During traditional times of the year I'm reminded of the passages of the family members I have lost and as we prepare for another Christmas without them -- sharing decorations, songs and traditions ; I'm reminded how many people are struggling this holiday season with heavy hearts like mine, that others don't see. That person who just "stole" your parking spot at the mall might have had eyes blurred by tears of homesickness. That person wandering aimlessly in the path of your progress at the store might be drifting in memories of loved ones and lost traditions. That flustered and frustrated mother of three in front of you in line might be crying on the inside for her own mother and trying to figure out how she's going to cook her first holiday dinner by herself. Or that person sitting next to you at work may have just come from the Vet's office where she had to say her final farewell to a dear life long companion.
***
For myself, this Christmas will be a first without my beloved Abby. There is a heaviness in my heart that I wish I could erase. I know Abby would want me to, but there "it" sits. That sad monster of grief. The one who is keeping me from being able to completely enjoy all the festive things about the Season. I am so reminded of Christmas Past. How much I want to go back and grab all those memories and hold onto to them tightly and not let go. But we do not live in the past, we live in the now. The now has no Abby in it for me except in those memories. As cherished as they are, they are also an abrasion rubbing and chafing at my soul. I want, oh how I want. I want what is impossible to have. So this year my thoughts will be a little different, I will be thinking about so many others like myself who are living their first year without the one cherished soul they most wish to be with. We will all make it through our first Holiday without our loved ones, but it will be a struggle. You will see us with a little less sparkle in our eye, and a slightly bent smile.
And the Song Merry Christmas Darling by the Carpenter will hold a special grip on my heart which will probably break a little as I think of Christmas this year without my Abby.
***
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart, that's true
But I can dream
And in my dreams
I'm Christmasing with you
And the Song Merry Christmas Darling by the Carpenter will hold a special grip on my heart which will probably break a little as I think of Christmas this year without my Abby.
***
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart, that's true
But I can dream
And in my dreams
I'm Christmasing with you
***
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
Merry Christmas, darling
***
Rather than our rush, our busyness, our frustration and impatience, may we all find the time to share our joy this holiday with others. And please remember those of us going through our first holiday without the one we cherish so much. We want to smile and be happy, but this year, it won't be that easy to do. If you look closely you will find tears of loss as we try to find a new sense of peace without the one we want to be with the most.
Your post is very beautiful and I know how much you miss your little Angel. Memories bring tears to so many when the holidays come around. It is good that you acknowledge your feelings and sharing them helps others - tears are cleansing and seem to always show up in an instant of a reminder. You are so right to remind us that we never really know what others are experiencing.
ReplyDeleteSome years, the things that make Christmas so joyful are the same things that can make it a sad time. Purrs to you, and to all those who are hurting a little (or a lot) this holiday season.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I has some tears in my eyes now. This is one heck of a post dat I do hope peoples will live by at all times of da year. We never knows what udders are goin' through.
ReplyDeleteI knows dis Christmas will be difficult fur you but please know you will be in our thoughts and prayers as da day approaches. Angel Abby will always be near to help you through.
Puddles
Such a beautiful post. The firsts are always the hardest, and it's hard that Christmas is a season now and not a day, so it's a big first. Big purrs to you from all of us.
ReplyDeleteOh that was such a great post and Oh so true. We know Abby was listening to you and we agree that Christmas and any holiday can be really hard on some people.Hope you can have a nice Christmas. Just remember that Abby is watching over you.Take care.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post and having just lost our Pip very poignant.
ReplyDeleteCats Herd You nominated you for our regular guest post on Share It Sunday. You don't have to do anything just send us a link to the post you would like us to host. We will do the rest and it will be on for the 22nd Dec.
We are at mollyDOTthewallyATbtinternetDOTcom.
You also get to nominate the next guest blogger.
Have a fabulous Friday.
Best wishes Molly
We'll be thinking of and purring for everyone facing "firsts". No matter how many years go by, those lost and gone will be remembered and their absence mourned.
