devastation is felt long after the 

shock of it wears away and 

everyone goes on with their lives.

I wish I knew an answer, but I've yet to find one.

I've been searching since I lost my Abby.

Now all 5 of the original cats are gone:

Abby (2013)

Gracie (2014)

Jinx (2021)

Ping (2023)

Boo (2024)

Can't wrap my mind around it all.

***

All of them so deeply loved,

and greatly missed,

and filled with gratitude for them blessing my time with them.

World Pet Memorial Day

 

Boo

2024

Ping

2023

Jinx

2021

Gracie

2014

Abby

2013

The Closing Circle

2004-2024

How do I sum up 20 years' worth of memories?

How do I express how much is within 

that time frame?

I begin with where it began,

and it all began with her.

In 2004 some foolish person abandoned 3 cats near by

home and they were adopted by me and my husband.

Boo, Ping & Mr Jinx.

Jinx was the first to leave in 2021,

followed by Ping in 2023,

and now the circle is complete and 

Boo is with her two brothers.

Boo was my final link to Abby.

Abby is my soul cat who left in 2013.

It's over, the circle has closed,

and has been completed.

My husband passed in 2021.

They're all gone now and together again.

 I suppose the mission of this blog in keeping

Abby's memories are done.

Because there are no more memories to make.

But I had to give one last final homage to the one who started it all.

***

Boo you were such a quiet mystery.

When we first met you were elusive and standoffish,

and typically, feline.

But as time marched on and each cat left us,

more of your personality emerged and you began showing yourself.

Towards the final years you became more

affectionate and you stuck to me like glue.

***

There was never NOT a time though, that you were not

docile and sweet natured.

You rejected conflict with Annabelle who so enjoyed

bedeviling you 

 even to the morning of your final day.

Oh that bratty sister I can hear you meowing!

These last years you stayed close by to me following me

wherever I went and nestled up to me at night.

I have to tell you Boo last night was hard,

knowing you weren't here beside me anymore.

At least not physically, although I hope you stay close by spiritually.

Breaking those habits of seeing you every moment

will take me some time to process.

***

I find it hard to believe that there isn't a one of us who 

doesn't question our decisions to say farewell.

Even though it's been in my general thoughts because of 

advancing age, I knew your time was nearer.

What was unexpected was how suddenly things turned.

***

To give some insight, last year my Mothers 14-year-old Jack Russell

developed seizures. I saw the progression of what Muffy went through

 and listened

to her Vet talk about what to expect.

A few weeks ago, Boo began having facial tics. They were

few and far between, but I kept watching her.

My main goal and concern was just keeping her

comfortable as she aged. I didn't want to subject her to 

a lot of medical visits if I didn't need to.

But on Tuesday evening, 6/4/24 something very different happened.

She was sleeping next to me in a chair and suddenly she started

acting like she was going to vomit, she was drooling heavily

from her mouth and she lost her balance and became disoriented.

She was having a seizure.

***

It was all over very quickly but I knew things had changed.

 After we went to bed, she had another attack.

Subsequently followed by more.

I knew.

That dreadful unflinching knowing.

From seeing what my Mothers dog went through I 

knew where it was headed.

I didn't want it to get as severe as I had witnessed with Muffy.

***

I got an urgent care appointment on Wednesday (6/5) 

 afternoon

 and my heart knew.

As I drove her to the Vet's office, that knowing feeling grew and grew.

I couldn't let her suffer with more attacks.

Even with medication, how much time was

I buying her? Was it for me or her?

I have been through enough losses that my decision was not to let

things get worse and not subject her to endless vet appointments

and needles and pills.

She was seemingly fine while the Vet examined her.

I had videoed her last attack. 

I shared it with the Vet.

The Vet knew too.

But she offered me a few options.

None of them offered anything but maybe

a small amount of time.

***

Did I want to make that decision to a cat that seemed

 OK right at the moment.

NO! I didn't.

Every fiber of my being wanted to grab her and run out the door. 

I didn't want to leave with an empty carrying case.

I just knew it was all so unfair.

Unfair to her to continue on and unfair to let her go.

I had to choose, and I did.

I let her go...

As it turned out I was the final person in the office,

and as I left,

with my empty carrier,

the rain was falling like the tears down my face.

***

Part of me feels settled with the decision because I know Boo had a 

long and happy life.

But it's never enough.

Even though rationally I know I did the right thing, my heart doesn't

feel that way.

Hard decisions are hard.

***

 I loved you for so many years, decades, and you loved me.

That love doesn't die, I know this.

It will live on inside of me until I am reunited again with all

of my boys and girls.

But it hurts like hell.

I've gone through a lot of loss, and it never gets easier.

The older you become the more the losses add up.

***

It's always hardest on the ones left behind.

We have to live with just memories of what once was.

Face a future with the absence of that which our heart

was deeply attached to.

Even though I have great gratitude for all the years,

the bitterness of the loss will hurt for some time to come

Until the heart forms it's scar tissue over that wound

and the memories will be more comforting than hurtful.

***

I know that the loss of my girl won't change the world,

but it changed my world, and it's gotten much bleaker

without her.

She was an angel while she was here and now, she's an angel

with fine silk gossamer wings.

Her health has been restored and she young again

with a beautiful coat that shines like silk 

as in the photos above of her in her prime, 

and she's happy.

I will tell myself these things and believe them.

For that is what I want for her.

***
 Boo I miss you.

 Boo I remember that day twenty years ago,

of you dashing across the yard like a rocket through the air,

you were so fast.

You raced the wind,

now you can again.

I will always remember you racing to me that day.

It's etched in my mind like the beauty of a sunset.

I've keep looking for you, but I can't find you.

You were just here and now you're not.

I know one day I'll be ok, just not today,

and maybe not tomorrow either,

or even weeks from now.

But soon.

I love you my sweet girl.

I just love you.

💗💗💗

Thank you Ann for the lovely badge.

Thank you to Meerier's Mews for the 

lovely tribute.

 

A Decade Later

Today, I remember you.

I remember this day, from 10 years ago.

10 years!?!?!?

See that beautiful face?

10 years ago I knew we only had precious moments left.

The appointment had been made for 4 pm.

I soaked in that February afternoon with you.

I knew it was time.

You were suffering.

It was so hard for you to breathe with all

that fluid.

I had done the procedure to remove the fluid from

your lungs only the day before and your Vet and I 

agreed if it came back there would be no more of

that hardship for you to endure.

It was hard to come to that realization.

That medicine could not help you any more.

You were so young.

It was so unfair.

You should have had more time.

I needed you to have more time.

But, my sweet Gracie Grace, we both ran out

of time and I held you as you left this Earth on

this day in 2014.

I miss you my dearest little tabby girl.

I always will.

One day I pray to hold you again.

And this time, we won't ever be parted.

Love you forever and ever.

~Mom