Remembering

I think of you often, and sometimes I feel silly bringing

my decisions and actions to someone whose opinion I can

no longer ask.

Questioning my choices because the words I hear inside

my head are no longer spoken aloud by you.

I wonder where you are now, if you're playing poker in heaven

talking to every stranger and filling the skies with the light of your smile.

I wonder if you watch me, and shake your head when I do

something foolish or laugh when I do something crazy.

Do you tell the other angels about me?

Do you share stories of when I was a young girl or do you tell

them about the woman I have become?

I wonder if you're proud of me, or would you proud of me if

you were here?

It's been a long road without you here. I know I wasn't the only one

haunted by your death. I know it's selfish to think of my suffering,

but sometimes I sit outside, look up at the sky and watch the clouds

floating by and wonder what you would say to me now

if you could.

I wonder if you listen when I pray, if you're watching my footsteps,

pushing me on when I want to give up?

I wonder when it rains and I lie wake at night listening to the sounds

of fury if you're around me?

If you're reminding me I'm here and that you are loved.

I think about you when it's cloudy or the sky explodes with 

color from the sunrise. I think about how late in life

you were so calm and serene,

even on that final day.

I think about how you used to drive me crazy, but how it's true,

we always miss the little things the most when they're gone.

How I wish I could have one more 10am call and one more

just hearing you say you're 'checkin' on me' again.

I wonder if you'd forgive me for the ways I didn't love you as 

much as I should have when you were here....

I hope you see how much I do now.

Days like today I see life go by in a hurry.

I see the clouds in the sky float effortlessly by and I remind 

myself of the time I've been given.

I remind myself your meter ran out and your time expired, but

your love will never fade. I'll try to keep living as you did,

fully with all of your heart 

even until your last breath.

I hope I honor your memory by the way I live.

I hope to make you proud,

even if you're no longer here on this earth to see it.

But maybe you do only from a vantage point I can't see or fathom.

I don't know for certain, but I'd like to believe

you are still here beside me.

Encouraging me and protecting me as you did my whole life.

I miss you more as the days go by and 

accumulate into months and years.

I see the passage of time as my journey will come to a close

one day and I'll rejoin you and Heaven knows how 

happy I will be to see you again.

Love,

Your Daughter