Friday, August 12, 2016

Three


Three years ago today I lost my sweet Abby.
She had turned 14 on July 1,2013.
I adopted her as a older cat when she
was two weeks shy of her 6th birthday.
It was her third and final home.
I promised her I'd always, always take care of her.
 I was so lucky to have her
in my life for over 8 years. She slipped away
from this world in my arms at home. She had been fading for two weeks
despite several vets and specialty vets attempts to help her overcome
insurmountable odds of HCM, hyper-T & renal failure.
They knew. They understood.
It was only going to be a short time before she was gone.
But,I didn't.
 Not until that Monday morning, August 12 2013,when
she looked at me and said Mom I've tried.
I'm tired now and I have to go.
You have to let me go.
And
I did. 


With many decades of life, I've seen my share of losses.
I've lost friends and family to old age and illnesses, as well
as the insidiousness of simply drifting apart.
Life is as much about letting go as it is to 
holding on.
That of which I am keenly aware and still
struggle with.


We try to prepare ourselves for the worst.
Bracing ourselves but we can never know how things will 
end, or how we will feel.
We tell ourselves we're ready,
and so many times ready or not we 
are foisted into a situation for which we are ill equipped to handle.


But loss is much more than a moment, it is something
that endures.
Grief it's co-conspirator is at every turn.
Little things.
Oh those little things that make you remember.
That first morning when I walked in my back door
and she wasn't there was like being hit with a ton of bricks.
She wasn't coming back.
She was never coming back.
That what once was normal life would not ever be the same.
It would be different, very different
 and a new normal of
life would have to be discovered and uncovered.



Death not only brings a painful goodbye, 
but it also reveals regret and guilt.
You do feel a real sense of failure for all you did or didn't do.
No matter what anyone says,
no matter how long it takes,
each of us is entitled to our grief.
I'm certain each of us shares a common thread of
someone saying that we need to get over it,
or it was only a cat,
or you'll just get a new one.



No you won't.

There is no measurement of loss.
One loss is not greater or lesser than another.
Pain is pain no matter what others perceive.
Time is relative to the one who has to live it.
I'd love to think that there would be respect
for that, but sometimes there is not.

***
The most important thing I found was that love
is always there and that it transcends time distance and 
loss. No matter what, my heart has the shape of
an Abby sized love within and that will never die.
And I will always remember.
I will always miss her.
I will always love her.

33 comments:

  1. Anniversaries are not always good ones. Some bring pain, some hard memories. But we here all remember the losses too. We share that with you on this day of special loss to you.

    Our purrs to you... May the good memories surround you tonight as you sleep...

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  2. Purrs to you today. Yes, there are some losses that linger and ache forever. My human understands. She will always miss the cat before Sparkle, and knowing that she will likely outlive me, even though I am still young, makes her cling to each day we have together.

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  3. Each cat is an individual. And some who said that..really got no clue.
    Me and mom know how much you love Miss Abby
    all we only can offer.... Hug & Soft Purr to you
    xox

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  4. We agree, Some anniversaries are sad.
    Knowing that death is part of the life cycle does not make things easier.
    When a loved one leaves, it hurts and we feel that loss.
    Purrs to you today as you remember Abby.
    Purrs Georgia and Julie,
    Treasure and JJ

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  5. Has it really been three years? Every cat takes a piece of our heart with them. We're sending purrs and hugs. <3

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  6. A beautifully written, poignant post. We don't "get over" the losses, we just adapt to that new normal, in time. Even when our hearts long for the "old" normal and we feel the world should stop spinning, because our world HAS stopped, everything else continues to move along. Eventually we move along too, stumbling sometimes.

    My thoughts are with you, the boys are sending purrs and purrayers. Hugs.

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  7. Such a beautiful post. I really feel sorry for your lost
    Kylie

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  9. Very true, in everything you wrote.

    What you went through, and go through, with Abby’s loss sounds very much like me and Tungsten, right down to the hyperthyroidism and kidney failure. I adopted her when she was seven, and she died short of her 15th birthday.

