5 Years

This is my Dad.

I don't know exactly when this was taken.

But he looks to be under 18, and he had to

be because this was in Texas before WWII.

***

It's a framed photo that hung my entire

childhood in our living room.

Now it hangs in mine.

It's a favorite.

***

Hard for me to say it's now been 5 years 

since he passed.

I talk often to him, still.

But I sure miss those silly

"I'm checkin in on you"

phone calls each day.

Oh to have one more.

***

I miss you Daddy.

Until I see you again

love forever,

Your Daughter

 

93

To my Daddy:

There will never be a way to erase

that another year has gone by,

and you're still not here with us anymore.

There will never be a way to erase

the tears that flow when I know 

that time is taking your time here

on Earth further away.

Although, I have come to see that

in direct reverse, the needle of time

which always marches forward

is propelling me closer to you

with each tick of the clock, and that

is a reassuring measure. I can tell you

it has helped me immensely to know

that my time draws closer to the end

rather than the other way around.

I think of you so very often,

and I miss your wise counsel,

and your deep love.

Even though as you aged & you weren't

 the Giant of a man you once were,

in my eyes you still possessed

that super power.

You were my Daddy.

You protected me my whole life,

and I lost that protection when you left.

At least, in my mind and heart I did.

Why does it take a separation to 

fully understand the importance of

someone? Why is that we are unable to 

see how much they mean?

That was one of the valuable lessons

I learned too, you can't possess it

until you've passed through it.

I feel you know that I always

always loved you and my regret is

not showing you more.

But, I know you, and I know you'd tell

me that I did and that you knew,

but it is only when you can no longer

have that Earthly bond,

that you recognize how much you fell

short. All I can do now is

find the lesson and remember it.

But for now, until I find you

again I will wish you a Happy Birthday

wherever you are.

I love you

Your Daughter

 

Remembering

I think of you often, and sometimes I feel silly bringing

my decisions and actions to someone whose opinion I can

no longer ask.

Questioning my choices because the words I hear inside

my head are no longer spoken aloud by you.

I wonder where you are now, if you're playing poker in heaven

talking to every stranger and filling the skies with the light of your smile.

I wonder if you watch me, and shake your head when I do

something foolish or laugh when I do something crazy.

Do you tell the other angels about me?

Do you share stories of when I was a young girl or do you tell

them about the woman I have become?

I wonder if you're proud of me, or would you proud of me if

you were here?

It's been a long road without you here. I know I wasn't the only one

haunted by your death. I know it's selfish to think of my suffering,

but sometimes I sit outside, look up at the sky and watch the clouds

floating by and wonder what you would say to me now

if you could.

I wonder if you listen when I pray, if you're watching my footsteps,

pushing me on when I want to give up?

I wonder when it rains and I lie wake at night listening to the sounds

of fury if you're around me?

If you're reminding me I'm here and that you are loved.

I think about you when it's cloudy or the sky explodes with 

color from the sunrise. I think about how late in life

you were so calm and serene,

even on that final day.

I think about how you used to drive me crazy, but how it's true,

we always miss the little things the most when they're gone.

How I wish I could have one more 10am call and one more

just hearing you say you're 'checkin' on me' again.

I wonder if you'd forgive me for the ways I didn't love you as 

much as I should have when you were here....

I hope you see how much I do now.

Days like today I see life go by in a hurry.

I see the clouds in the sky float effortlessly by and I remind 

myself of the time I've been given.

I remind myself your meter ran out and your time expired, but

your love will never fade. I'll try to keep living as you did,

fully with all of your heart 

even until your last breath.

I hope I honor your memory by the way I live.

I hope to make you proud,

even if you're no longer here on this earth to see it.

But maybe you do only from a vantage point I can't see or fathom.

I don't know for certain, but I'd like to believe

you are still here beside me.

Encouraging me and protecting me as you did my whole life.

I miss you more as the days go by and 

accumulate into months and years.

I see the passage of time as my journey will come to a close

one day and I'll rejoin you and Heaven knows how 

happy I will be to see you again.

Love,

Your Daughter

 

Three years ago

Some days 

I feel like I'm conquering

the world in your honor;

And some days,

I feel as if I'm lost in

a sea of heartache in your absence.

The presence of absence

is everywhere.

Today marks 3 years since I lost my Father.

When I woke up to a world

totally alien to me.

It began like a normal day, the sun rose and

the morning began, but before I was

fully awake I received a call from my Mother

that she could not wake up my Father.

She could not comprehend that at that moment

he would never awaken again.

He was gone.

There had been no imminent indication to

expect this to happen. He just died quietly in

his sleep, gently slipping from this world

to the next one.

For us, life would never feel the same.

***

I've been on a long journey since I lost Abby in

2013 to understand loss and grief.

Perhaps losing her was the part of my Journey

that would prepare me for losing those that 

I also hold near and dear.

It helped me understand a lot of what was going

on within me and around me.

***

But, it doesn't make it any easier.

I'm lost out here.

Looking for

something.

I don't know what it is.

I found this photo recently my hand touching

my baby girl. I'm still reaching Abby.

Even though I can't touch you, I'm still reaching

for you.

But the storm does come,

and none of us escapes it.

I want to go back to this.

When life was good

and I was safe.

I'm not safe anymore.

And life is hard.

I miss you Daddy.

I miss you Abby.

I love you both

and I'm grateful for all that you

blessed me with.

I'm grateful you were a part of my life.

Or I was a part of yours.

I miss that and nothing ever can

replace that.

You have one Father.

If you're lucky you get one soul animal.

Now you're both gone from my sight.

For now.

I tell myself it's temporary.

But, it's still a longer Journey for me to go.

