The Necklace

Christmas has passed and we are at the precipice of a new 

year. But, for some reason, and I'm sure the heart knows

why, I reflect back on 33 Christmases ago when I got 

the above aquamarine necklace. It was the first gift my

husband gave to me while we were dating. I can't help

but be aware that this was the first Christmas in 33 years

that he was not here. I still marvel and say "I can't believe

your gone", like so many others who don't have a 

loved one sharing their holidays with this year. I know

there's nothing special about my circumstances, and I'm

aware of how insignificant mine are in comparison to others.

But, in my little world, there is one less person in it

this holiday, and that makes me sad.

Inanimate objects still remind us of what once was.

I know how excited I was that he thought enough of me

to buy this (at the time) expensive piece of jewelry. I've 

worn it often since he's been gone, as it sat unused for

so many years in my jewelry box.

It's just a glance back into a happier time in life,

when everyone was here and it was hard to imagine

what would come.

I guess New Year's eve is a time of reflection and

a look back, maybe further back than the current 12 

months. It is for myself. Memories can be a blessing,

and a curse, but they bind us to one another.

I used to hope for a new year to be better than the one

before, but I've grown weary of that. The last dozen or

so have only brought hardships of one kind or another.

Not that everyone else isn't experiencing that as well.

I know that we all carry burdens. I'm just weary

of my own. I wish my outlook wasn't one of realism,

I am analytical in nature. I wish I could look ahead with

rose colored glasses but I'm pretty sure I know what

lies ahead of me.

I don't like what my clear colored glasses tell me

is up ahead. I try to reassure myself with the 

thing I've repeatedly said, it's not today.

Meaning nothing bad is happening in the moment.

I try diligently to stay in the moment.

But, we were blessed/cursed with the ability to look ahead,

as well as behind, and trying to stay grounded

is the hardest part.

But, today is the last one of another really awful year.

As I reflect on the words here, it sounds so

depressing, and I'm not sure anyone who make it

this far to read this must thinks how bleak this sounds, 

but rest assured,

there really isn't depression in me.

I know that beast, and now what I know

is things I wish I didn't.

For  I've learned the lesson of

you don't know what you don't know,

and sadly the "don't know" is what 

I DO know. Grief is harsh lesson in life. It is what

we are given when you hold someone dear.

So even though it's a dark road it's a blessed one too.

For we once knew love

and we once held someone close

and we never lose that.

We are only parted from it,

perhaps in the scope of things for a short while.

But that in-between time is one of challenges

and self reflection and lots of memories.

So I'll look at that necklace once again ...

and remember.