Absence

Grief often finds the sentiment that GRIEF is LOVE,

but that isn't a one way exchange. It's not the exact love we had

for someone when they were alive, but it transforms

into the grief we hold once they are gone.

There was a space they held in our lives

which left a gaping hole, but grief fills that chasm.

Absence allows us to tap into a new depth of love,

one which was unknown. It's not something anyone can

fathom until you experience it. But it's still a type of love

that is tapped into to fill the void. It's a yearning.

Yearning for something that's gone. When you look up the 

definition of yearning it says:

"have an intense feeling of longing for something,

typically something that one has lost

or been separated from".

But the missing piece with grief is a yearning to get back

something you can't. When someone dies, the absence is

and of itself it's own unique presence. We hate that void 

 because it represents a reality that we also hate.

All that we loved is now gone.

But we also hold onto a love for that someone

even though they are physically gone from our

day to day living. So we are entangled in that loss of

presence and cling to it with all of our might.

We all continue to visit and revisit old memories,

knowing they hold a powerful emotion of

deep joy, but also deep pain. In the midst of all of this

we stand in awe at the depth of our love,

our loss, and our grief. We want the grief to end

and we never want it to end, at the same time

because we fear the painful idea of our loved one 

being forgotten.

But, with their absence we learn something maybe

we were incapable of knowing while they were alive.

We discover just how much we miss them. It seems 

obvious that you'd know this but, incredibly you don't

and can't, until their presence is gone. We learn

how much pain their absence brings to our own lives.

We also learn how we willingly lean into that pain

to keep them close.

I think back to learning how to deal with that pain.

In my own mind I make it worse. I think I can't stand

something, and I go one step further, and

then I know I can withstand anything.

So even though we think we can 'know' what it 

would be like to lose someone we love, when that 

moment happens, what you feel is not what you thought.

You are transported into the unimaginable.

That gap between what we imagined and what we 

never have imagined

 lies the love we meet

for the first time.

There are emotions that only emerge in that 

vast universe of GRIEF and LOSS.

Grief is a journey.

A life long journey.

You pack it up and take it with you

each step along the way.

You learn more about the depths of love

within that journey,

and I'm only beginning to realize

how layered each moment of it is.

The absence.

The yearning.

The loss...

and the love we only

find in

Grief.

*

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I cross a new threshold today.

Because today marks the beginning

 of a new period.

It is the first day of many

where you will be gone

longer than you lived

with me.

It is hard to fathom that reality.

That so much time has

passed since you left,

and will only continue to increase.

It is just 

another step in my journey

of discovery

about loss and love and grief.

And how inexplicably all

of these powerful

emotions are intertwined together.

*

#missingyoualways