Paths Along The Journey

It was two years ago midday this Month that

we began our final Journey together on 

this earth.

I've come quite far in some respects on the part

of the Journey I've had to do on my own

without you here at my side.

I've left behind the immense anguish,

the harrowing suffering

the torturous Grief monster.

Time has done it's work and chaffed

away slowly and gently at the torment of

your loss.

Replaced by an endless absence, 

a longing

a wanting

a wistful bittersweetness

that permeates to the 

inner core of my heart.

***

I don't know how long it will take

for time again to do it's duty.

To heal this new path of my 

Journey without you.

I don't know where it will 

take me and sometimes, admittedly

I simply don't understand.

***

I just

miss

you

beyond

words

everyday.

***

Abby I love you

to the Moon

and back

again 

and again 

and 

again.

***

Abby's Journey

love never breaks

**

it breaks down and

**

it cries

**

but it never breaks.

Abby's Journey

How can it be this was 5 years

ago?

I don't know where the time goes

anymore. Truly I don't.

But, I do know how grateful I am

that in 2005 this teeny tiny black

and white furball came into 

my life.

Our time was much shorter than

I could have ever imagined.

But, I am so thankful for the

8 years and 2 months we shared.

It was our lifetime.

It was.

A Lifetime.

Yours & Mine.

**

I love you 

to the Moon

and back...

again and again

and

again.

Somewhere Out There

Somewhere out there

beneath the pale moonlight

Someones thinking of me

and loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there

Someone is saying a prayer

That we'll find one another

In that great somewhere out there.

And even though I know how 

very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be

wishing on that same bright star

And when the night winds

start to sing that lonesome lullaby

It helps to think we're sleeping

underneath the same big sky.

Somewhere out there

if love can see us through

Then we'll be together

Somewhere out there

Out where dreams come true.

In A Perfect World

 In a perfect world

no one's heart is ever broken.

 In a perfect world 

you wouldn't be so far away.

In a perfect world

it's all so clear to me.

I can close my eyes and see the way it all should be.

In my perfect world

my arms are still around you.

Forever isn't out of reach.

If only we could be 

in

a

perfect

world.

Loving and Losing

273 days....

...from the novel Goodbye for Now by Laurie Frankel

"To love is to lose. It's just that simple. Maybe not today but someday. It is the inevitable condition of humanity. Some sadness has no remedy. Some sadness you can't make better."

"But then why isn't everyone walking around miserable all the time?"

"Because ice cream still tastes good. And sunny and seventy-five is still a lovely day. And funny movies make you laugh, and work is sometimes fulfilling, and a beer with a friend is nice. And other people love you, too.  [Death] has been around since time immemorial. You've run up against it. And there's no getting around or over it. You stop and build your life right there at the base of that wall. But it's okay. That's where everyone else is too. Everyone else is either there or on their way. There is no other side, but there's plenty of space there to build a life and plenty of company. Welcome to the wall."

So I live my life right at that wall,  knowing that death is real and can't be avoided, and some days are indeed very, very good, while others are very very bad. But I do believe that those I love who have gone before me will be waiting. And the biggest reason this life can still seem bearable, and even often beautiful, is because of that hope.

Abby's Journey, The Sixth Month

 

Grief, during these past six months since losing Abby, has been my teacher. At first, I riled and raged and cried against it, as I did most painful experiences in my life.  I fought the lessons and the process, outraged that my life had been so cruelly disrupted, but my patient teacher persisted.  Sometimes stern, often compassionate, my teacher continued to gently guide me to the lessons I needed to learn in order to move forward.  These were the hardest things I’d ever been asked to learn.

In fact, I confused them with punishment, which in some ways helped me to turn inward for an answer as to why this was happening to me.  But, I couldn’t really be sure the lessons would serve me until, I felt I had nothing left to lose.  That’s when I learned to listen; to observe the lessons coming out of the chaos around me, like one of those pictures where a perfectly clear 3D image finally emerges from a mess of dots when you stare at it for long enough. 

Grief’s lessons transformed me and I think that was Abby’s purpose in this world.  I miss her desperately but I thank her for her legacy of lessons and love.

