Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Abby's Journey: The Day After

Please let me know if you can see the pictures now there was a glitch with the other posting.

Abby Sunday 8-11-2013
She is still so so beautiful.
She wanted to get back up in her chair.
So she did.
It cost her, a lot.
This was right before the first cardiomyopathy episode.

Abby resting. 

After her attack, her Daddy and I sat with her.
She looks worn down, worn out.

After seeing her so tired  from that event I just took her
into the master bedroom.
Where we stayed for the next 36 hours together.
Our last 36 hours.
Me and my girl.
Just us two.
Two girls together.

I purposefully did not use flash.
There is extremely low light conditions in my north
facing bedroom.
I  got a lot of blurry pictures.
But, I didn't care.
Blurry is fine.

I thought it was so cute when she stretched out Sunday afternoon.
I was struck by the light streaming in and those little odd white
"spots" are actually the sun filtering through the window.

This was after our long hard night.
It was hard for both of us.
But the look of love is there between us.
Always Abby Always.

She has taken refuge into my chair and is all curled up
Monday morning, August 12th.

Later on that day, she crawled up my chest and sat against my heart.
I am a right handed person. I had my right hand supporting
her bottom, my little Canon camera was sitting on my left side
so I grabbed it and manipulated it with my left hand looking downward.
I did not want to disturb her as she slept and she had no idea
I was taking pictures.

Abby no more pills baby. 

I have had this little box for many years now.
I used it to keep my growing collection of whiskers.
I cut some of Abby's fur and added it in.
This verse has always touched me.
Nothing could be more appropriate now.

Yesterday we took Abby on her final Vet trip.
She was wrapped up in the burgandy throw you have seen in
many of the pictures I took of her. It was a very hard
trip. Very hard. It was the last time I would ever touch or see
my baby on this earth. I know she was not "there", that it was
only her frail little body, but it was the only thing I had to hang onto.
The Vet and their staff were so comforting and compassionate
with us, and I know I left her in good caring hands. We are having
her privately cremated. She will come home to me in about a
week. I have always intended that she will be with me when I pass
over, I think she would want that too.

Yesterday after Abby's Daddy and I got home all I could do was
aimlessly wander. I did this. I did that. I tried taking care of some
of the things we would no longer be needing for Abby. I just had to
put them away, discard them, give them to someone. I just had to.
I couldn't look at it.
I love flowers and being outdoors in the garden. So yesterday it
was so surprising to me to find this butterfly. This butterfly followed
me all over the yard, even to places that did not have flowers.
I know it may seem odd to feel this way, but I believe it was Abby.
And again this morning when I went outside to try and photograph some flowers
this one particular butterfly it kept flying circles around me. Like a lasso.
I mean it flew around and around me.
I stood there in my front yard sobbing.
I just came in again from watering in the yard.
(It's hot here in FL got to water flowers everyday)
I was standing there with the hose
and that same butterfly appeared.
I know, I know it's Abby.
A sign of metamorphosis.
Which Abby just did.
Oh Abby.
Oh my baby.
I love you.
You encircled me with your love my baby girl.

Last night when the crescent moon was up
I went outside and into the night sky I said over
and over and over...

love you
to the moon
and back
and again.
I feel she heard me.
I wish I could tell you I feel her presence,
but I don't, not yet.
But I hope one day I will.
There are so many Abby stories I must share.
So Abby will continue to be a vital part of this blog.
I have tens of thousands of pictures I haven't posted.
Oh don't worry I won't do them all at once!
But, I am thinking I will continue on with Abby
on her Tuxie Tuesday postings. I need to share her.
I also want to tell you that both Abby's Daddy and I
have felt the true compassion from all of you.
He took great solace in all of the comments left
for Abby and for us.
This is a very caring community.
It lifts spirits up when they are falling down.
So thank you from both of us, from all of us.
Abby, Abby's Daddy and me.
I know there is so much more I would like to share
and although this may seem like it
it is still not the tribute I want to pay my girl.
I just can't quite bear to look at all
of those images I have of her.
But, I must say, that I was  stunned when I began
editing Abby's last pictures. In my Mother's eyes on August 11th
and 12th she looked great. But now that I look at the
photographs I realize, oh I realize how far down she
had gone in only 15 days. It was an unsettling discovery.
She is now restored to full health and vigor
and I am grateful. I am grateful that I was able to share
these past 8 years with her. So so very grateful.
She gave me so many gifts and she still is.
I can think of nothing more fitting today, that describes
exactly my feelings than this song by Garth Brooks.
And I am grateful in that blissfully unaware state that I did
not know the way it all would end
or the way it would go.
And yes
I would never 

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

It's my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
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  1. I see all the photos now, Debra, so wonderful, so full of love. I was a bit apprehensive about seeing those last photos, but they're beautiful and tasteful and perfectly natural.

