88 years, 6 months, 11 days.
By all measures, this would be considered a long life.
Not ever long enough, for the loved ones left behind.
Death is hardest on the living.
***
It has only been a little over 5 months since that dark day
in July.
This world doesn't stop turning.
It never missed a beat.
This world doesn't stop turning.
It never missed a beat.
It barely took notice that
the best man, the finest man,
I have ever known
I have ever known
left this earth peacefully at home,
on his own terms,
just as he would have wished.
on his own terms,
just as he would have wished.
***
He was larger than life to me.
Especially as a child.
He stood 6'4" and had the
largest hands I'd seen.
I am reminded of a story of him
from his teenage years.
He worked on a farm in rural Texas,
and there was this wayward cow.
That cow wouldn't move.
So he tired of trying to move it
and took all of his frustrations out on
it by hitting it with his fist on the head.
Knocked the cow out.
He was petrified that he had killed it.
Because well when you're poor
a cow is a very expensive commodity.
But, the cow got up and apparently
moved along.
***
He truly was a kind, generous man.
He never met a stranger.
He just had a big personality,
and most everyone truly liked him.
He loved his wife and his kids.
Completely.
He was devoted to us.
He protected us well.
In later years,
when nearly all was taken from him,
he was the most compassionate
of people.
I miss him.
Just miss him.
***
He was larger than life to me.
Especially as a child.
He stood 6'4" and had the
largest hands I'd seen.
I am reminded of a story of him
from his teenage years.
He worked on a farm in rural Texas,
and there was this wayward cow.
That cow wouldn't move.
So he tired of trying to move it
and took all of his frustrations out on
it by hitting it with his fist on the head.
Knocked the cow out.
He was petrified that he had killed it.
Because well when you're poor
a cow is a very expensive commodity.
But, the cow got up and apparently
moved along.
***
He truly was a kind, generous man.
He never met a stranger.
He just had a big personality,
and most everyone truly liked him.
He loved his wife and his kids.
Completely.
He was devoted to us.
He protected us well.
In later years,
when nearly all was taken from him,
he was the most compassionate
of people.
I miss him.
Just miss him.
***
I keep waiting for you to come back.
It's something many grieving say.
It's like your on an extended trip and any moment now
you'll come barreling through the door.
But, of course you won't.
***
You're gone.
Gone.
Just gone.
There is no trace of you left here
on this earth.
There is only memories in my mind.
Pictures,
Old 60's videos.
Phone messages.
Your carrier hat,
a rattler from your babyhood,
a rattler from your babyhood,
your pocket knife, glasses,
some other odds and ends.
some other odds and ends.
Memories.
You're gone.
Gone.
Just gone.
***
In my lifetime I'll never be able to talk to you again.
I want to pick up the phone and call you.
I want to hear your voice call me babe again.
I want to know about all the things
you never discussed like growing up without your Dad.
Because now, I know exactly how that feels.
***
I still "talk" to you everyday.
I know you listen,
if you can.
if you can.
I believe you can.
So that can give me some comfort.
Sometimes.
***
Sometimes.
***
I've learned many things since you've been
gone, and even though
our conversations have only been
our conversations have only been
one sided I think you understand.
***
I was acutely aware that time was running out.
But, like everyone else, until it happens
you always believe you have more.
Time.
***
Time.
***
We didn't.
***
We had a conversation this past
May or June, where you
told me how tired you were
and how ready you were to meet your
Heavenly Father.
I started crying.
I told you I just couldn't bear to
hear it. The sudden kindness and
empathy you gave to me,
and the promise to never bring it up again.
You didn't have to tell me,
although in hindsight I am glad you
did.
I knew already Daddy.
I did know.
I did understand.
But, I know you understood too
that the little girl inside of me
didn't want to turn loose of
the big hand of the man
she dearly loved the most.
***
We had a conversation this past
May or June, where you
told me how tired you were
and how ready you were to meet your
Heavenly Father.
I started crying.
I told you I just couldn't bear to
hear it. The sudden kindness and
empathy you gave to me,
and the promise to never bring it up again.
You didn't have to tell me,
although in hindsight I am glad you
did.
I knew already Daddy.
I did know.
I did understand.
But, I know you understood too
that the little girl inside of me
didn't want to turn loose of
the big hand of the man
she dearly loved the most.
I didn't want to ever lose you.
Even though I knew I would.
I couldn't believe it when it happened.
It's still hard to believe it now.
I don't know how to accept it,
and I suppose I never will,
I will just have to learn how
to live along side it.
and I suppose I never will,
I will just have to learn how
to live along side it.
You've always been there
in my life everyday since I was born,
and now you're not.
How can that be?
and now you're not.
How can that be?
***
So, I had to "celebrate" my first birthday
without you.
Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
Soon it'll be a "new" year and the one you died in
will be further in the past.
Of all the other anniversaries to follow, the one I am
dreading the most:my first Father's Day.
***
Even now I find my own sorrow at seeing other
people have their Daddys.
It's my own sorrow, not theirs.
I don't begrudge anyone having their Father.
I don't begrudge anyone having their Father.
I just miss having my Daddy.
You.
***
I cherish one thing which I know
by far is the most important
legacy you left me.
by far is the most important
legacy you left me.
I know you love me.
Love me now.
Present tense.
Love me now.
Present tense.
I know to my core.
And you know,
that I love you.
That will never be broken.
And I will try very hard not to live in the sadness
of your loss because I know how you feel about that too,
because it is something we discussed.
But, right now I'm still missing you
and trying to find a way to accept it,
to live with it comfortably.
to live with it comfortably.
***
I'm not sure there is a way right now,
because with great love
because with great love
comes great grief.
Unless you've felt it then it's hard to understand.
Unless you've felt it then it's hard to understand.
So today on your 89th birthday I will
miss you,
and it's not selfish,
to still want you here.
and it's not selfish,
to still want you here.
I know you were suffering,
and that I'm glad that is over,
and that I'm glad that is over,
but I can't help missing your absence.
Everyday, but especially today.
***
Happy birthday in Heaven Daddy.
Happy birthday in Heaven Daddy.
love,
your devoted Daughter