We still have far to go, Abby and I. I doubt our journey will be complete until the end, where I am able to hold her again in my arms. My sorrows have lessen by the gentle soft chafing of time taking little bits of the sadness away. Although I am very well aware of moments of being completely engulfed in a wave the size of a tsunami and tumbling through the strong undertow and being lost. Those moments are fewer than they were six months ago. Six months ago I could only see darkness. Now there is a dim light, like a candle off in the darkness, which can be seen burning. I walk towards that light knowing I am walking towards a reunion. I have many steps to go to arrive at that destination but I am steadily moving on this path. Abby & I. She is in the lead and I can just catch a glimpse of an outline, a silhouette of a cat with no tail. She is waiting up head just beyond my reach, but she is there, and I am here but I go on.

 ***

Six month Abby.

Six months.

184 days to be exact. 

There will be another 184, and then another, the days will follow each other one by one. I will see you clearer with each passing one and my grief is lessen by this. I will always measure my days by that moment in August when you were here one moment and gone the next. As much as I miss you, I am eternally grateful for our lives together and our life journey still to come.

***

So Abby let's take our trip to the Moon.

I love you Abby

to the Moon

and back

Again

and again

and again...

Always & Forever

Abby's Journey Five Months Traveled

So she said:
Take the love that you have for me, and spread it around.

***
Now I have.
But it is not easy to "move on". Some days I still haven't. I get stuck when something happens that draws me back in time. Getting through all the major Holidays was an emotional hurdle. I think it is for many who are thinking about loved ones no longer with us.

***
I spoke with a Medium in December and found it very cathartic. I know to some this may sound like a desperate thing and to others it may sound like reaching for straws. It was not like that at all for me. I went into it very skeptical and was quickly assured by what was being said to me that I was indeed getting communications from Abby. Let me just say this, there were things that NO ONE knew but Abby and me and  that is why I believe. I'm not going to say that this experience suddenly made me completely happy and fulfilled but it helped me a great deal in handling my sadness for Abby. Knowing now what I do know and feel is comforting for me and has given me some peace inside my heart.

***
Right before Christmas, we had to make a trip over to the Vet's office and one of the Vet Techs gave us the clipping of Abby's fur from August 2013. When we took her for her last trip over to the Vet's they were going to cut a locket of her fur for me. The day we picked up her ashes I did not look inside I was too upset. When we got home and I didn't find the fur, I assumed that somehow it was overlooked or lost and I just couldn't handle asking. I didn't want to be told either thing so I just let it go. So imagine my surprise -- no imagine my shock when this appeared. I immediately went right back to feeling like the day it all happened and it was very raw and emotional. I couldn't understand why this happened NOW? I don't have a definitive answer. The only thing I can think of, in a positive way is that Abby wanted me to have as a last parting gift this past Christmas, a piece of her physical body as that is what I am missing so very much. When I touched the fur it was her all over again to me.

***
One of the things the Medium helped me with was understanding was more about the Spiritual side of life. Abby's Spirit is alive and well and lives right here with me beside me. The only thing gone is the physical, this vessel we get around in this world. So having her fur show up mere days before Christmas was her final gift to me. She was saving it. I mean why would the Vet Tech wait 4 months to give it to me? Why hold onto it once you found it? There are no coincidences in life.

***
So the road of this Journey opens up and I am trying to spread our love, Abby's and mine, by opening up our home to a new young life. Abby approves and wanted this to happen and helped to make this happen. I believe that with all of my heart, because there are too many things that had to happen just right for it to occur and it's no coincidence.

***
But, I can no more talk about Annabelle, Boo, Ping, Jinx or Gracie without including my Abby. Because to me she is still here just different. Our Spirits are too closely tied and interwoven for her not to be a part of everything and she will continue to be. I do miss her physical presence here and I know I always always will but I feel her Spirit and I know she hears me when I speak to her, and I know she's waiting. Waiting for me.

***
To the Moon Abby.
I love you to the Moon and back
again and again and again
Forever.

What I've Learned

Abby's Candles

 The above link is to Abby's Gratefulness.Org website where her candles burn. I cannot tell you why but it bring much solace to see her candles burning. If you have a moment it would mean a lot if you could light one. Thank you.

