It's 7 years ago today.
It's been 2555 days. I don't know why we measure things, but we do.
Grief math is something a lot of bereaved people keep track of.
At the start, it feels like ticking days off a calendar one day,
two days,
three ...
until you've lived without them for a week.
Then it's one week.
Two weeks.
three...and then it's a month.
One month.
Two months.
Three...
How you feel about the days adding up depends on the moment.
Sometimes you measure the distance you grieve by
putting the distance between yourself and the life once shared.
Other days, they might feel more like progress.
As time passes, you may count by larger intervals.
One year,
Two years,
Three...
How may anniversaries or birthdays has it been?
How old would she be now?
When will you have lived longer
without her than with her? (soon, very soon)
The exact questions depend on the exact circumstances.
One thing is true,
I don't know how to stop doing grief math.
It's been 2555 days. I don't know why we measure things, but we do.
Grief math is something a lot of bereaved people keep track of.
At the start, it feels like ticking days off a calendar one day,
two days,
three ...
until you've lived without them for a week.
Then it's one week.
Two weeks.
three...and then it's a month.
One month.
Two months.
Three...
How you feel about the days adding up depends on the moment.
Sometimes you measure the distance you grieve by
putting the distance between yourself and the life once shared.
Other days, they might feel more like progress.
As time passes, you may count by larger intervals.
One year,
Two years,
Three...
How may anniversaries or birthdays has it been?
How old would she be now?
When will you have lived longer
without her than with her? (soon, very soon)
The exact questions depend on the exact circumstances.
One thing is true,
I don't know how to stop doing grief math.
***
All I do know is this:
You had to go.
I know that now.
My heart couldn't take it when you did leave me.
It still can't, but somehow does.
I still do grief math.
But, even as I count the days, weeks, months, and
now years you've been gone from my sight,
I also count that each moment is one less I'll have
to live without you.
It is by mere inches I creep towards you up there
on your path ahead of me, waiting.
Because I do believe you are waiting.
I couldn't bear all of this if I didn't.
You were as much a part of my soul,
as I was a part of yours.
We had too short of a 'life' together,
but we will have eternity together,
my beautiful girl.
Just wait, just you wait.
***