ReplyDeleteVery beautiful and so true...we just never know what the strangers around us are dealing with each day.
ReplyDeleteHugs Madi your bfff
How true. We never know what is going on in the mind of one who is irritating us. The "firsts" are always hard!
ReplyDeleteThis post means the world to us. Thank-you for sharing and being a light in the darkness despite the challenges. Angel Abby would be proud. Much love, light & purrs.
ReplyDeleteIt sure is tough. Our Christmas Tree is filled with ornaments for those who are no longer with us.
ReplyDeleteXXXXOOOOOOOXXXXXXX
ReplyDelete=^,,^=
XXXOOOOOOOOXXXXXXX
beautiful post. wonderful words. and they all resonate with me, with us. thank you. we hope you find it a place someday where memory of abby will no longer hurt but only serve as happy reminders of your togetherness.
ReplyDeleteemma and buster
The mom recalls a Christmas 12 years ago when she lost her first cat. Right before Christmas...broke her heart...the holidays were very sad that year. And every Christmas is a reminder of that time. Though time has been the great healer.
ReplyDeletePurrs to you....
Purrs and hugs to you as you do your best to cope.
ReplyDelete***
Not related to loss by death, but I do recall the first Christmas I was alone here, after my ex and I split. I remember I had decorated a tree, but on Christmas Eve I took it all down, I couldn't bear it. It took several Christmases after that before I could have a tree up for the entire season.
So you just do whatever it is that you need to do to get you through it.
Peace.
What a beautiful post friend. So very touching and thought provoking. We always get caught up in the business of our own rushed lives and sometimes forget others are deeply hurting out there. Hugs,
ReplyDeleteWe know just how you feel...even years later, there's always a tinge of sadness and loss at the holidays as we remember those that we've loved so very much but have lost.
ReplyDeletePeace and love to you...and comfort too.
Tears are ok...they help us to feel.
xo
Sending purrs and hugs to ease your heartache.
ReplyDeleteMany bloggers lost precious anipals this year and some have lost beloved family members or friends, as our mom did when her step-mom died in June. Even without a recent loss, this time of year remains very difficult for her as her dad died several years ago on Dec. 26, and Dec. 24 was her granddad's birthday. Mommy says there's always something to be sad about, but that we have friends, family and other anipals who love us and whom we love, so even though we are grieving, we should try to use a portion of our energy to enjoy the good things around us. Those we have lost would want that for us. She really hopes that you will be able to do that, Debra. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo
ReplyDeleteSuch a very beautiful and poignant post, Debra. And so true! Caro xx
ReplyDeleteSuch a lovely and timely post. We do not know what is in the hearts and minds of others.
ReplyDeleteOur hearts and purrs are with you as we also spend our first Christmas without our dear Tillie.
We too are so heartbroken by her passing.
Purrs Georgia and Julie,
Treasure,Tiger and JJ
and mom Nancy
The firsts are always the hardest...sending you lots of love and purrs for this holiday season.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a poignant post. You describe your feelings of grief so well, and I recognise my own feelings there of the monster of grief that sits so heavily. The tears that unexpectedly from a word written or spoken. On Thursday it will be 9 months. It seems so long and yet also like yesterday.
ReplyDeleteMom Linda here...Debra I wish I could say the 'first' Christmas without that special stocking with that special name on it is hardest...yet...it has been 20 years since we had our 3 Siberians stockings hung with care...and I still can easily turn into a sobbing mess when I think of all the many joyous holidays spent with them. Doesn't mean we have loved our cats any less...just they were our hearts for a long time...and as Brian said, our tree ornaments, thanks to Winnie's Wish Christmas balls from Andrea last year, all have every single companion furramily member on them. Hug Boo, Ping, Jinx and Grace...it will help
ReplyDeleteWe saw this beautiful post on Molly's and wanted to come over and say hi! Looking forward to getting to know you. Lee and Phod
ReplyDelete