It's been 90 days today. 3 months. There have been changes, some I saw coming, some I did not. As I look over the past I am apprised at being caught so unaware.Oh Abby, I did not realize the paralyzing fear gripping me those two weeks prior to your death. Only after you had gone did I see I had been frozen and clenched in fear. The fear was all over knowing I was losing you, the tide I was trying to hold back but could only hold at bay for two short weeks.That last day, those last hours we had together were the most intense I have ever had with anyone, ever in my life. I have hazy recollections and I think that is the way my mind protected me against the ultimate heartbreak it knew was coming and the one I feared the most. One thing I clearly remember were the deep conversations we had, and knowing our hearts had spoken each of our truths to one other. I am so grateful, eternally so, to have had those glorious hours with you, to be able to say it all, and have you hear me, and to have you respond back with so much of the same intensity. I know you were trying to give me all I needed to see me through. I know that now Abby. As you were leaving from this plane to the next, I told you it was OK to go and how much I loved you. I do remember repeating that over and over again.Then, after you left, I was stunned. Numbness took over. Being stunned and being in shock was the thing that allowed me to get through that first night and those first days as my total disbelief was held back that you had gone.Forever.

So these are some of the realizations I learned.

You do the very best you can with what you are given.

To know that everything you need will come at the right moment for your heart (not when your mind tells you it needs it).

That the world as you once knew it is over. But, a new one is beginning, but you can't see it, yet.

 During the absolute worst our minds protect us with the same numbing magic that pain medications do.

It is why things are so hazy and why we cannot understand or make clear decisions. My mind went numb. It was a good thing. One day many weeks later, I emerged from that haze and the disbelief. Reality began to seep in and acceptance followed. You were truly gone. Forever. There was so much sadness and the questions arose in me of whether I did or didn't do the right thing. That consumed me for sometime because for whatever the circumstance, I found fault with what I did or did not do. The Catch-22 is, I didn't do anything wrong, even though I wanted to find what was wrong and fix it. I couldn't. I had to surrender to the thought of acceptance of what was and when I did, it began to release it's vise grip on me.

There are tears. Still. Lots of tears. I let them flow. I have cried an ocean. The tears are cleansing. They release toxins that are tormenting my soul. I have felt the deepest pains I have ever felt.There were times I thought I was going crazy. This loss was that crucial and that critical to me.The love we shared was full and deep and meaningful. There may even be some disbelief that there is this much suffering over a cat but then I would say if someone doesn't understand the bond between us that's OK, I know what the bond was.This feeling is very real and powerful. My heart and soul had just been broken into a million jagged pieces by a completely unconditional loss of love. It's harder to understand how anyone could not be critically wounded and experiencing sorrow after feeling this much love.

I tried to find something to bring me comfort. Which is very difficult to do when the ground underneath your feet has rippled and cracked wide open. For me, it feels right to talk openly to Abby. I also found it therapeutic to create a memorial for her, a living one to be renewed each year. A spot in the garden to see beauty revive itself.Since I love photography, I also found a release in reediting her photos and compiling them into albums. It will be a long going process as I have so many of her to work on. But it makes me feel like I am still with her and it is preserving her memories.She still feels alive to me while I work on them. The most important thing I found for myself was writing about my feelings. In the early going it was the only way I could release the anguish and the deep sorrow, and as time passed, it was a way to explore how this grief monster was changing and morphing. It allowed me to be able to see visible progress away from the intense sadness. Yes, I still cry and probably always will, but now the tears are less and the sadness is not as strong as it once was.

Every one of us is so different. So going through this will be a unique process for everyone, this is just my experience. For  myself I needed to write it all down, just as I blogged each event of Abby's last few weeks. I needed to record it so that I remembered. I still haven't sat down and reread all the posts between July 28th and August 12th, one day I will, but it is till too soon.Too fresh.

 So many of the things that happened in early August have blurred in my mind, because there was too much happening and it was all so critical. The human mind can only handle so much and then it shuts down and protects itself. Harsh memories get suppressed because you don't want to remember them. But, there are things that are etched crystal clear like it just happened, but most are not.The best thing I have as my collective memory is this blog because it gives me a record of those events. Not just for myself, but for Abby too.

