Today is my first Father's Day without you. I still cannot believe that you're gone. People say that all the time I know, but it's so sadly true. How can you be just gone? Father's Day was June 18th last year, and I can remember wondering if it was to be our last, and only 23 days later you were gone. How can you not be here? It's almost like you're off on a trip and any moment you'll be coming back home, but I know in the realness of this world that you're not. I cannot get you a card, just a simple card and write to you the things in my heart like I have done so in past years. All I can do is write out my thoughts as a way of banishing them from my head.
I still talk to you every.single.day. But, I've found it's not as therapeutic as I'd like it to be, because you can't answer me. There's still so much I have to say to you, and Daddy I just don't know how I'm going to spend the rest of my life without you here. I know that sounds overly dramatic and I also realize I shouldn't try to take it all in one lump sum. But, I can't help but realize how much more time I have on this earth to live, live without your kind presence in it. I can still see you clearly in my mind's eye and hear your voice. I long so much to hear again and again. As time goes by, I will lose that. What tricks the mind plays on us. How it secures certain things and loses others to past.
I'd begun grieving for you many months before your body gave out. I could see it happening. I still wish you were here, but I have come to accept what you told me several weeks before your death. You were ready to go and even though it was so painful to hear those words from your lips on a daughter's level I did understand. I do understand. But I know you understood my reaction, I'm your little girl, I always will be, even though I'm an adult of multiple decades, I'm still that little girl who didn't want to lose her Daddy.EVER.
I am so grateful that you told me every day that you loved me when we said goodbye on the phone. Those things become automatic but I know you meant it to your core. I think you knew you were in the final lap of your race and you wanted to make sure that those of us who mattered the most knew we mattered.
You must have known how time was coming to a close because you wrote notes to each of us. Writing was hard for you and even finding the words was hard. Even though I know how far from perfect I am thank you for saying I was the perfect daughter. Those few words you wrote to me will endure and reassure me.
I so wish I could have more time, we always want more. But it simply ran out.
There is so much to be grateful for and I try very hard to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts. Sometimes though the grief overwhelms me. There has been so many changes in the world I operate in and I know you understand all of this.
One of the things I have come to realize is how everyone is walking around with so many burdens and wounds that the world does not see. I also understand much better now how hard it is to deal with, everyone is dealing with something hard. I suppose the world is designed so we can't show it, but the losses everyone suffers are as unique as is the way each one deals with it.
There is an awareness of feeling alone in the world which was not there before for me. But, I learned one thing that helped me with the loss of my beloved Abby, and that was this, each day is one less day I'll have to live without her. I'm moving towards her, and now you. It's a trick of the mind. I suppose that we all try to find some way to bring solace to ourselves and that was mine. Abby always loved you Daddy and I hope you gave her a pat on the head as you made your way greeting all of those souls who were waiting to see you again. So many, so many of your relatives welcomed you with open arms.
I know you've probably already met all of them but Daddy I had a friend do a genealogical family tree of our lineages. I wish I had done it while you alive but somehow I had to do and find the family branches. She was able to go back 20 generations down your Grandmother's side. I so wish there had been more on your Dad's side. But finding all of these amazing people was incredible, but I'm sure you already know that.
I miss you Daddy. I know I tell you that everyday and you're probably tired of me saying that. But you'll be remembered and missed by me everyday of my life until I see you again. I'm sorry I keep crying, I get that from Granny, she was the only other crier in the family I can think of. I so wish I could give you another hug, it's been hard going through all the firsts without you. I still expect to see you come back through the back door. There's just always going to be a part of me missing. I cannot ever be 'whole' again. At first, I thought I was losing that title as 'daughter' because of losing you, but I've come to see that I'll always be your daughter and you'll always be my Father, even though your body is no longer on this earth that bond is always there.
I know you would not want me to be unhappy. I'm still struggling with that because I've yet to find a way to even being able to find peace with Abby being gone, I don't know how I'll ever find a way to find a way to be at peace with you being gone. I may never be able to do that. I'll be OK but I won't ever find a way to be able to happy when I look at old videos or old photographs. I tried recently by looking at old photos of Abby and by the time I got to the point where she was sick and dying I was nearly dying myself. It was too much. Even for me to psychologically deal with it. I'm long past being concerned what anyone else thinks about how I feel in regards to losing her, she was just that important to me. So where I thought I was stronger now I realized nope not yet.
I'm babbling Daddy. Like I said I wish I could pick up the phone and call you and just talk because you always told me I could call you anytime of the day or night if I needed to. Well, I need to. But, it's not meant to be.
I just miss you so deeply. But I'm hugely grateful to you because you did instill that you always unconditionally loved me -- such a gift -- such an important gift -- to have in my heart. It will always be in my heart as long as it beats. Thank you for such a gift. Thank you for being the perfect Daddy.
forever your daughter....