    (((Hugs))) and Blessings to you.

  2. Oh Deb, that is a gorgeous picture of Abby. I'm so happy it finally appeared. Bless her little heart, she is probably having fun chasing butterflies right now. In fact, I'd like to think she sent that butterfly down to you that was following you in the yard. I have a story about a bird landing on our car as we were coming home from having my mother's funeral. I just know she sent that bird to us to ride part way home with us. I think Abby did the same for you.

  3. The photos are wonderful, but Dad can't quit crying so we may be back later. Hugs.

  4. vous avez fait le meilleur, vous avez beaucoup de courage.
    pensées pour vous et pour Abby

  5. We think that it is a beautiful reminder that Abby sent you the butterfly.

  6. so beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us. I saved some of Bobo's fur too.....Abby is playing with my Angel Bobo as we speak

  7. We know you're right...the butterfly is most definitely a sign from Abby. Your hearts will be entwined forever.

    ...going to get more kleenex, again. ; )


  8. I can see the pictures now! Thank you! So precious the memories and I love that verse too. Caro xox

  9. It is always so difficult to lose any of our furbabies, but especially difficult when we have to take them on that final trip to the vet. We had to take our beloved Hemingway on that final trip when we realized he was telling us "I must go." We have clippings of both Margo and Hemingway's fur and also their ashes. Our hearts go out to both of you.

    We learned of your loss at Katie Isabella's blog.

  10. We ave never met but our heart breaks for you. Gorgeous Abby will be with you always, in a butterfly, the wind, the stars. All around. xx00xx

    Mollie and Alfie

  11. I see the pictures now, Debra. Crying again, and continuing to purr and pray and send love your way.

  12. The pictures are beautiful and again so is this post. Our hearts are touched that beautiful butterfly Abby has continued to visit you. Thinking of you and holding you in our thoughts and prayers.

  13. ~~~~~~~~~~
    Poem For Cats

    And God asked the feline spirit
    Are you ready to come home?
    Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
    And, as a cat, you know I am most able
    To decide anything for myself.

    Are you coming then? asked God.
    Soon, replied the whiskered angel
    But I must come slowly
    For my human friends are troubled
    For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

    But don't they understand? asked God
    That you'll never leave them?
    That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
    That nothing is created or destroyed?
    It just is....forever and ever and ever.

    Eventually they will understand,
    Replied the glorious cat
    For I will whisper into their hearts
    That I am always with them
    I just am....forever and ever and ever.


    author unknown


  14. I've kept Tara's fur and whiskers too.

    You two had the same bond we did...never to be unbroken.

    I have thought of lyrics to The Dance so many times when thinking of our journeys with our pets. Love and purrs to you all.

  15. Hi Debra, Mom Linda, Savannah's Mom here. I hope that one day you consider making a book of your journal of Abby's last weeks. Your thoughts, actions, depth of caring as a whole family, you and her Dad both, would help so many with their own loss and grieving when they know a fur family member is spending his or her last days at home. You have modeled for us all how to honor our fur family in their crossing; you never wavered. And yes, Abby is surely within that butterfly...and one night, you will feel her little paws tippy toe across your body to take her place at your side...a slight pressure...then you will know she is all settled in and waiting for you to join her again when you are ready. Every one of our precious cats and our Siberians have all returned in this way. It never ever has failed. be well

  16. Mommy says that she feels like someone is squeezing her heart. Abby has asked us to help you as you grieve, and we will do all within our power to be there if you need a hug, a prayer, a helping hand or a shoulder. Debra, you were so good about chronicling everything that was happening with Abby and how you were feeling through all of it. That strength is what will see you through until you and Abby meet again in a place where you truly can be together forever. Mommy says that she has no doubt that the flutterby was your dear, sweet Abby. Love, purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo and our mommy, Janet

  17. Beautiful post and even more beautiful photos of a beloved kitty and the amazing bond you shared.

    Your post brought tears to my eyes as well.. we all ache with you..

  18. You will treasure the photographs you have of Abby, right up to the end. Every time we read a new post of yours, we are crying again. Your grief is so clear. What a lovely sign the butterfly is.

    Sending extra love to you and Abby's Daddy. Rest well tonight, knowing she is safe.

  19. The butterfly is a wonderful symbol of Abby's spirit... We are purring for all of you.

  20. I didn't think I'd have enough tears today after yesterday and still they flow. I am so so sorry, so sad. Such beautiful words.