There was a part of me that knew what was going to happen,but I could not allow myself to think it, and I suspect that is where the fear came from.The deep dark place I didn't want to go to, was afraid to go to. But, when the worst happens,and you reach the end, there is such quiet. Stillness.The world suddenly stops moving. The frenetic pace immediately comes to an abrupt halt and you're left with all the accoutrements of the critical care unit you were operating under and it weighs down on you. Hard.

 After all the palliative care which is time consuming and emotion crushing, all that is left is stillness. There are no easy paths down this road and the main lesson I have learned is that it is never over. I am putting this together because 3 months from now I want to see how much further along Abby's journey I have traveled and  how my heart is healing with her guidance.I also hope in some small way this may serve to help someone else. Each journey is unique to each individual but so much of the process I can see is the same. If there is any nugget of wisdom anyone can find I gladly share my journey in hopes of letting you know that what you feel is absolutely normal. I would offer one piece of advise and that is to embrace the grief and lean into it. Let it wash over you. By doing so, you will allow it to become a part of you and also give your heart a good starting place into the healing process.
*~*~*~*

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”-Lena Horne 

Abby's Journey -- Tuxie Toosday Memories

 

 

 

 

 

Abby was not one who played with toys. Even in her early years she didn't really play with toys. I tried. I have lots and lots of toys. But she just wasn't into it. But nip? Nip was another story. That would send her into nirvana! So here she is playing with the nip carrot.
c.Dec 2012
***
You
will
forever
be
my 
always

Surrender

Sometimes
surrender means
giving up
trying to understand
and becoming comfortable
with not
knowing.
~Eckhart Tolle 

This morning ritual filled with such strong memories...

This morning another bag of food to open and no Abby to help me.

I see this face so clearly right where she sits on the kitchen counter waiting.

I love you Abby
to the Moon
baby
to the Moon
and back
again and again and again and again...

Abby's Journey -- Tuxie Toosday Memories

A few weeks ago I had to open a new bag of dried cat food.
It brought back a slew of memories.
Tears flowed.

You see Abby was always the first one to christen a new bag. She always had to have first dibs on it. First by marking it and then by having the first few bites out of the bag which I would let her get herself. She really enjoyed that. 

Abby was keeping all the other kitties away from her "treasured" bag of kibble.

She waiting now on top of the counter for her first taste.

Waiting....

Score!!!!

Oh Abby I still see you sitting right here. I see you as plain as day. I miss those beautiful amber eyes staring back at me. I think every day of the things we shared, and I talk to you as if you were still with me in your physical form. I know you must get very tired of me telling you the same thing over and over again, but I just can't stop missing your presence. Missing your ways. Missing your bigger than life personality. Missing you.
I love you Abby, love you more than these simple yet powerful words can convey. I am making progress Abby. I am not as apt to break down into tears as I did just a few short weeks ago. It's only 64 days since you've gone. Sixty four. The days they continue to roll by Abby. Soon October will turn into November and then December and then this gosh awful year will close. I thought I was glad to see August end, but I think the end of 2013 will be good for me to see over. Perhaps 2014 will show more promise. Maybe there will be more bright days than dim ones. I know you would not want me to continue to feel the nothingness I am feeling now, but I don't know how to make it better, so I am just following the advise of those who have made this journey and doing the best I can. I am hoping that the passage of time will wear away the hollowness and I will find that my mind will not be dwelling on your loss, but rather on your life. Because I do sincerely feel blessed that you came to me and I will always feel that was a gift, each day with you was a gift for which I am grateful. So please bear with me while I walk this path alone towards you and into the light of healing and wholeness.
***
UPDATE
DaddyCat got moved from the hospital to a Rehab facility yesterday.
It was very hard on him, very hard.
The transition wasn't as smooth as hoped for, but in the scheme of things, we have discovered that is just the way things go. DaddyCat has some serious difficulties to overcome plus rehab his surgically repaired leg. We are praying for healing and Rehab to work.