    When I came home after taking the orange one to the hospital for that last time, I walked through the door with the empty carrier and told the other cats that it was ‘just me’, as I had told them many times. That morning, it was doubly true. I had left with Tungsten, but coming back, it was just me.

    There is always guilt and regret. Maybe over a day when I yelled at her for almost tripping me, or when I didn’t have enough time for her. Now, I try to make at least a little more time for my other cats, but when they go, I will see it as never having been enough. Always regrets.

    We get better at coping with the loss, but the loss never gets better; it never goes away.

    I wish Abby could have stayed.

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  10. Your words never fail to touch my heart and make me recall my own losses. It's so true when they say the depth of your love equals the depth of the loss.

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  11. You have so many wonderful memories and photos of Abby, and we understand the pain they can carry along with the joy. You will always love and remember your beautiful Abby.

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  12. ((((hugs)))) It's so difficult and the anniversaries always seem to bring fresh pain.

    The Florida Furkids and Mom Sharon

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  13. These type of anniversaries are always difficult; some more than others. My thoughts are with you as you remember your time with Abby.

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  14. It's always so hard when anniversaries come around. Abby was a very special and beautiful girl. {{HUGS}} - MeezerMom

    purrrssss - Sammy

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  15. Abby was very lucky to have been in your home. She knew so much love and the biggest gift to here of course was letting her go. I do think the coming home after they have left is so very hard. Big hugs to you.

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  16. sending hugs and loves to you Debra; I know this is a difficult day, just as I know Abby is always by your side. the signs may be subtle, the signs may be obvious, but she is always, by your side and she will remain so, until you see each other again in heaven.....♥♥♥♥♥

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  17. That was beautiful even though it made me cry. I am sorry you didn't get more time with Abby, but no time is ever enough. XO

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  18. Such heartfelt words and I understand the pain in every one of them. The feeling of loss never goes, it never even eases. Instead we learn to live with it the best we can. Hugs to you.

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  19. While she is not with you physically, her spirit is with you always

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  20. Hugs from all of us. We know what you mean, we're still not over the loss of Ivan, especially Dad who tried so hard to save him. We know Abby will always love you too.

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  21. I completely understand as do we all. Love to you on this anniversary. xoxo

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  22. Big HUGS from M and me. We so remember that day and the weeks before and after. Such a beautiful girl and so loved. But, we will always remember her in our hearts and mind. She was special and so are you for giving such a wonderful life to all your furbabies!

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  23. Sending lots of love and hugs. Losing someone so precious is never easy, no matter what anyone says, no matter if it's a "just a cat", no matter if you had the cat 10 days or 10 years. It's the amount of love that was shared that makes it so hard. And you and Abby shared so much love - you had a wonderful life together, though not long enough. It never is. I hope that you are able to look back on all of your memories of Abby fondly and with a smile, and that they bring you some comfort. She is with you still, and always will be <3

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  24. She may be gone...but she will never be forgotten...and she will always be loved. Purrs......

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  25. ((((hugs))) and love, this was exquisite, we know how hard it is xoxoxo

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  26. What a beautiful essay - and it applies to the ones we have all lost, as well as to your beloved Abby !

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  27. What a beautiful post ! We understand you so well... ((hugs)). Purrs

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  28. People and even animals all experience loss in a different way. Life does go on and so does grief. Both can go hand in hand. We've all missed Abby as she was a beautiful little girl cat but no one will feel it like yourself.

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  29. Sending you much love, and purrs and prayers of comfort. Your words are powerful and true. We, too, still grieve the loss of our heart cats who have gone to the Bridge.

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  30. Thinking of you. I know only too well how hard it is to deal with the loss of our beloved cats. It is never easy no matter how much time goes by. Our hearts still ache.

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  31. There are four angels in this furmily, and we too have gotten the get over it nonsense and its just a cat junk, too. It almost makes the petcretary want to scream at them...NO...It ISN'T.

    Sending big hugs your way, and its good to know that Abby is loved and cherished in your heart forever, and all of her precious memories.

    ((((( ♥ )))))

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  32. My thoughts are with you. You're brave putting your heart out there but the words are healing, not only to you but to others. Complicated grief is never simple. xoxo

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