The Closing Circle

2004-2024

How do I sum up 20 years' worth of memories?

How do I express how much is within 

that time frame?

I begin with where it began,

and it all began with her.

In 2004 some foolish person abandoned 3 cats near by

home and they were adopted by me and my husband.

Boo, Ping & Mr Jinx.

Jinx was the first to leave in 2021,

followed by Ping in 2023,

and now the circle is complete and 

Boo is with her two brothers.

Boo was my final link to Abby.

Abby is my soul cat who left in 2013.

It's over, the circle has closed,

and has been completed.

My husband passed in 2021.

They're all gone now and together again.

 I suppose the mission of this blog in keeping

Abby's memories are done.

Because there are no more memories to make.

But I had to give one last final homage to the one who started it all.

***

Boo you were such a quiet mystery.

When we first met you were elusive and standoffish,

and typically, feline.

But as time marched on and each cat left us,

more of your personality emerged and you began showing yourself.

Towards the final years you became more

affectionate and you stuck to me like glue.

***

There was never NOT a time though, that you were not

docile and sweet natured.

You rejected conflict with Annabelle who so enjoyed

bedeviling you 

 even to the morning of your final day.

Oh that bratty sister I can hear you meowing!

These last years you stayed close by to me following me

wherever I went and nestled up to me at night.

I have to tell you Boo last night was hard,

knowing you weren't here beside me anymore.

At least not physically, although I hope you stay close by spiritually.

Breaking those habits of seeing you every moment

will take me some time to process.

***

I find it hard to believe that there isn't a one of us who 

doesn't question our decisions to say farewell.

Even though it's been in my general thoughts because of 

advancing age, I knew your time was nearer.

What was unexpected was how suddenly things turned.

***

To give some insight, last year my Mothers 14-year-old Jack Russell

developed seizures. I saw the progression of what Muffy went through

 and listened

to her Vet talk about what to expect.

A few weeks ago, Boo began having facial tics. They were

few and far between, but I kept watching her.

My main goal and concern was just keeping her

comfortable as she aged. I didn't want to subject her to 

a lot of medical visits if I didn't need to.

But on Tuesday evening, 6/4/24 something very different happened.

She was sleeping next to me in a chair and suddenly she started

acting like she was going to vomit, she was drooling heavily

from her mouth and she lost her balance and became disoriented.

She was having a seizure.

***

It was all over very quickly but I knew things had changed.

 After we went to bed, she had another attack.

Subsequently followed by more.

I knew.

That dreadful unflinching knowing.

From seeing what my Mothers dog went through I 

knew where it was headed.

I didn't want it to get as severe as I had witnessed with Muffy.

***

I got an urgent care appointment on Wednesday (6/5) 

 afternoon

 and my heart knew.

As I drove her to the Vet's office, that knowing feeling grew and grew.

I couldn't let her suffer with more attacks.

Even with medication, how much time was

I buying her? Was it for me or her?

I have been through enough losses that my decision was not to let

things get worse and not subject her to endless vet appointments

and needles and pills.

She was seemingly fine while the Vet examined her.

I had videoed her last attack. 

I shared it with the Vet.

The Vet knew too.

But she offered me a few options.

None of them offered anything but maybe

a small amount of time.

***

Did I want to make that decision to a cat that seemed

 OK right at the moment.

NO! I didn't.

Every fiber of my being wanted to grab her and run out the door. 

I didn't want to leave with an empty carrying case.

I just knew it was all so unfair.

Unfair to her to continue on and unfair to let her go.

I had to choose, and I did.

I let her go...

As it turned out I was the final person in the office,

and as I left,

with my empty carrier,

the rain was falling like the tears down my face.

***

Part of me feels settled with the decision because I know Boo had a 

long and happy life.

But it's never enough.

Even though rationally I know I did the right thing, my heart doesn't

feel that way.

Hard decisions are hard.

***

 I loved you for so many years, decades, and you loved me.

That love doesn't die, I know this.

It will live on inside of me until I am reunited again with all

of my boys and girls.

But it hurts like hell.

I've gone through a lot of loss, and it never gets easier.

The older you become the more the losses add up.

***

It's always hardest on the ones left behind.

We have to live with just memories of what once was.

Face a future with the absence of that which our heart

was deeply attached to.

Even though I have great gratitude for all the years,

the bitterness of the loss will hurt for some time to come

Until the heart forms it's scar tissue over that wound

and the memories will be more comforting than hurtful.

***

I know that the loss of my girl won't change the world,

but it changed my world, and it's gotten much bleaker

without her.

She was an angel while she was here and now, she's an angel

with fine silk gossamer wings.

Her health has been restored and she young again

with a beautiful coat that shines like silk 

as in the photos above of her in her prime, 

and she's happy.

I will tell myself these things and believe them.

For that is what I want for her.

***
 Boo I miss you.

 Boo I remember that day twenty years ago,

of you dashing across the yard like a rocket through the air,

you were so fast.

You raced the wind,

now you can again.

I will always remember you racing to me that day.

It's etched in my mind like the beauty of a sunset.

I've keep looking for you, but I can't find you.

You were just here and now you're not.

I know one day I'll be ok, just not today,

and maybe not tomorrow either,

or even weeks from now.

But soon.

I love you my sweet girl.

I just love you.

💗💗💗

Thank you Ann for the lovely badge.

Thank you to Meerier's Mews for the 

lovely tribute.