Abby's Journey -- Home Sweet Home

 

 

 

Such a tiny little box.
That holds the contents of half of my heart.
How can it be?
This odyseey that began July 27th?
How does life appear normal one day, and then the next your world is blown to smithereens? How does that happen? The realist in me,says it happens every day to countless people everywhere on this earth, and I bet it seems as alien to them as it does to me.
***
I have been trying to find a way to bring this together for myself, and although I can't seem to quite bring my mind into focus on it, I do believe one thing. Abby was given to me on loan. I only had her with me  briefly and then I had to release her on her next journey, and my next journey. We have to journey apart from one another for what reason that I do not understand. I am not meant to understand. There will continue to be much sadness of my part until I can find a comprehension of Abby's sudden decline and passage to the Rainbow Bridge. It is normal for many questions to arise in one's heart about a great many things, and a feeling of guilt over things done and things undone. I know Abby would not want me to doubt myself and riddle myself with these guilt's, but I do and probably will for some time until I can find some peace.
It seems like it's a human trait to look for reasons behind events and sometimes there is none. Which I think tends to keep us in more turmoil than if we had a understanding.
***
I do know one thing and I hold to this with all my might: there was never a day, never a day, that I took for granted Abby's life with me. She was a gift, my most precious gift, and I never once assumed any aspect of it. I loved her and told her every single day. I still tell her that every single day.
My little soul kitty.
***
Abby is far better now that she is released from her illnesses, and I am grateful that she is restored to health and her youthful beauty and that she is free.
She is now a shining star up in the heavenly skies each night.
And she is the breeze that blows each day.
***
I love you Abby
to the 
MOON
and 
BACK
again
and
again
and 
again.
But I'd give anything to hold you...
one more day.

9:55PM

This is my temporary home

it's not where I belong

windows and rooms

that I'm passing through

this is just a stop

on where I'm going.

I'm not afraid because

I know this was

just my

temporary home.

As I sit here looking at this photograph, I remember holding you for one last time, one week ago today. 9:55PM
You were so sick but I will never forget hearing my heart break when the time came for you to fly away.  Your brothers and sister fills the physical hole you left, but can never fill the void that you left that still looms in our house and hearts. We all miss you Abby, and I hope we can one day just accept it for what it is when it’s time for a family member to go.
*****
One week is a lifetime without you Abby.
Love you girl.
Now to the Moon baby girl.
To the Moon with Momma.

Abby's Journey -- Presence

For my girl.
I took this after 10PM last night because I wanted the
light of the candles to flicker gently over the sweet images of Abby.
It is a beautiful memorial.
I have ordered Abby a special urn that is being created just for her
by a talented potter. It will be placed with all of the things that I
find of special significance for me and Abby.
I hope Stella O'Houligan can see that Abby's quilt is what everything sits upon.
But I have angels and several inspirational Jim Shore pieces including a
beautiful carved cross. Of course Abby's pictures are here.

A gift of surprise from Abby.
Her pawprints all over my grill.
***
As I was finishing up ordering a memorial plaque for Abby to use in
a living garden I will create for her,  (Abby's Garden) I felt the rush of fur at
my feet, just now. I looked and there is no cat in the room except
Gracie who is in the windowsill as I type this. Abby spent many
of her last days and hours in a little box underneath my feet, so
she just rushed by me now. I am posting this today because I want
to preserve that memory. She is letting me know she is still here with me.
***
I love you
Abby
to the Moon,
girl
to the Moon
and back
again
and
again
and
again.

Abby's Journey -- Flow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your

laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper the sorrow carves into your being,

the more joy you can contain.

