Sunday, February 03, 2019

2000 Days

I can scarcely believe it.
The hands of time have moved me to it being 2000 days and nights since you left.
I don't know why I mark the time,
I guess it's all I can do now that you are gone.
Count the moments...
I've spent 2000 days and nights missing you.
I don't know how to make that stop.
I don't know how not to miss you.
A lot has changed since August 12, 2013.
Yes, over 5 years ago.
But, the sad thing is, one thing has not dimmed in the slightest.
The love is still in my heart and it aches for you.
Not like in the beginning,
no I have moved past those dark dark times.
I function "normally" now.
(Whatever that means these days)
No one knows the deep scars that I carry,
 except for when I reveal them
like now.
I do it for my own sanity, and it's hard to do so,
because I am most
vulnerable when I talk about you.
It makes me feel like I'm whining
and asking for sympathy.
But, I'm not.
I had some bad things that occurred to me,
things that were said and done,
that shaped my reluctance to speak about the pain I feel.
I lost two "friends" who didn't understand and shunned and shamed me.
They did it  for different reasons,
but it affected me greatly at the time I needed
their support the most.
Nevertheless, my confusion to their response was to
internalize it deeper inside myself.
What did I do?
 I shut myself off
and I shut everyone out.
(That's not healthy)
 I am not alone in finding people that don't understand Grief.
Those who are uncomfortable with the messy emotions
and who simply wish 
that you get on with your life.
'Put your big girl panties on and forget about it'.
But, Grief isn't like that.
You don't forget it, you don't power through it
and you don't literally bury it.
It has to be lived with.
Day by day, moment by moment,
 it will find it's 
settling place.
Maybe some wounds are never meant to heal.
It doesn't mean you don't carry on.
It just means you have a scar that refuses to heal,
and it's not even that you don't want it to heal.
In fact, you do want it to heal.
Quite badly.
You want to find that place that you see others speak of
where you can remember the love and all the warm fuzzy feelings.
Perhaps you failed you tell yourself.
Perhaps you suck at Grieving too.
But then you realize after all the time you've spent studying
everything you can on the subject that you are not alone in how you feel.
 Many others also experience the same type thing
where they aren't transported into that 'happy' space of being grateful.
I am grateful for those years we had, still want them back,
 but you know you'll never have them again in your physical world.
Only if you believe, as I do, that what he have
here in this world is only a brief temporary stop
along the journey, and I do believe,
I will be reunited with her again.
But, the days I count will continue to mount,
and sometimes it's hard for my mind to bridge that gulf.



  1. Purrs to you... my human understands. The cat before Sparkle has been gone for 17 years this month, and she still misses her every day.

  2. We understand too, it’s most difficult. Hugs from all of us.

  3. I understand too. The grief changes but the pain is always there. The awful pain of longing to hold and love them and knowing you can't, it never goes.
    The friends you lost who didn't understand, they should have been there for you if they were true friends. Pets are not just pets, they are our family, our babies, and when they are taken from us it hurts as much as losing our closest most loved family member.
    Believe me, I do know how you feel and send you love and hugs. I wish I could do more.

  4. There is much we do not know, or will ever know, let alone understand. Know this though, you are never alone.
    Healing purrs

  5. What a wonderful love poem!
    Thank You for sharing

  6. I do truly understand...Abby was your heart and soul mate...
    she just 'got' you like Madi did me. 2/13 will be 5 months since Madi went OTRB
    Hugs Cecilia

  7. I will never get over any of my little ones who passed away/ They are bright in my heart and mind and just as vividly there as they were when they were with me. Robin and Admiral are the ones I miss with all my heat, the most. Nothing will take that away. I dread Katie getting older. I feel as though I know how you feel.

  8. She will always be with you in your heart....purrs....

  9. Those we love are never forgotten and always in our hearts. XO

  10. We understand, too, what it's like to feel and grieve so deeply. My heart positively aches every day with longing to see our angels Moosey and Zoe.

  11. We understand what your mom feels. Sending her hugs and headbutts.

    Emma and Buster

  12. It's never easy. We know it too, every thought, every memory, every picture, it still feels like yesterday. The only comfort we have is that we know that we see each other again in the after life💗Soft Pawkisses🐾😽💞


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Happy purrs