    Awww angel Abby. I know you are flying around the moon now lighting up the universe and making things all sparkly and silvery. What a special angel!

    Take care

  21. Our mom says about Abby's photo with those little odd white "spots," "Oh! Those look like the start of little angel wings!" And that made her weepy and she wanted to share the story of when our big sister Zooot passed. We were so heartbroken and just when our mom was sure she couldn't go on, she looked out the window, up at the very cloudy gray sky and there was a hole in the clouds in the shape of a perfect heart. We took it as a sign that love will never end, much like your butterfly may be trying to say, and hope it helps your heart. Purrs...

  22. A butterfly from Abby. One more gift from her to you. You gave her more gifts than you know. When TW looks at Autumns last pictures, she sees the faraway look in her eyes and how very sick she was. We love our babies and sometimes the best present is to let them go knowing how we feel about them. Your last night in the bedroom gave her the courage to let go. You will survive and grow strong cos she'd want that.

  23. Thank you for reposting with your beautiful photos of Abby. The butterfly was certainly a gift from her to you.

  24. I was crying at my desk so hard today when this post first went up that I couldn't see to type anything on my phone. Now, with photos, it's that much more beautiful. Abby is such a beautiful girl.

    It may be a while before you feel her presence, but until the night that she brushes past you in the dark hallway, that butterfly can flutter around you and encircle you with love.

    Hugs to you and Abby's daddy, too.

  25. We think that butterfly was a sign! We know she is with you, even if you don't always recognize it. Purrs and hugs to you!

  26. Debra ... I am infinitely sorry for your loss and Abby's passing seems so personal to me through your words and photos. Our fur babies are together. ...

  27. We are glad to hear that Abby sent you a butterfly to comfort you. We miss her too, however, we will look forward the seeing your lovely photos of her on Tuxie Tuesdays.

    many purrs,

  28. I'm crying my heart out here. I wish I could be half as eloquent describing my love for my furkids as you are for Abby; you truly write from the heart. Beautifully.

    I've had you in my thoughts.

    xx trish

  29. I just came from Brain's blog and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and you know we have all been through it, that awful feeling of loss.
    I try to just think of how much better Abby feels now whole and healthy again and missing you!! She will wait for you and you will be with her again one day!!!

  30. From your beautiful writings, we can feel the love you have for Abby. She may be physically gone, but that love will always be there.

  31. We came to see Abby's butterfly, because we loved our tortie sister whose first anniversary we remembered on Sunday when the butterfly appeared to us, and we also had a fur brother with CHF who was part of that Sunday greeting for he loved his back yard so much, and many others. That butterfly let all of our fur siblings know to look out for Abby when she arrived the next day, so you know she's in good paws. Thinking of you in your loss.

  32. Oh, Debra, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I just know that butterfly was Abby letting you know she was ok. She was such a special cat, and you clearly had an amazing bond.

  33. Debra, such beautiful pictures of your gorgeous, precious girl. My heart is breaking for you. Such love you and Abby shared and will always share. I am keeping you and Abby's daddy in my heart.

    I love the picture and story of the butterfly. My husband and I had something similar happen with sunflowers. We lost a dear loved one to cancer three years ago, and the day after he passed, we had an amazing and extremely rare occurrence on one of the sunflowers in our garden -- a total of four blossoms appeared overnight and were there to greet us, new and fresh and radiant. And yes, our loved one's favorite flower was sunflowers.

    So just as you said about the butterfly that Abby sent or the butterfly of which Abby is now a part, our loved one was likewise telling us that he is okay and that love never dies. Abby is playing at the Rainbow Bridge, watching you with deepest love and saying
    "Mom, I love you. I will always love you."

    ((((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))))

  34. I'm so sorry for your lost of your beloved Abby. What a beautiful tribute, we're all in tears now. Want to leave some Pawkisses to heal the pain you're going through. Little Binky and Granny.

  35. I know just what you mean, Debra. I had Whitey only 3 years. Just 3 short years but what joy he brought with him! I would not have wanted to miss that dance. I had one of my favortite photos of Whitey printed on canvas and he is always looking over me now, here in my office. Smiling his precious Whitey smile. I can actually hear him meeze when I look at it. He is well.

    big hugs my friend. xoxo

  36. I can't even begin to imagine... so lovely for her to come and dance around you as a butterfly... a beautiful dance...

  37. We can see the pictures now. Thank you.
    Sending lots of love and hug.

  38. Keep sharing Abby with us. Whatever it takes for you to feel or do what you need to feel or do. We all understand.


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