-Kahlil Gibran

Where I go to talk to Abby each morning.
*****
In the real world, tragedies and losses affect us deeply and profoundly. We cannot forget the past and we certainly do not remained unscarred from them. Each loss affects us irrevocably. When someone we loves dies, the deepest loss of all, a part of us dies with them, and life will never, ever be the same.
How can we expect to love someone, lose someone -- and not be changed inexorably? How could we think it would be a speedy process? Isn't it more likely that grieving will have aftershocks of loss for the rest of our lives? Grief morphs through time, and that person before the loss is forever changed. Healing will happen because everyone finds ways of healing. Those raw jagged pangs of acute grief will fade but just like a deep wound would leave a lasting scar, a profound loss will leave a deep emotional scar that will at times be very painful. Grief is not a short term process; I don't even believe it's a long term process; I believe it is a life time process. Grieving for Abby will become integrated into each layer of my life. It will be apart of who I am going forward. It will continue to be redefined now and forever as does my relationship with Abby. Death will not end my relationship with Abby, it will forge a new one -- one rooted not on her physical presence in my life but on her memory, her dauntless spirit and our love.
Grief is a universal human experience cutting across all boundaries.
It is a fluid lifelong process to make meaning out of loss.
*****
Yesterday I was finally able to go out in the Blogosphere and look at the many tributes and memorials for my girl. I would like to list the ones that I found that so honored her and express my gratitude for your kindnesses in remembering her. There is much truth in saying that something in me heals in connecting with all of you, you help me to connect to my girl through memories and recollections. Thank you for sharing her.

1. Meezer Tails -- Sammy, Miles
2. Cat Post Intelligencer -- Chey, Gemini,Ichiro
3. Island Cats-- Wally, Ernie, Zoey
4. On A More Personal Note -- Stella O'Houligan
5. Brian's Home -- Brian and all of his sisters
6. Cat Wisdom --Merlin, Odin, Gris Gris
7. Derby & Ducky
8. Four White Paws -- The Cat Guy
9. Catitude -- Quinn & Angel Brandi
10. George Clooney -- & Neytiri
11. Sometimes Cat Herd You --Pierre, Ashton, Newton & the cousins
12. The Cat On My Head-- all 9 of you
13. Mark's Mews--Ayla, Iza, Marly & TBT
14. Cat Chat -- Cody & Caren
15. Jasper McKitten --Jasper, Josie, Maggie & Huggy Bear
16. Fuzzy Tails -- Derry & Nicki
17. Madi & Mom
18. Emma & Buster
19. Cats of the Wild Woods
20. Katie Isabella
21. Timmy Tomcat
22. Simba's Antics -- Simba & Audrey
23. Fl Furkids--Raz, Allie,Ellie, Angels Sniffe,Clifford &Tamir
24. The Cat Blogosphere.
25. Felines Follies -- Angel Sandy and little Abb
26. Cherry City Kitties 
27. Life From A Cat's Perspective -- Samantha, Clementine, Maverick & Mr Tigger

*****
If I have missed anyone I would really like to honor you so please let me know.
*****
A very good and kind soul shared something with me yesterday that helped me take a small step in this grief journey I am on. I mentioned in my update yesterday on Boo's posting that I was feeling I was getting farther and farther away from Abby as the day she left me was slowly fading into the past. But, she shared with me this thought: instead of thinking about moving from her, think about moving towards her. I am one step closer to being reunited with my girl as I move forward. I know she will wait for me to be with her and she just took the lead in this journey ,somehow there is comfort in that for me as I hate to think I have lost her for all my time left. So YES I took my friend's advise and last night at 9:55PM I went outside, I looked up at the Moon which here was shrouded in clouds and I told my girl:
I love you Abby
to the MOON
and back
again and again and again.
But Abby I am stepping towards you.
I am one day closer to being there with you.
Momma is coming.
But I have to take small baby steps.
Wait for me baby.
Watch over me until I can get there.
*****

	#pawcircle (@Pawcircle)
8/14/13, 7:18 PM Please light a candle for Abby @manxmnews Group *abbys* Candles - Light A Candle gratefulness.org/candles/candle… #pawcircle

Abby's Journey: The Day After

Please let me know if you can see the pictures now there was a glitch with the other posting.

Abby Sunday 8-11-2013
She is still so so beautiful.
She wanted to get back up in her chair.
So she did.
It cost her, a lot.
This was right before the first cardiomyopathy episode.

Abby resting. 

After her attack, her Daddy and I sat with her.
She looks worn down, worn out.

After seeing her so tired  from that event I just took her
into the master bedroom.
Where we stayed for the next 36 hours together.
Our last 36 hours.
Me and my girl.
Just us two.
Two girls together.

I purposefully did not use flash.
There is extremely low light conditions in my north
facing bedroom.
I  got a lot of blurry pictures.
But, I didn't care.
Blurry is fine.

