When I look at this picture,
I remember the circumstances.
She had just come home from
being in the ER, and
it was bad.
But she sat in her "chair" and I took
hundreds of photos.
I photoshopped them.
Because I don't want you to see what
she really looked like.
Maybe one day I will be strong enough
to share that, or
maybe I won't.
She did not look like the beautiful
kitty she was in the above photo.
Later that same day she crashed again.
Oh yes, I remember the early days.
When the life you expected to unfold
disappears:
VAPORIZES.
VAPORIZES.
When the world
(your world)
has been split wide open
and nothing makes sense.
Life was normal,
and then suddenly
it was not.
Early Grief is crashing again and again into
a reality that cannot be real.
It's an impossibility without release.
There are no neat & tidy roadmaps.
THERE ARE NO ANSWERS.
There is no way to right the universe
that has so badly tilted sideways,
so completely wrong.
There never will be.
No matter how much you want to wake up
from the nightmare you find yourself in,
you're stuck in a universe so alien and foreign,
that finding a way out is impossible.
There is only time.
I didn't know then, but I do now,
that time will teach you
how to carry the heavy burden of
love and Grief together.
But, I also learned it never goes away.
Maybe if you're very lucky
the burden becomes lighter
or maybe it's blurred.
Memories seems to be blunted
by time.
I am not able to escape the sadness I
feel over losing Abby.
I see so many stories written
by others who magically find a peace
and replace the Grief.
I haven't found that magic unicorn.
I struggle with my grief, which I suppose
in many ways has been compounded by
Grief of other losses.
So it's like you can't get over one,
before you find yourself beset with another.
***
All I do know is how much I miss her.
But, I can see that there is 'healing',
as the tears don't automatically begin if I think of her.
So that much is progress.
And my heart tells me
she is waiting
and I wait too.
We will be together again one day,
and it will be eternal.
Tight hugs to you today, and soft purrs from Derry. ♥
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if anyone "magically" find a peace. I think we journey through grief differently depending on our relationship with the Being that has passed, and of course our own personalities -- are we more inward and backward-looking or do we cope by forging ahead and not thinking about the past? There's no right or wrong to how we feel.
I will tell you, though, that it will be 12 years in February that Annie died and I do NOT look at the pics of her during her last months when she was so sick. (Nor of Nicki during the last month, even though he looked perfectly healthy to the eye.) That's not how I choose to remember her, I choose to remember her when she was still healthy and full of beans, and it's perfectly okay that I feel this way, perfectly okay for you or anyone else to make other choices.
My very best to you; I'm glad that you have least some progress toward your own peace. ♥
It's tough, it really is, we understand and send love and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteD; the mind likes to play tricks on us, the heart never does. I'm glad you listen to your heart ♥♥♥ for in it; lies the truth ~~~~~~~~ I send hugs, love and understanding ♥♥♥ L
ReplyDeleteSome losses are traumatic and the pain seems to only dull with time, but never go away. I have also edited photos of our elderly pets to remove something that distracts from what I know is the true essence of their being. And I have a photo of our cat Barney near the end of his life that I rarely look at because it shows him as a shadow of his former robust, beautiful self. Remembering the joy that each animal has brought to our lives is how I get through losing them. I hope you continue to make progress in remembering Abby for the beautiful soul that shared her life with you and your universe gets a bit more centered even though she's no longer physically present.
ReplyDeleteSo many purrs to you today. Sometimes it gets easier... and sometimes it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteThey have such a hold on your heart and when they leave it just shattered. For three years I cried constantly after loosing of little girl who was two. Now I remember the good time. Hang in there. Hugs Anesha x
ReplyDeleteI remember this day vividly and with great sadness. This is a beautiful memorial post for your sweet girl. I have to believe you will be together again because if I don’t, that means I won’t see my precious ones again, and I could not manage such sadness. Sending you lots of prayers and hugs, Janet
ReplyDeleteGentle woooos mates,
ReplyDeleteNuk
Sending you hugs on this sad anniversary. XO
ReplyDeleteWe send our purrs and prayers and hugs on this sad anniversary. It cant be anything but sad when you have so much love left to give and... there is an empty place where your love once was. I have lots of pictures of Timmy that I have not shared as it was the day before he left and he looks so tired a bit rough around the edges. I am so glad I have them though and maybe I will even spend time looking. Not yet. Some day. You have a lot of support from us all
ReplyDeleteWe have to let ourselves feel what we need to feel. I haven't found peace with losing Truffles. It still makes me *SO* angry what happened to her. She deserved more from life. Even though I know if I hadn't lost her I never would've adopted Mudpie - and I can't imagine never having Mudpie in my life - I still can't get past the anger, and the guilt that she was surrounded my strangers when she died and not her Mommy.
ReplyDeleteThese anniversaries are never easy. Sending you comforting purrs and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this nine years ago, when a friend's cat died. I think it is true, but truth isn't always much comfort.
ReplyDelete"It is a strange bargain we make with these beasts. It is just that, a bargain. We become friends, and friendship is not a gift, it is not free. It is a blessing, but it comes as a deal. “I will be your friend, and you will be mine,” we tell these animals. We take care of them, provide them with food and shelter, medical care when necessary; we see them through illnesses, changes in address, additions to the household, and the neighbour who doesn’t like them. In return, they give us companionship, entertainment, joy. We give each other love. Like marriage, this contract’s most important clauses are not written but felt.
Part of the bargain is about what happens when our pets grows old, become irreparably sick or assailed with great pain. We know it will happen but we try to ignore it for the greater part of the animals’ lives. Yet it intrudes at last, and finally. Not every cat or dog will die in his sleep, full of years, knowing nothing of discomfort. Too few end their lives this way. The majority, it seems, need us to help them at this time.
A human who is infirm of body can still use his mind, for it’s the mind that sets us apart and above the rest of life. A futile body, useless limbs, rebellious organs, are tragic and terrible, but people have risen and continue to rise above such afflictions. A cat or dog cannot. He is smart, cunning, clever, thoughtful - but not enough to live only in his head. So when the body fails, we, their friends, must make a horrible decision. We help our loved ones die.
This is the price of the bargain we make. To end their pain, we must endure it ourselves. We hope that it lessens with time, and it usually does, but it lasts forever, regardless.
And yet, those of us who make these bargains and pay their cost will go on to make more. We adopt another cat, another dog; not as a replacement, but as a successor. We know how this bargain will end, too - the same way the last one did. And when that one runs its course, we make another, and another; sometimes several at once. We will keep making these bargains until the bargain we made with our own Guardian is called to account.
We do this, knowing well the consequences, because the bargain is worth it. It is suffering and agony, it is sorrow and loneliness. It is joy and amusement, strength and comradeship. This is the bargain. This is love."
Sending love and prayers for your grieving heart that misses Abby so much.
ReplyDeleteSending you so much love and gentle purrs as you remember your beloved Abby. XO
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to be so late. I send you love and hugs for this sad anniversary. Every word you said I understand so well. So many cats pass through our lives and all are loved and missed, but then comes the one whose leaving shatters our hearts forever.
ReplyDelete