***

It's been said,

time heals all wounds,

I do not agree.

the wound remains.

In time, the mind, 

protecting it's sanity,

covers them with scar tissue

and the pain lessens.

But it's never gone.

***

It's July 11, 2020, and 3 years ago my Father died.

My wound is deep,

and it will never heal.

Fatherless Day

C.1948

Today is Father's Day, and if you are fortunate enough

to have your Father still alive you are blessed beyond words.

(yes I do realize that some have horrible family situations)

That notwithstanding, today is my third

 Father's Day without my Daddy.

I know how lucky I was to have shared 6 decades

with the best man I will ever know.

The above photo is my Mother & Father

 on their wedding day in 1948,

they look so young because they were, 

she was only 17 & he was 19. 

They were set on a brand new beginning.

They looked and were so happy.

I looked back in my journals on the final Father's Day I

shared with him, and I can see how time was running

out on his life.

 In 2017, he really started falling.

He fell one time against the side of the

wall that he knocked out a part of it.

He suffered a hematoma and was in the 

hospital for several days recovering.

It was during that time I heard the nurse

going over his medication list that it hit me

my own inability to see how sick he was

was laid bare.

The medication list he was on was

extensive and so were his many ailments. 

He had become disabled after a bad

mistake made by a terrible surgeon in 2001.

He lived for 16 years at a very reduced level, and

for a man that had always been active it was a hard

adjustment for him to make,

 but you rarely heard him complain.

I don't know how he did it to be frank.

I never wanted to lose him. I still don't.

But, in the weeks before he died he told me how

ready he was to go.

He was tired from all the pain.

 That scared me, and I started crying when

he told me, because it was unthinkable for me to not have

him in my life. One of two people who hold my whole

history of life with, how could he not be a part of it?

I cried, and he consoled me which is what I remember most.

I lived with knowing how quickly time was running out.

Intellectually, I did.

Emotionally I didn't.

But, that Father's day in 2017, the thought was firmly in my

mind that this was in all likelihood our final one.

Little did I know that in less than a month he would be

gone. 

***

The world breaks everyone,and afterward,

some are stronger at the broken places.

~Ernest Hemingway

***

He and I had developed a routine where he would call

to just "check on me" every morning and every evening.

I can't begin to tell you how much I miss those calls.

Even though we didn't really have that much to say of real

importance, I know the importance of the unimportant conversations.

I so wish I could hear his voice again calling me.

I talk to him frequently now. 

It's one sided, but I like to think he's

listening because I can remember him telling me to call him

anytime day or night, that it was OK.

So, I'm a little more liberal now with leaning on him.

I still cry, heck I'm crying now writing this out.

But, I have been able to let go of the difficult thing of

understanding why he was so ready to go,

 and with him being gone from this Earth.

His life here, had dwindled down to his chair and the phone.

That was the bottom line.

It was no life, really.

Everything was a struggle.

Intellectually I can understand his feelings about wanting to go

and leave his crippled body.

Emotionally, it's taken me a lot longer to do.

Don't get me wrong I still miss him,

 Lord I do.

But, I know he's whole again.

He's not suffering.

We are.

My Mom & me

. 

Especially her, 

because he was her partner in life, 

and it's been

terribly hard for her to make all of these changes so late in her life.

We're just doing the best we can.

I promised him I would take care of my Mother just as he did,

and I've held true to that promise.

I still miss him everyday.

I keep telling myself the same thing I do with Abby.

Every day is one less day I have to be without them.

I know he'll be right there,

 first in line to see me cross over.

Until then we'll just have to continue our one sided conversations.

I'll do all the talking Daddy,

you just listen.

Please don't mind the tears.

***

I love you Daddy,

always.

#TBT

Abby

C.2010

She loved this spot.

It got morning light and she was a

sunseeking cat!

Boy did she love a good sunspot!

It's 2 years today that I lost

the best man I'll ever know.

I miss you more and more.

I love you and always will.

I'll see you again.

One day.

You may be gone from my sight,

but you're never gone from my heart.

~Winnie the Pooh

90TH

Today you would have been 90.

People say all the time I can't believe someone is gone,

because no one wants to think about someone

they love as not being in their lives.

Even when you "know" something will happen

until it does, 

you don't KNOW what it will

feel like.

Then you KNOW and you wish

you didn't.

I miss you.

And I love you.

Happy 90th birthday Daddy.

I will be thinking of you.

Wishing you could be here in good health.

After Thanksgiving Hangover

Ping in his Daddy's lap after Thanksgiving dinner. (Ping is not shy.....giggle)

*****

For more post holiday postings...please drop in for a nice long visit to:

WCB being hosted this weekend by House Of the (Mostly) Black Cats

CoTC being hosted by Wonkitties

BKCFoC being hosted by Mind of Mog

and finally Friday's Ark over at the Modulator.

Happy Shopping efurryone!

12-29-28

It was only 4 days after Christmas 1929, my father was born into a tiny tin roofed house with no electricity or running water in a small rural town 50 miles East of Dallas Texas. He lived in this same small town until he left to join the Navy in the 1940's . The Navy took him many places, but he settled into Jacksonville, FL. There he met my Mother and rest as they say is history. He never returned to those Texan roots that meant so much to him.

My memories of my Father are firmly planted in his enormous presence. He stands 6'4", and as a child I thought he was a giant. I thought my Daddy could do anything. I had one of those blessed childhoods where we grew up like "Leave It To Beaver." I can credit both of my parents to raising my brother and myself with great care and love and security.

As a baby boomer, I can now view my parents with different eyes, grateful eyes. They both sacrificed a lot for my brother and myself. They still do.

Today marks 78 years of his life. It is a life well lived and I hope he feels well loved.

I love you Daddy.