Three years ago

Some days 

I feel like I'm conquering

the world in your honor;

And some days,

I feel as if I'm lost in

a sea of heartache in your absence.

The presence of absence

is everywhere.

Today marks 3 years since I lost my Father.

When I woke up to a world

totally alien to me.

It began like a normal day, the sun rose and

the morning began, but before I was

fully awake I received a call from my Mother

that she could not wake up my Father.

She could not comprehend that at that moment

he would never awaken again.

He was gone.

There had been no imminent indication to

expect this to happen. He just died quietly in

his sleep, gently slipping from this world

to the next one.

For us, life would never feel the same.

***

I've been on a long journey since I lost Abby in

2013 to understand loss and grief.

Perhaps losing her was the part of my Journey

that would prepare me for losing those that 

I also hold near and dear.

It helped me understand a lot of what was going

on within me and around me.

***

But, it doesn't make it any easier.

I'm lost out here.

Looking for

something.

I don't know what it is.

I found this photo recently my hand touching

my baby girl. I'm still reaching Abby.

Even though I can't touch you, I'm still reaching

for you.

But the storm does come,

and none of us escapes it.

I want to go back to this.

When life was good

and I was safe.

I'm not safe anymore.

And life is hard.

I miss you Daddy.

I miss you Abby.

I love you both

and I'm grateful for all that you

blessed me with.

I'm grateful you were a part of my life.

Or I was a part of yours.

I miss that and nothing ever can

replace that.

You have one Father.

If you're lucky you get one soul animal.

Now you're both gone from my sight.

For now.

I tell myself it's temporary.

But, it's still a longer Journey for me to go.

***

It's been said,

time heals all wounds,

I do not agree.

the wound remains.

In time, the mind, 

protecting it's sanity,

covers them with scar tissue

and the pain lessens.

But it's never gone.

***

It's July 11, 2020, and 3 years ago my Father died.

My wound is deep,

and it will never heal.