Fatherless Day

C.1948

Today is Father's Day, and if you are fortunate enough

to have your Father still alive you are blessed beyond words.

(yes I do realize that some have horrible family situations)

That notwithstanding, today is my third

 Father's Day without my Daddy.

I know how lucky I was to have shared 6 decades

with the best man I will ever know.

The above photo is my Mother & Father

 on their wedding day in 1948,

they look so young because they were, 

she was only 17 & he was 19. 

They were set on a brand new beginning.

They looked and were so happy.

I looked back in my journals on the final Father's Day I

shared with him, and I can see how time was running

out on his life.

 In 2017, he really started falling.

He fell one time against the side of the

wall that he knocked out a part of it.

He suffered a hematoma and was in the 

hospital for several days recovering.

It was during that time I heard the nurse

going over his medication list that it hit me

my own inability to see how sick he was

was laid bare.

The medication list he was on was

extensive and so were his many ailments. 

He had become disabled after a bad

mistake made by a terrible surgeon in 2001.

He lived for 16 years at a very reduced level, and

for a man that had always been active it was a hard

adjustment for him to make,

 but you rarely heard him complain.

I don't know how he did it to be frank.

I never wanted to lose him. I still don't.

But, in the weeks before he died he told me how

ready he was to go.

He was tired from all the pain.

 That scared me, and I started crying when

he told me, because it was unthinkable for me to not have

him in my life. One of two people who hold my whole

history of life with, how could he not be a part of it?

I cried, and he consoled me which is what I remember most.

I lived with knowing how quickly time was running out.

Intellectually, I did.

Emotionally I didn't.

But, that Father's day in 2017, the thought was firmly in my

mind that this was in all likelihood our final one.

Little did I know that in less than a month he would be

gone. 

***

The world breaks everyone,and afterward,

some are stronger at the broken places.

~Ernest Hemingway

***

He and I had developed a routine where he would call

to just "check on me" every morning and every evening.

I can't begin to tell you how much I miss those calls.

Even though we didn't really have that much to say of real

importance, I know the importance of the unimportant conversations.

I so wish I could hear his voice again calling me.

I talk to him frequently now. 

It's one sided, but I like to think he's

listening because I can remember him telling me to call him

anytime day or night, that it was OK.

So, I'm a little more liberal now with leaning on him.

I still cry, heck I'm crying now writing this out.

But, I have been able to let go of the difficult thing of

understanding why he was so ready to go,

 and with him being gone from this Earth.

His life here, had dwindled down to his chair and the phone.

That was the bottom line.

It was no life, really.

Everything was a struggle.

Intellectually I can understand his feelings about wanting to go

and leave his crippled body.

Emotionally, it's taken me a lot longer to do.

Don't get me wrong I still miss him,

 Lord I do.

But, I know he's whole again.

He's not suffering.

We are.

My Mom & me

. 

Especially her, 

because he was her partner in life, 

and it's been

terribly hard for her to make all of these changes so late in her life.

We're just doing the best we can.

I promised him I would take care of my Mother just as he did,

and I've held true to that promise.

I still miss him everyday.

I keep telling myself the same thing I do with Abby.

Every day is one less day I have to be without them.

I know he'll be right there,

 first in line to see me cross over.

Until then we'll just have to continue our one sided conversations.

I'll do all the talking Daddy,

you just listen.

Please don't mind the tears.

***

I love you Daddy,

always.