I thought it was so cute when she stretched out Sunday afternoon.
I was struck by the light streaming in and those little odd white
"spots" are actually the sun filtering through the window.

This was after our long hard night.
It was hard for both of us.
But the look of love is there between us.
Always Abby Always.

She has taken refuge into my chair and is all curled up
Monday morning, August 12th.

Later on that day, she crawled up my chest and sat against my heart.
I am a right handed person. I had my right hand supporting
her bottom, my little Canon camera was sitting on my left side
so I grabbed it and manipulated it with my left hand looking downward.
I did not want to disturb her as she slept and she had no idea
I was taking pictures.

Abby no more pills baby. 

 

 

 

I have had this little box for many years now.
I used it to keep my growing collection of whiskers.
I cut some of Abby's fur and added it in.
This verse has always touched me.
Nothing could be more appropriate now.

Yesterday we took Abby on her final Vet trip.
She was wrapped up in the burgandy throw you have seen in
many of the pictures I took of her. It was a very hard
trip. Very hard. It was the last time I would ever touch or see
my baby on this earth. I know she was not "there", that it was
only her frail little body, but it was the only thing I had to hang onto.
The Vet and their staff were so comforting and compassionate
with us, and I know I left her in good caring hands. We are having
her privately cremated. She will come home to me in about a
week. I have always intended that she will be with me when I pass
over, I think she would want that too.

Yesterday after Abby's Daddy and I got home all I could do was
aimlessly wander. I did this. I did that. I tried taking care of some
of the things we would no longer be needing for Abby. I just had to
put them away, discard them, give them to someone. I just had to.
I couldn't look at it.
But,
I love flowers and being outdoors in the garden. So yesterday it
was so surprising to me to find this butterfly. This butterfly followed
me all over the yard, even to places that did not have flowers.
I know it may seem odd to feel this way, but I believe it was Abby.
And again this morning when I went outside to try and photograph some flowers
this one particular butterfly it kept flying circles around me. Like a lasso.
I mean it flew around and around me.
I stood there in my front yard sobbing.
Calling
Abby
Abby
Abby 
***
 2:45PM UPDATE
I just came in again from watering in the yard.
(It's hot here in FL got to water flowers everyday)
I was standing there with the hose
and that same butterfly appeared.
I know, I know it's Abby.
A sign of metamorphosis.
Which Abby just did.
Oh Abby.
Oh my baby.
I love you.
You encircled me with your love my baby girl.

Last night when the crescent moon was up
I went outside and into the night sky I said over
and over and over...
Abby
I 
love you
to the moon
and back
again
and 
again
and again.
***
I feel she heard me.
I wish I could tell you I feel her presence,
but I don't, not yet.
But I hope one day I will.
***
There are so many Abby stories I must share.
So Abby will continue to be a vital part of this blog.
I have tens of thousands of pictures I haven't posted.
Oh don't worry I won't do them all at once!
MOL
But, I am thinking I will continue on with Abby
on her Tuxie Tuesday postings. I need to share her.
***
I also want to tell you that both Abby's Daddy and I
have felt the true compassion from all of you.
He took great solace in all of the comments left
for Abby and for us.
This is a very caring community.
It lifts spirits up when they are falling down.
So thank you from both of us, from all of us.
Abby, Abby's Daddy and me.
I know there is so much more I would like to share
and although this may seem like it
it is still not the tribute I want to pay my girl.
I just can't quite bear to look at all
of those images I have of her.
But, I must say, that I was  stunned when I began
editing Abby's last pictures. In my Mother's eyes on August 11th
and 12th she looked great. But now that I look at the
photographs I realize, oh I realize how far down she
had gone in only 15 days. It was an unsettling discovery.
She is now restored to full health and vigor
and I am grateful. I am grateful that I was able to share
these past 8 years with her. So so very grateful.
She gave me so many gifts and she still is.
***
I can think of nothing more fitting today, that describes
exactly my feelings than this song by Garth Brooks.
And I am grateful in that blissfully unaware state that I did
not know the way it all would end
or the way it would go.
And yes
I would never 
miss
this 
dance
Abby.
Never! 

***
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
It's my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance