Just Remember This

Things a Cat Must Remember:

A: I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING
B: I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason. - I will do neither A or B especially after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not drag dirty socks up from the laundry room in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back..
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards.
I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
What does your cat(s) need to remember?